You came here to post the "I miss him" thought sooo...you won't "miss him" "miss him" "miss him.".Because you did good by coming here and getting it out safely and not telling him and most importantly at the end of your post you acknowledged it's hard to forget it all and I am thinking you don't want to forget your lesson, you want to learn from it and not repeat it.
No much time right now, but I did want to send you some ((hugs)) ...
and to also suggest, that imaging him dead isn't in fact a helpful/useful strategy - as you've just discovered.
I have found it much more healthy to stay focused on that fact that the affair should not have happened, that it was destructive to myself and others, and because of this, I have (now) decided to exit a very damaging situation and this means completely letting go of the other person who was the other half of the worst thing that I EVER chose to do to me.
If I was pretending he was dead, then that's just about coping in the moment, and NOT about introspection and reflection. That kinda coping will not prevent me from entering into an affair in the future.
In fact what it says, is that there was something pretty special about HIM, and that the only way I can heal, and find closure is by 'thinking' him dead.
NOT a useful strategy. Why?
Because he is NOT DEAD. He is alive and well, and you're likely to see him again.
However, if you work hard enough and stay focused on the RIGHT things, you will change and evolve to the point that it doesn't matter one single little bit how ALIVE AND WELL HE IS ... because YOU will be so ALIVE AND WELL that he won't matter!
Much Love to You,
TU.
ps: what exactly are you missing Alice??? hmmmmmm. what's going on in RL that's having you wanting to run and hide?
TU has a good point Alice - you have a lot to work on in your RL. Plus, even though you've been around here for awhile, you are still a newbie with NC! You can't expect it to be better yet. NC means protecting yourself in every way - even from driving by his house. And if you HAVE to drive by, your focus should be in the opposite direction. I've trained myself to not look down the street for XAP's car. It hurt too much to even see it in their parking lot.
You don't miss him! There is nothing to miss. You miss the rush, the drama, the excitement - even though it was very abusive. You need to look at your RL and figure out what you can fill it with to fill this need for yourself. :)
Alice, he treated you so badly. Please don't pretend he's dead. People tend to forgive the dead for their sins. He's alive and lives down the street, and is very very bad for you. Like Bodhi said NC is looking the other way. That way you won't know if he's in the yard or not. Just like blocking his number, you'll never know.
So....what do you miss exactly? Break it down for me. Of course I agree with TU n Bodhi (the usual). I want u to really think about what you think you are missing...who misses self abuse? We both know this guy ain't worth missing...but if u want to really break it down to me...I will listen...throw all ur wonderful old posts back at ya...that would be a waste of time.
U have to learn to deal with real life Alice. U have to. Continue to truck on...happy u r still here posting. N I am going to also say...this ain't ur first rodeo. U have been NC to back in the A to back to NC...build on things this time. Work thru ur urges.
Proud u came here but you have to start revealing your thinking. It ain't easy. But keep taking steps forward.... It's not ok to miss the highs and the drama...investigate that n go from there....build on your lessons...it's ok to take a step or two back once every blue moon...but consistently striving forward and some serious introspection would be were u need to be soon.
I think you have some great advice here- dont think of him as dead- it just negates the reality which is he chsoe to be with someone else, or you chose a better reality, or whatever the case may be. Imagining his non-existence simply means you put off all that acceptance and reality.
Also I like Lovin's idea. Write down exactly what it is you do miss. I have done that and its a real eye opener. I even wrote down what i would be thinking/feeling/doing if we were still together. Once you realise that you would STILL be frustrated, disappointed, obsessing and lonely .. you become VERY relieved that you are out of it.
I have no words of wisdom for you...just sending you hugs and support.
Hi Alice how long you are NC?
Hi Alice,
You came here to post the "I miss him" thought sooo...you won't "miss him" "miss him" "miss him.".Because you did good by coming here and getting it out safely and not telling him and most importantly at the end of your post you acknowledged it's hard to forget it all and I am thinking you don't want to forget your lesson, you want to learn from it and not repeat it.
hi Alice (-:
No much time right now, but I did want to send you some ((hugs)) ...
and to also suggest, that imaging him dead isn't in fact a helpful/useful strategy - as you've just discovered.
I have found it much more healthy to stay focused on that fact that the affair should not have happened, that it was destructive to myself and others, and because of this, I have (now) decided to exit a very damaging situation and this means completely letting go of the other person who was the other half of the worst thing that I EVER chose to do to me.
If I was pretending he was dead, then that's just about coping in the moment, and NOT about introspection and reflection. That kinda coping will not prevent me from entering into an affair in the future.
In fact what it says, is that there was something pretty special about HIM, and that the only way I can heal, and find closure is by 'thinking' him dead.
NOT a useful strategy. Why?
Because he is NOT DEAD. He is alive and well, and you're likely to see him again.
However, if you work hard enough and stay focused on the RIGHT things, you will change and evolve to the point that it doesn't matter one single little bit how ALIVE AND WELL HE IS ... because YOU will be so ALIVE AND WELL that he won't matter!
Much Love to You,
TU.
ps: what exactly are you missing Alice??? hmmmmmm. what's going on in RL that's having you wanting to run and hide?
TU has a good point Alice - you have a lot to work on in your RL. Plus, even though you've been around here for awhile, you are still a newbie with NC! You can't expect it to be better yet. NC means protecting yourself in every way - even from driving by his house. And if you HAVE to drive by, your focus should be in the opposite direction. I've trained myself to not look down the street for XAP's car. It hurt too much to even see it in their parking lot.
You don't miss him! There is nothing to miss. You miss the rush, the drama, the excitement - even though it was very abusive. You need to look at your RL and figure out what you can fill it with to fill this need for yourself. :)
Bodhi
Eyes on the road girl!
Chechi!
U have to learn to deal with real life Alice. U have to. Continue to truck on...happy u r still here posting.
N I am going to also say...this ain't ur first rodeo. U have been NC to back in the A to back to NC...build on things this time. Work thru ur urges.
Proud u came here but you have to start revealing your thinking. It ain't easy. But keep taking steps forward....
It's not ok to miss the highs and the drama...investigate that n go from there....build on your lessons...it's ok to take a step or two back once every blue moon...but consistently striving forward and some serious introspection would be were u need to be soon.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi Alice
I think you have some great advice here- dont think of him as dead- it just negates the reality which is he chsoe to be with someone else, or you chose a better reality, or whatever the case may be. Imagining his non-existence simply means you put off all that acceptance and reality.
Also I like Lovin's idea. Write down exactly what it is you do miss. I have done that and its a real eye opener. I even wrote down what i would be thinking/feeling/doing if we were still together. Once you realise that you would STILL be frustrated, disappointed, obsessing and lonely .. you become VERY relieved that you are out of it.
Stay strong xxxxxx
Iggy