Introduction - I was in an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Introduction - I was in an affair
49
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 5:04pm

Hello Everyone - I haven't really navigated around Ivillage and this particular discussion group a whole lot - YET - I was just given this link by a well meaning friend knowing, that I need some support.

I want to get OVER my feelings for a person I was involved in an affair with.

It lasted 3 years - and while I was told - he was going to leave to be with me...(everyone stop laughing!!!!) :)

It turned into this "limbo" thing - where I decided I couldnt live happily.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 2:26pm

Michelle, I'm an avid copy-paster here...

That's how I built my arsenal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 2:33pm

Dee! Oh my!

Can I profess my instant crush on your BRILLIANCE! and that's on a tank half full and NO coffee???

I better SIT DOWN.

I think I've found my intellectual peer group here holy moly! I thank God Above for the direction to this new little cocoon of truth and warmth.

WOW IF WHAT YOU SAID DIDNT HIT ME STRAIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES! AND THATS WHAT I NEED!

You hit the nail on the head - with the shred of false hope and lingering Im doing - and yes the cyber stalking. <--oh that's an attractive trait. Oye.

See you express quite well, that I DO possess the "intellectual" knowledge of the futility of my situation/efforts what have you....but that yup...im still caught up in my "desire to WIN" to "get" what I've put so much time into "getting" - its my perfectionism and competitiveness trying to accomplish (win) what I set my sights on.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 2:53pm

TU!

THANK YOU!!!!

That is AWESOME! #4 is ALL ME!

Feel free to post all the reading available on these topics as I am a rabid dog on a bone for information to GET FREE!

I believe information/Truth will set us free.

Knowledge = power.

Have a fantastic Friday!

M

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 2:55pm

Bodhi,

Thank you. May I ask...after all the time you spent (on his timetable) ...WHAT made you finally say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

How did you make the leap into NO CONTACT?

Warmly,

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 3:30pm

M. –

Thank you and you’re welcome. Xo

“I want a happy ending in this harlequin romance.”

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 4:31pm

Dee-

Hi there - Well...THIS is embarrassing! I dont know how to send a private message. :) Can you assist? Can you send me one? Do we need to be friends?

Thanks,

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 4:44pm
Sent you a message. Hope you get it. D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 4:49pm

Dee,

Re: the revisionist truth...WOW...Im not quite there - but I feel a sting inside - a little knot - that might burst once I go no contact a bit.

2 dogs in heat humping - stroking egos - kinda nailed me a bit. :(

My A was 3 years.

My jump ship was last Tuesday - but its more like I flung myself over the edge - and got

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 5:46pm

<<>>

You get to the point after years and years of talk with no action (or talk with action in the opposite direction of the talk) that you literally just say enough. Things were bad between us for a long time. The final straw was hi going on vacation in June with his W and one of their grown daughters. He had just told me a few days earlier that he "couldn't wait to look at the ocean with me". Little did I know at that moment that a trip to the ocean was planned. I went BALLISTIC. Turned off my phone and refused to talk to him. When they got back I had about 10 nasty voice mails. I tried to just disappear, but had to finally say the words "don't contact me anymore" He didn't call, but he stalked me for over a month - drove my by house and office. Little did he know, that besides scaring the s**t out of me, it actually gave me strength to not reach out to him. I won't lie - it's still hard.

You said in your reply to Dee: "Truthfully, I feel afraid that if I let go completely - I'll never get what I wanted"

Michelle, if you hold on for dear life, with your nails digging into his arms, you still won't get what you wanted. I learned that the hard way. I have the attitude now that whatever is meant to be will be. I'm meant to be with someone wonderful. With the affair fog cleared, I see that I never really even knew WHO my XAP was! How can I say we were "meant to be"? I've never been around him in an open situation.

<<<>>>

He won't forget you, but he will settle back into his life. What you have to do is work on what you want YOUR life to look like. I came to the realization that I was tired of waiting to live. Tired of giving up my precious time on earth so he can pretend to be super dad to 4 kids that don't even live at home. I'm 44 years old. I've been single for 6 years and never been on a date! It's been almost 4 months NC, and I'm still repairing myself from the damage. :)

We're all here for you. We all know how you feel. Choose YOU.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 9:16pm
The best thing he could do is settle back into his life and leave you the f*ck alone. I ended my affair 6 months ago and he still continues to fish for me. Not because he cares about me in any real sense, but because he is a selfish man who lacks any regard for any one else's needs: only his own. And you see, I am (now) the single one ... I am the one who lost her marriage to this affair and when I was at my lowest point, chose to scrape my dignity off the ground and tell him to hit the highway. My husband and I had separated a year before, so it wasn’t about saving my marriage.
I thought I had nothing left to lose, but with the strength of this board I could see I had a choice to make: continue to live in a perpetual state of pain and suffering, losing more and more of myself with each passing moment, or take a leap of faith believing that I was deserving of far more than being someone's option.
I got myself into therapy and started to take accountability for my own destructive choices. I also had to really confront some hard truths about who I had allowed myself to become. See, you're not the only one hurting here - you're playing a role in hurting his family; they just don't know it yet. You may think otherwise, but once the fog clears, you won't believe how disgusted you will feel with yourself for the role you played in the destruction of another woman's life. You will be haunted by concern and worry for HER. You will wonder about her mental health. Well, at least I do. Because as much as I thought at the time I was loved and loved him, it was no where near how much she loved him. They shared children, a past, real life.
If he had cared about me, if he had truly wanted to be with me, he would have followed through on his promises after he told her about me. I was around long enough for him to start apartment hunting - he told her everything. He buckled under the guilt and started to back-peddle. I said enough. Good-bye. If he came back today with divorce papers in hand, I can honestly say that I would laugh out loud. I have done the work and can see that we would never ever be healthy together. Regardless, I could never ever look at him again without remembering the ways he once made me hurt, how dirty and needy when it was his needs that were constantly being met/prioritized, or the ways he helped me hurt the people I loved the most. I would never want to look at him every day. I thought too that maybe us ending up together would at least justify all the hurt we had caused, but in reality, when us being together was becoming a reality, I felt so unhappy. I realized nothing would ever justify our behaviours or excuse the hurt we had caused. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about our affair. We were not destined to be, we weren’t soul mates with lousy timing. We were two people who used one another to the point of almost destroying one another. I realized that if I cared about him the way I thought I did, I had to have the courage that he lacked. I had to block and walk.
Anyway, I’ve rambled. Here is a link to a thread that I love. It is about tough love/reality check. I thought you might ‘enjoy it’.

Leap: solid ground awaits, or you will be taught to fly (you just gotta get that anchor off your leg!)

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/General-Discussions/Tough-Love/m-p/107966885#M136547

TU.