It couldn't have been worse - HELP
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| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:28pm |
I was very open and the counselor helped guide me with what I was saying but she told me she can't change H's mind. He kep saying the same thing over and over, he has no more feelings for me and never will. That everything is gone and he will always care about me because of DD but that is it. Everything I said he would brush off or say it wasn't the reason, he didn't think that was it, etc. So the counselor asked him what he thought was and he couldn't give her an answer. I talked about the reasons I thought I got into the A and he pushed those aside and said that he didn't think that was it. I can't win, I just don't know what to do. I have been physically ill all night, I can't stop crying.
I did ask H why he told me he had feelings for someone else because it was going to come out in counseling but he hasn't said anything to her. He said it didn't come up, I asked him how would she even know to ask him if he had feelings for someone else. Again he couldn't answer. I asked why after he told the neighbor that his feelings didn't he say anything to her he said because it wasn't important. I asked how now that him and the neighbor have decided to forget it was said and go back to being friends can he do it and he said because nothing ever happend and right now neither one of them is in a position to act on it. Until everything is over he wouldn't act on his feelings. This devasted me because he makes it seem like the neighbor has feelings for him. I am going to call her in the morning and tell her what H said and let her figure out that being friends with him isn't going to work.
So basically the session ended with the counselor saying that I had to come in this week again because she doesn't think I can make it until our next joint session on Monday, she is very concerned about me. She said I have to start giving some thought to accepting H's feelings and that he isn't going to change. She wants to continue the joint sessions and my IC, if I want to also see my other IC that is up to me. I can't remember much else because by that time I was crying and shaking ad didn't hear much.
I'm scared I can't take this, I can't go on. What do i do now? Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I can't stop shaking and crying.
DAF

Your husband is HIDEING from his real feelings, these feeling for the OW are just a way of hurting you back, he refusal to even look at your thoughts in a serious manor is just more avoiding dealing with the affair in an honest frank way, if he keeps it up to long he is going to be one of those people that end up regreting turning his back on his marriage.
Let the joint sessions continue as long as possible, your husbands emotions are like a preasure cooker, sooner or later there going to really blow one way or another and he is going to need help.
Know that you will survive this, move forward when the time it right with your husband if he wants but don't go backward toward XOM, he did not do you any favors, remember he know full well he was sabotageing your marriage and family by being involved with you and he did not care enough to walk away.
Keep posting and VENTING
((((GREAT BIG HUGS)))))
Free
Daf,
First let me say I am so so sorry you are going thru this. I wish I had some kind of advice or some miracle to get ALL of us out of these situations. I am not all that familiar with your story but just off what I have read, and some of my own experience I felt really compelled to respond. I may get blasted pretty hard for this but I beleive in brutal honesty. With that said, I have to ask, and you are in no way obligated to respond but you can tell me to mind my own bussines if you feel I over step my boundries here but this is my two cents..There is obviously a reason you chose to end the A and try to work things out with your H. This is a very hard thing to do I realize. I commend you greatly. But when I read the obvious disreguard your H has for this reconciling it made me wonder. Let me give you a little history I was married for 11 yrs, divorced now, he was paranoid, accused me of having an affair (COMPLETELY FALSE AN UNFOUNDED). We tried counseling NO AVAIL he couldnt take the fact that the MC told him he was abusive ( emotionally) an blah blah blah , let me also add I never even made it to a session with her she comcluded all this just him an his side of things. Bare with me iam trying to stay on track, but what I see is a woman that for whatever reason was not all that content in her M an ended up in a bad situation, is doing her best to get out an instead of being supported by the one MAN in her life that should he is making her life even more hellish with his own selfish reasons..My Marriage ended because my husband an I had just chipped away at what ever love we once had for one another. I will tell you from experience no ONE person can save a marriage if both dont do thier part then its not going to work. I am by no means saying get invovled with another man you were right in doing so or anything of that nature. 2 wrongs dont make a right kind of thing. But you also dont deserve to be punished by hearing he has feelings an he doesnt think your reasons are valid an so on and so forth even if he is just saying so out of pain. Any one who says he has a right because he is hurt might as well say well you had an affair its only fair he does to.. thats BS.. Point blank if you both want the marriage then you BOTH work to make it an if not.. Well hun an this is from experience.. Id rather live alone an happy with who I am then miserable in a marriage with no trust love or mutual respect..Please understand I am by no means saying leave your husband ( before any one jumps down my throat) I am saying look deep inside yourself..Look at your husband .. Really look at him an look at your life..
We always get asked about the MM an the affairs.. What do they bring to you ? What do they give you ? Do they support you ? Well ask some of those same questions about the H?
and not just after the A.. Before was he attentive, compassionate,supportative..
Again its just my 2 cents and you can take it or toss it. I know I probably didnt help much ( IM SORRY) but I do hope you can see my point..Everyone is different, situations are all different. But in the end its what you see when you look deep an find what makes you happy..Even if its not always what you want it to be..
Best wishes an all my prayers for you hun,
KRM
Daf,
I'm really sorry things didn't go as you had hoped. Your husband seems to have shut down and unless or until he
Free: Once again I knew you would be there for me. I say I have to agree with you about H hiding his feelings, because there was absolutely no emotion from him at all, which I pointed out to the counselor. I think she saw plenty from that session because everytime I did say something and share my feelings he would jump in and say that wasn't it. It came up about all major decisions have been made by him and how I have just gone along just like now, he didn't say anything to that. I will try with the joint sessions, I just don't know how much more I can take before I break.
Someday: As always you know I value your opinions and will be emailing you soon for the support you have always given me.
