It comes in waves...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
It comes in waves...
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 6:45am

The only other event in my life that has been as painful for me was four hears ago. My father had been going to Mexico every few months to build a house that he had been planning to retire to in a few years. One day when he was down there we got a call saying that he was missing. He was missing for a few months, then we got the call that they had found his body. He was murdered, we never found out by whom or why. That experience was very painful for me,  it's the only time I have ever had anyone close to me die. I remember crying all the time at first. Then only when certain triggers would remind me of him. Now I'll still remember him and miss him, but the pain isn't as intense anymore. Now having the baby, finding out he is biologically XAP's, ending the affair, and telling my husband has been as painful for me emotionally as losing my father four years ago. The first few weeks of trying to end the affair I cried almost everyday. Now the pain seems to come in waves. I'll be doing okay one day, starting to feel strong, starting to see the "fog" lift, then I'll have a certain trigger and the wave of depression will come back over me. I've been looking for a new job, since I feel like just working here is a constant trigger for me. Yesterday night and tonight have been really slow here at work. Yesterday I did fine, read my bible, read on the board, read another book on marriage somebody let me borrow. But tonight hasn't been as good. I tried doing all the same things I did the other night, but for some reason my mind kept going back to XAP, and how much I still miss him. But I know that just like the experience I had with my father, time heals all wounds. Makes me think of that Poison song "Every rose has it's thorn". How's it go, "the wound heals, but the scar remains." Anyway, just wanted to share that yes, I am still missing him, but it is getting better.

Hurt now healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 8:29am
Hugs honey.

What a terrible experience for you - my heart hurts for you. As has been said before our previous losses get brought to the fire when we e periwnce other losses (ie ending your A) in our lives. Be gentle with yourself. It's great that you are seeing progress over time in your feelings and you are still do very early out in a challenging situation.

You will still have feelings of missing him - most of us did and they may stay for some time. But you can cope with these feelings and by not acting on them you will keep yourself safe.

Keep going sweetie - (( more hugs ))

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 9:19am

How awful (((HNH)))...I am so sorry about your Father.

Yellowone is right.  When we experience a loss, it sets our other losses to jingling.  And if we are unaware of this, we can place too much emphasis on the last loss.

Recognizing that you are grieving a loss...just as you would any other loss...and going with the flow and not acting on your intense progress and half the battle of putting this behind you.  You win a battle every time you don't...and all these smaller battles add up to one big VICTORY.  Keep up the good fight.

Good luck with the job hunting