Introduction - I was in an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Introduction - I was in an affair
49
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 5:04pm

Hello Everyone - I haven't really navigated around Ivillage and this particular discussion group a whole lot - YET - I was just given this link by a well meaning friend knowing, that I need some support.

I want to get OVER my feelings for a person I was involved in an affair with.

It lasted 3 years - and while I was told - he was going to leave to be with me...(everyone stop laughing!!!!) :)

It turned into this "limbo" thing - where I decided I couldnt live happily.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 10:05pm

TU,

Thanks for that link. Im going to go check it out now. I get SOOO MUCH from reading!! Ill share some things that have been helpful to me also. Actually - www.baggagereclaim.com

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 10:37pm
hehehe, did I romanticize things?! initially. But slowly I couldn't reconcile the disconnects. I couldn't fathom the notion that I was the whole world to someone 8-5 everyday, and yet couldn't call on him when I really needed him without being concerned about it being the 'right' time. Soon, I became close with his W as he attempted to bring us closer together to lower her insecurities. Well, it worked. Her and I started to form a "relationship" and you know what? I liked her as a person more than him. She was funny & kind, loving to me and generous. She bought me presents for my b-day and holidays, even when he didn't. Along with all the other reasons for ending it, authentically coming to care about her was an important catalyst. They may have had their problems, and she wasn't perfect, but she was another human being and didn't deserve the treatment she was receiving from both of us. I couldn't make excuses for his behaviour anymore, other than him being a selfish coward, who was taking the easy way out rather than plugging himself into his family.

You know what, I've never really been through an angry phase with him, only moments. The anger thing never really lasted long because I realized that he didn't make me do anything. I made the choices I made. I compromised. I lied. I manipulated. I thought I was all that. I was selfish. Never one to substance use, he was my escape. He was the one thing I felt entitled to, because after all the rest of my life was all taken up with those big girl responsibilities of mothering and being a great academic. The romanticizing thing ... well, it didn't last long ... really, what's there to romanticize? I never believed in Prince Charming, never wanted one. I wanted to be the hero in my own life.

No high five for me - like Dee said, its about releasing yourself over to the wisdom of this board ... it is about letting go of any and all thoughts that have you thinking your affair is so darn special. It is about getting real with yourself.

TU.

ps: old name was transcendingus ... now it's in the past tense (-:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 10:45pm

ok.....reading around here on some of the tough love posts! OMG!!!!!!

Im coming to an epiphany - and am kinda mad.

I just Have this ONE burgeoning thought: DONT F*CK A MARRIED DOOD!

im gna go keep reading now. WOW.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 10:54pm

wow TU! You know...

Reading around here - and your point in the direction with that link...

That UGLINESS factor (not the soulmate crap) is sort of sinking in.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 11:33pm

OH MY.

i just really want to cry a GOOD CRY to this lottery ticket Ive just found out I won! EAS!

I GET IT! I GET WHATS BEING SAID! ABOUT THE TOUGH LOVE / THE NEWBIE / THE FOG / THE DELUSION

I GET IT!

Yes...as a new person - hurting - I want coddling. I want validation - but I DONT WANT TO BE A$$ KISSED THAT MY LITTLE ONE WOMAN drama is anything but what it is. A FREAKING mind trip. I know Im oversimplifying it - but for REAL - I never thought that what might help me is the TOUGH LOVE of WOMEN who are ON THE OTHER SIDE WITH A LIFELINE - saying JUST LISTEN - You're in a fog - You cant find your A$$ with a 40ft spotlight - of COURSE you think it's love..soulmate...blah blah...JUST LISTEN.

Well - here I am. I WANT OUT! I NEED HELP! I CANT DO IT BY MYSELF! IVE TRIED! Im delusional. Im in a FOG and the ONLY THING THAT SEEMS RIGHT - IS WHAT ALL YOU SENSIBLE WOMEN ARE SAYING.

I have to go NO CONTACT. WHY? BECAUSE YOURE TELLING ME ITS WHATS GOING TO WORK. ITS WHATS NECESSARY -- i HAVE TO LISTEN. I can't do it myself. i HAVE TO LISTEN.

BEGINNING AT MIDNIGHT. (Im weird like that. Must be my Cinderella complex - my new years resolution mindset and my start my diet monday thing) Im not doing it to impress. im not doing it to send a message to him. im not doing it to hurt anybody. im not doing it for attention. I WANT TO FREAKING QUANTUM LEAP OUT OF MY INSANITY AND STAT!

I imagine - it might get hard at times but please SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! KEEP ME REAL! I BEG YOU! Dont let me lie or make excuses or be weak or romanticize or blame anybody but me. After reading how Real, gritty, honest, strong, and intelligent you all are...I TRUST YOU. (collective you) I TRUST that you're the light and i wanna run that way. Like the poltergeist said in that southern drawl..."come into the light carallll annnnn..."

Im signing on right now - to go the TOUGH LOVE ROUTE. If I start being that annoying whiny chick that is seeing the pains of "letting" go or no contact and bemoaning things that aren't REAL ....give it to me! JUST HOLD ME DOWN AND SHOOT MY VEINS full of TRUTH. I WANT OUT! I WANT TO THINK OUTSIDE OF A FOG AND MIND CONTROL. I WANT TO REASON AGAIN, AND TRUST NORMAL PEOPLE and normal experiences. I want to listen to my warning bells - and heed them.

HERE I GO.....................

1-2-3.............

JUMP!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 8:25am
holy sh&tballs woman, have you slept?!

"I imagine - it might get hard at times but please SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! KEEP ME REAL! I BEG YOU! Dont let me lie or make excuses or be weak or romanticize or blame anybody but me.

Ok - you've got yourself a deal. We'll be there for you. Remember, you're self-admittedly impatient. This is going to be a process which just begins with going NC. NC makes for the possibility of all that you're wanting; however, you've got to be responsible for coming & posting when you are weak and hurting. Before you act, before you reach out and/or respond to any and ALL fishing attempts, you commit to coming here FIRST.

You'll learn to recognize the justifications you use to enable your distorted thinking and you will wise up and need us less and less as time goes on. You'll learn that feelings can come and go but you don't act on them. You stick with Jane's 48 hour rule. Do not act on any triggered emotion or thought, fishing attempt for 48 hours. Re-train yourself and you'll find that you'll have dodged a bullet by NOT doing anything. That's another trick I have found: when in doubt do NOTHING. Do nothing until enough time passes that you're standing on solid ground again. Our sense of time gets all messed up in an affair.

This takes time, Repeat: this takes time. But we promise you, you do the work and you'll reap the rewards of a renewed sense of self (only better if you've worked on what got you to tolerate an affair to begin with), you'll feel in control of your own well-being, and you'll come to rely on your own internal strength for validation. Your happiness will never ever again be contingent on JAM (just another man), or anyone else for that matter. Say good-bye to co-dependence.

Now the weekends are usually very slow, and the board is slow right not to begin with because of all the changes. So just keep (re)reading, journaling. Pace yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

You're making it happen and that's worth celebrating hard M - you're on your way!!!!

((hugs))

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 9:02am

On the mark post, TU.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 9:21am

M~

As TU wrote, the board is very slow on the weekend so use this time to read, research, and read some more. In the search option you can type any word of interest

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 9:58am

Sorry for what you are feeeling. It is so hard coming back from these type of relationship because part of the allure was the excitement during the affair itself. I wish you the best in your recovery and I hope that you have ended all contact with the affair partner. It is so hard to fully heal when the affair partner attempts to come in and out of your life on their terms of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 10:42am
Iddy is super pretty in pink! xo