Isn't it ironic
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| Sun, 10-18-2009 - 12:32pm |
After about a six week affair (spanning about a year and a half), total no-contact has been achieved for the last five years, save for three unexpected but brief encounters in public. After pining away at the EAS board on and off for a few years, I’d learned to bounce my thoughts away from him whenever they entered my mind. It wasn’t easy, but got easier. I tried to move on, but have not felt anything near to what I’d felt with him. With him, I had passion, a strong emotional connection before anything ever got physical. I resigned myself to living a life free of passionate love. I’ve kept myself busy. I have a relationship with someone who loves me, but for whom I feel no deep love or passion. We are “friends”, in my estimation.
The most difficult part for me, the part that kept me from moving on and keeping him out of my thought radar, was not knowing what was going on in his life. I found out late last year when I joined an on-line networking group. Not only had he divorced, but he’d remarried someone else! I felt my blood literally ran cold! I felt hurt and angry. Dare I ask him what happened? I did. He offered to tell me. Then he was off the website, or blocked me. But, over time I had learned to keep certain things out of my mind if it bothered me. I was getting better at that. I tried not to think of it. I used to pray that I could get him out of my heart and mind, if I couldn't be with him. I prayed that God would take the passion I felt away from me so that I could get on with my life. I reasoned that what I thought was love for this one person was actually a love of being "in love"; the idea of him, not him specifically.
He was back online later, though. I was happy for that, for some reason. Happy just knowing I could take a peek into his life. I was getting better at doing it without feeling hurt or angry. I told myself I should be happy for him and just let it go at that. I think it was working.
One day quite recently, he sent me a virtual “poke” , so I poked back. Then he asked what exactly a “poke” was. I told him I thought it was just letting someone know you’re thinking of them, nothing trashy. But somehow things escalated into not just pokes, but little messages. And the very next day after all that poking started, he was at my door.
So, am I back 'in' this affair? I've talked to him, seen him a few times. But my heart has changed. Perhaps I've gotten better at protecting myself. Perhaps having a total hysterectomy has calmed me down to the point of blah? I feel uncharacteristically emotionally detached. Perhaps my prayer has been answered. If I didn't hear from him again, I don't think I'd be overwhelmingly saddened. I can’t believe I mean that. I thought we were soul mates, after all. How ironic.

NG,
Sounds to me like your Xmm's relatively new M is already boring him. Just think. This could have been you had the two of you hooked up before he remarried. He'd be out poking around already which should be flapping red flags in your face.
Iddy
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You have the knowledge, experience and the power to not let this happen again.
Oh dear Grace.
Perhaps your prayer has been answered. Only you can know for sure. And only your actions will ensure that it is so.
You now know enough (actually everything you really need to know) to stay away, don't you? (So why aren't you staying away?) Maybe the ache will disappear forever now that you've felt this form of indifference. Perhaps you can let go of *that* dream. Think about what this man's actions say about him. I'm not only talking about the way he treated his wives. I'm also talking about the way he has treated you.
You have so much to lose by having contact with xMM. If the man you are dating isn't meeting your needs, get out. I guarantee there is someone out there for whom you can have deep love but you will never find it while:
1) Staying in a relationship that isn't fulfilling
2) Having contact of any kind with xMM
xMM is a horrible bet, Grace. You know that. He's not poking you because you are his soulmate. He's poking you because he's bored and because he knows it's *possible* that you will be willing to cross that line...after all you did before. I'm insulted on your behalf. (Now you get insulted, too, please.)
Life is short, Grace. How many years do want this man to take from you?
Shut the door, my friend. No, don't shut it. SLAM it. With all your power and might. Do it with a finality that I can hear way over here.
Love,
TTS
~TTS
Ahh,
Thanks you all for your responses! It's been a comfort to see some familiar names here! I knew you all would give me the figurative "slap" I needed!
I feel like so much damaged goods...I've spent way too much time contemplating someone who did not love me enough to chose me, and have not spent enough time "being" with someone who loved me. So why did I chose to reconnect with that AP?
I always had the sneaking suspicion that we would not survive in the real world. Ours was a covert relationship, and the drama and intrigue and emotion was all a response to the illicitness of our meetings.
Why has he decided to cheat on his current wife? I doubt it has anything to do with me, and I'm fairly certain if things had gone the way I wanted, that he'd chosen me, he'd surely cheated on me eventually.
I feel empowered, finally. I can walk away, tell him "NO" without any uncertainty. I feel devoid of any feeling that would cause emotional distress at that proclamation. I feel devoid of any emotional response whatsoever. It is time to let go.
((Needsgrace)))
I loved reading your response just now. You had me a little worried, I must say, but I think "time" has allowed you see the whole sordid picture that was once your past , and as one of the lucky ones, you
Iddy
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