Investing back into your marriage?

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Investing back into your marriage?
12
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:32pm

I was just wondering if others would be able to share how they managed to get back to investing in their M after the A.  For me, right now, only a few days into NC, if my H hugs me, I immediately start to cry, thinking of AP.  If he is nice to me, I want to cry.  If he wants to spend time with me, I feel like I just want to be alone.

Although I KNOW I want to keep my M, I feel like, somehow, I am just not up to giving anything to it yet.  Just wondering if others felt like this, and how long it took to be able to genuinely want to spend time with H or show more affection in the M etc.

Or any suggestions or tips to really WANT to put work into the M.

Dodgie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 11:10pm

Hi Dodge-

Give your self some time.  You are still in the detox period from your EA.  Be good to yourself.  Get exercise, eat healthy and distract yourself from obsessive thinking.  Controlling what we think about is a tough thing.  It takes work.  When I was coming out of my A three years ago, someone had posted a unique :smileyhappy:  technique to help them stop dwelling on xAP.  They imagined that all xAP's words/texts were spoken on the voice of Mickey Mouse.  Everytime they would be tempted to replay conversations, good or bad, they would imagine it being said in that voice. I think it helped her put it into perspective and realize the ridiculousness of it all.  My point is there are all different ways to control your thoughts. You'll find one that works for you :smileyhappy:

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 11:13pm

I got so lost in my Mickey Mouse story I forgot the original topic of your post! :smileyhappy: 

Detox takes time, and when you have control over the obsessive thinking, you will be able to reengage in your old life again.  Be patient. 

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 11:23pm

It doens't sound ridiculous at all.  Its very normal.  I cried for three months straight after my A ended.  I tried to reinvest in my M, which was a mistake because it was abusive, but I didn't even see THAT at the time because I was too lost in my own withdrawal symptoms. 

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 6:37am
Hi Dodge,
I totally identify with how you are feeling. I had completely disconnected fom my H and long before A had started, and truth is it wasnt anything he did or didnt do, it was me. I remember the first few weeks of NC vividly and I felt exactly like you do. It just seemed to big a task to even contemplate. Now though at 11 weeks its seems much easier. There are fleeting moments every day now where I feel the love for him that I know is there. I am certainly more presemt and available than I have been in such a long time and I feel encouraged about our future. In the beginning I could only feel despair.... Happy the battle is wanting to and you so want to.

As RBM tells us give time... Time.

(((hugs)))
Sunny soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 6:39am
Half the battle even! Sometimes i could through my fone at the sky!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:32pm

I wrote this in another place right here and I'll write it again. IMO you are not really yet to move forward.You are still dealing with affair issues about YOU. You don't know who you are yet or who you want to be...you are still hurting and in pain. When you figure out who you are you will be better able to make the hard decisions about your life.Maybe they will involve your husband then, maybe they won't, and at that time you will be in a better place to love him and give of yourself . But in the meantime, it's a very good thing he is supporting you through this. If you can just not hurt him in the process of finding YOU, that would be very good.When you ARE over it, if he is what you want, you will be able to give him your heart and soul.

But I do want to say that RL is not  the pretend fuzzy world of Affairs. RL involves work by your partner too. And RL involves compromise and working together as a team and much much more giving by us females because we are the nurturers.

So that's why I say you are not ready yet.You are still hurting and in pain and not over it yet. Once you are over it you will be better able to tackle the difficult issues of getting the m right and in order.Because then, your partner will be involved too and as it is now you are just a basket case and may hurt him or hurt the relationship.

How to get to that place? Time and reading . And learning who you are and what you want. It's just a matter of not sinking the m in the process ha ha, because you may want to stay and don't want a bigger hole to climb out of then!

Oh, you can do it!       

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 8:52pm
Great post Jeannie.
Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:47pm

Anyone can  see from your post  you are hurt and in pain, stressed and pushing yourself.

 It was traumatic.It was a loss. You are not in the best state. Maybe your guy can be helpful, chances are he is not. All I can offer is from my own experience, do the best you can, try not to sink your m being upset or hurtful,  learn more about yourself, take it slow.Give it time to heal before making any decisions.It's different for everyone. I'm so sorry.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:50pm

Anyone can  see from your post  you are hurt and in pain, stressed and pushing yourself.

 It was traumatic.It was a loss. You are not in the best state. Maybe your guy can be helpful, chances are he is not. All I can offer is from my own experience, do the best you can, try not to sink your m being upset or hurtful,  learn more about yourself, take it slow, don't make demands upon yourself.Give it time to heal and distance before making any decisions.It's different for everyone but it could take a year. I'm so sorry.