Initiated NC - today-MM devestated-HELP
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Initiated NC - today-MM devestated-HELP
| Fri, 01-23-2004 - 9:36pm |
Good evening everyone, first of all WOW so many of us on this board. Good to know you are not alone. I at times catch myself looking at people out shopping at work etc,and I feel so alone. Like everyone else out there has no clue what I am dealing with, people ask oh ou don;t seem ok today, and you can not tell them. So it is good to know you can come here. Has been a long time since I posted. I (single,2 kids) been with MM (married for 6/been with me for 3!...friends first, meet outside of work, by coincidence work for the same place !...unbelievable chemistry, so much, too much in common, both agree in another place and time it would be US together. He is a very much devoted father,goes above and beyond,comes from a divorced family,wife is the oppositie of me, threatened to take the kid and move away 4 hours to the parents should he think of divorce. He told me he can imagin being without her, but not with his son, he was raised by his mom through their bitter divorce, and obviously his dad who then became ghost for him that you just stick with it no matter how bad things are , youare the man you have responsibilities ,obligations that come over your happiness. So he is bending over backwards to make things work. She somewhat has a clue that I excist, so she straightened out a bit, things got a bit better at home, hey but why not, he has a income that makes here stay at home, huge new house a year ago, two new cars...and when she once again almost caught him, well now nine month later the second child was born. I told him I am happy for you, but I can no longer be part of that happiness...I broke up with him around Thanksgiving, but we stayed in touch, since we work together, overall it seemed ot work, but yes I was hopefull, gosh for what I don;t even know...gues it is this constant being torn between your heart , your emotions and your brain trying to bring you back ot reality. He is a good guy, very honest and caring,simply caught up in his feelings for me, and how I feel for him. So we saw each ohter today (he called every day even from the hospital) I tried my best to be just the friend to him, but there is too much chemistry between us, to many feelings...he talked, what if it would be me instaed who had his child he doesn ot know what to say or do...he needs to do the right thing, he tries to hard to do the right thing...but then it tears him apart to be without me...I had decided last week to try to initate NC, I tried ot put it in kind words , telling him as I finally did today that it probably woudl be best, this is his one chance to make his marriage right, with the newborn and so much happiness, he still has a chance, I don;t want to be in the way, don;t want to tempt him, out of the love I have for him I set him free......he did not understand, or did not want to? He was devestated and so upset...I still think NC for a while will be best, for him and for me....he will never leave, sad, but true, most of them with kids never do....were would this leave me?...I know I deserve no more sideline, but centerfield, and no matter how much he would maybe wish for things to be different, they are not, I also felt like I was sugarcoating with my presence his marriage and what the marriage was lacking, sounds familiar?.......well my head thinks it has it all together, but my heart is aching, I am numb and sad, and crying and I am in turmoil, I did not watn him to be devestated, upset, why does he not just see what wonderful gift I was trying to give him, does he not know how hard this was for me? Doesn;t he know that I would in an ideal, different world woudl not want this?....Ah, if this would just not hurt sooooo much....and does this NC really work?...does the friend being thign work after a while of NC?...I hear so many hear say those feelings for someone if they were true will always stay....I just feel like I needed to do the right thing, since things now are better at home, Us did not feel right anymore?!
Sorry for rambling, does anyone have some advise besides time will heal your heart, you did hte right thing?...but why does it then hurt so much....i am thinking of asking ot meet him again, just to end things on a more positive note...we broke up once before and it was easier that way to know we have to just end it , because it is wrong,but to walk away with knowing you left it all being good....why is he sooo upset? instead...
ME :(
Sorry for rambling, does anyone have some advise besides time will heal your heart, you did hte right thing?...but why does it then hurt so much....i am thinking of asking ot meet him again, just to end things on a more positive note...we broke up once before and it was easier that way to know we have to just end it , because it is wrong,but to walk away with knowing you left it all being good....why is he sooo upset? instead...
ME :(

So many times I think the same as you; if people only knew how I felt inside... The same day as my A started to end, I had to go to work. I felt unable to concentrate, so very sad, like I couldn't smile and was sure everyone could tell. But they probably couldn't begin to understand the turmoil inside.
When I read what you wrote, my first thought was that I in a way wish that my MM would react with the same devastation. But in my case he initiated the end because his W found out, and even though he says he still loves me, he withdraws more and more. But I suspect he is just trying to let me down gently.
Well, instead of talking about myself, I should try to comment on your thoughts... Seems to me your MM is very dependant on you and your relationship, it probably feels like a lifeline for him. But right now he has both a family and he has you, who listens, loves and gives him what he supposedly lacks at home. Could be that he is terrified of being left "alone". I know the feeling.
I think it is hard for you as well, because you try to do the right thing. I think you are very strong to offer him this break from you and truly understand how difficult this decision must be. Of course even more so when he doesn't see your point.
You feel the need to talk to him again, understandably so after the way it went when you talked. But I believe that you should be firm and stick to your NC for a while, give him time to think about it as well and to understand that you are serious about it. It is very difficult to be on the other side and be uncertain of what the initiator really means. Seems you must be the strong one.
I know it hurts, it hurts like hell and you think you will never get through it. But for each day that passes, the pain eases a bit and you can feel stronger. One advice is to postpone that thought of wanting to be in touch to the next day. And when the next day comes you can feel a little bit stronger and maybe postpone it one more day...
Wish you good luck and strength!!
Mankella
If you want out, get out. But don't look to him to say, "OK, then fine, go." If you want out because it is better for you, your consciecne, your karma, etc., then get out. But don't expect him to believe that you are doing it for HIM. Cause even I don't believe you!
I'm so sorry for your pain right now.I have been there also and i just wanted to share ny thoughts....
I feel you are letting go purely for the benefit of your mm.In fact you haven't mentioned once what was in it for you......I have tried this too......ending so my xmm could regain a happy married life....and secretly hoping he would come to his senses and realise he loved me enough to give it all up... and i met up with him time and time again to "end things properly" and i have to share it wasn't until i decided i wanted more than being the other woman that it ended for good.I never felt like i was 'the other woman' but when i sat down and looked at the facts,i realised i was!!!I know he is in agony when i no longer answer his calls but i know i'm doing him a favour(and myself one too)
Until you realise that you also will benefit from ending this affair you will question the ending many many times.
Give yourself time.....
If all you want out of your life is to be an 'other woman' then carry on...but if you want to feel no.1 in someones life - like i do - stop the affair now.....for you.....you deserve to be loved by one who is free to give you his heart and soul.Please don't allow yourself to settle for anything less.....
Feel free to email me at any time.....simpsy75@aol.com
hugs and prayers
katie
Please get out and save your self-esteem. Having an affair with a married man is one of the most shameful and harmful things I ever done to myself. Of course at the time I was absolutely addicted to him and all the intrigue, great sex, endless compliments, and attention he offered. I too was the goddess and the wife was the bitch. I was the one he "wished" he could be with. But, of course...he could never do that to his children. He would never leave. Why should he do anything? He's got it all. VERY selfish.
Once you try to break up with him, he will try to woo you back. Please remember that you will never get what you want. I used to go in circles, constantly thinking about answers. I could never find one. The thing is with relationships is that they have to go somewhere...affairs son't go anywhere because they are based on lies and deception, not real love and intimacy.
One more thing...let's say he leaves and you get your man. He is filing for divorce tomorrow. He wants to marry you the next day. Ask yourself honestly-do you really want this type of guy permanently or do you only find him exciting because he CAN'T commit to you? If you marry him you are stuck with someone you can never trust-after all-look at the stuff he's capable of doing. My XMM used to lie and scheme to his wife all the time. Yuck. What a loser. Lastly-and believe me-once you get the guy, the ENTIRE dynamic of your relationship would change. It would not be the same because he'd be available. Then you'd have "boring" everyday existance. Please consider all of this, as there are a lot of dynamics going on.
It was very touching to me how different this situation was viewed.
Markella, thank you sweetheart for your comforting words, good to know someone is out there just knowing what I am going through, Katie, thank you also for your wisdom and strenght, I realized I have a long way to go...it took me ten years to get out of my marriage, compared to what I went through in this This is a breeze,so you can imagine.
Ahh, but thanks for the slap in the face (LOL) to the second reply, gosh trust me I don;t believe myself anymore either today, when I said I am doing this for his own good...it sounded like the right thing to do you know with the baby and all...but my heart was not in it...I did not do it for him, for me, but I think more because it was finally the right thing to do...will just take it a day at a time from here....thanks everyone for caring enough to reply...and sparklepuss, I hear you girl, I hear you loud and clear..I am sorry your A. was obviously so hurtful , devestating and full of lies. MM does not badmouth his wife, she is a good women, but she is simply not the one for him, sounds stupid I know but not him or me want to hurt her, nor do we want to hurt, we got simply caught up in our feelings for each other..and what if...sticking in this for almsot three years it makes it so hard ot get out...guess I just wish single Mr. Wonderful woudl come along and whisk me away. And I hope I will always look back,smiling because it happened, for whatever reason, who knows...maybe with her knowing a bit of my possible excistance makes her try a bit harder, fight for her marriage...gosh who knows...this all is definately complicated...but you know what, I will definately take responsibiliyt for my own action, I also had choices and I choose to stay for so long...so did you and I just hope for you that you will find some peace with what happened happened, no reason to be so bitter. My ex husband and I are to this day close friends, not just for the kids, I forgave him....
When you're lonely and find someone who meets your needs even half way, it's like a drowning person grabbing on to a floating log. It's not a desireable way to live (floating/almost drowning/grabbing at anything to survive) but it works in the very short-term.
Save YOURSELF. If you think you're doing it for him, fine. Just do it. Once you're free to be open to a REAL relationship, it'll happen. In the meantime, make your life all it can be. Figure out what you need to fill yourself and when you do, you'll be ready for the REAL deal & not this mess.
We should know! I was in an A for 3 years. I was convinced this loser was my soul-mate, that we belonged together, but for a "cruel twist of timing"
PUHLEASE. He met my needs at a very tough time in my life. I propped up life he found miserable and I made it tolerable for him. Sounds a lot like your guy. My MM was also "devastated" and swore he'd leave his W immediately. I was too over it to care anymore. In the past, I would have stayed with him to KEEP him from doing that. That's how mixed up you can get in an A. It's like you don't even know which end is up anymore.
Get out while you can. Do it for whatever reason you need to tell yourself, but I PROMISE you won't regret ending it once you're clear of it.