KRM: Just so you know I ended my A because H found out, he told me that there would be no more contact and that is what I did. H still has a big hang up that after about 2 wks things went back to normal but when I ask him and the counselor asked him what he wanted he couldn't answer and says he doesn't know. My H and kids are my life and in hindsight some of the problems were just that, they are all I have and everything about my life is them. H is the other half of me and always has been, but we have very poor communication skills and always have, that I have figured out thru IC and now with the M counselor. H says that the 2 1/2 years I talked to xOM (to him it doesn't matter what happend when he considers it the entire time) is what he can't get over, all of his feelings died a long time ago. Do I believe that? NO maybe because it hurts too much maybe because I feel something I can't answer that. I do know this is tearing my heart to pieces to the point that I don't even want to go on. I have told H this over and over, he always says it is the material things I don't want to give up, I tell him without him in my life, nothing means anything to me. With counseling I was hoping that H would open up but that hasn't happened so far and I don't think it will ever change, this is the way his entire family handles things, bury it in yourself and deal with it. There isn't any reason to share anything.
I do see a IC as well as individual sessions with the M counselor she just wanted this joint session because she was afraid that things would get worse at home, that things would be said in the heat of anger that could never be taken back. According to H in counseling last night I am angry and he can see that I will blow my top soon. Little does he know that I don't even have the strength to be angry. The counselor is so worried about me that along with the joint sessions on Mon I still have to see her on Thur, and stil have that emergency # if I need her at anytime. I totally understand when you say that you and your H chipped away at whatever love you once shared because there really isn't any other way to describe it and I would have to say I agree with you. Someone last night told me the same thing you just said No One person can save the M and I can't do it alone. So how do I get to the point that I can accept all of this? How can I let him go when my heart is breaking so much? How do I find the strength to be strong for my kids? I know only I can answer these questions and you guys can only give me guidance and support but I can't move on.
I have to go and get away from the computer for now. I will check in later. Thanks again everyone for the support.
DAF
Hi Daf,
Once again I am so sorry things didnt go well. You know we all are human and make mistakes, just like kids we make them and regret later. Everything in life is fixable except death. You made a mistake, we all did, and thats why we are here for one another. Hubby to me seems like he wants you to suffer for the mistake you made, but I wouldnt let him tear you down and you are showing him he is. I know you feel bad because you hurt him but you are human and what is important here is that you are trying to mend a mistake and rebuild what you had. I hope he can get passed this, But if he doesnt hunny its not the end of the world. You cannot let him deteriorate you, you made a mistake and he knows you are sorry but he really is making you pay by hurting you. I am sorry to be negative towards him but I just dont like to hear what he is doing to you. It doesnt make things right and all he is doing is creating more agony to an already difficult situation. Hunny hang in there you will survive no matter the outcome. You have a daughter who needs you. Think of her when you feel down and let her be your strength to get you thru this.
Praying for you....
Ladybug
Daf, Daf, Daf, I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry for everything you're going thru, but truth be told, I'm starting to take some issue with your H's closemindedness. It would almost be better if he just broke down and started yelling or something, huh???
I have a particular sensitivity to the "cold shoulder," which is sort of how I would describe what your H is doing. He's withdrawing his love and attention. Face it, honey, is it realistic that he feels absolutely nothing?????? Call me crazy, but I don't think it's possible. I wish he'd just break down and tell you how he feels, even if his feelings are dark and ugly and he's angry. Is this failure to communicate or express any emotion a pattern in his life? I mean, I know you posted that you have communication issues in your marriage but does he have them in other areas of his life as well?
I have to say that I agree with what KRM and LadyBug posted. After the initial anger, etc., he's really using his emotions very unfairly, and in a way that's downright mean to you. I understand he's hurting but this silence/apathy is unproductive and damaging. You do need to take care of you. You made a mistake. Maybe even you could call it a BIG mistake. But you don't need to be a whipping post because of it. Forgive yourself and do what you need to do to be okay and take care of your DD.
I wish I had more wisdom to share with you, but here are some (((((((hugs))))))) coming your way. You'll have better days. Love, Mo.
Hi Daf.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your difficulties on this board. I know how painful it all is, but I think it is a valuable lesson for other MW who are having difficulty letting go of their A to hear.
Anyway check your email.
*hugs*
Someday
Hi Daf,
I am a BS (a woman) so don't know how you will take this. Your husband has been kicked as hard as he ever will be. I took as much as I could take from my now ex-H until I couldn't take it anymore and became hardened. I hate to say it, but I think you should see an attorney and see what your options are - don't count on your H having the forgiveness you seek at this point - maybe years down the road he will.
Look out for yourself now, sounds like your H is not into reconciliation at this point.
Hugs......
Hi BATBL:
Thank you for your response it helps to get it from your perspective but it only raises more questions. At our joint session he said somethings that surprised me, like I asked how come if all of these feelings were there and he knew there were problems we still went ahead and built the house, he said he had doubts and had talked to his mother and my mother about them, HELLO what about me, no answer from him. And it goes on and on. I fear that my H has become hardened as you say, but I am starting to see part of the problem is just that we never talked about anything. Even in counseling it is like he has a prepared speech and there is no emotion. I asked him last night if we could talk after the kids went to bed, his answer there is nothing left to say and he will not go over things every night. Then he went out.
Believe me I wish I could make a plan but everytime H brings up something I can't deal with it. I know that in counseling tomorrow morning this is one topic that we will be discussing and I don't know how I am going to handle it. H has it in his head that we will be able to use a mediator and do everything civilally right now I want to hope we could if it comes to that but I am just not there. I think part of the problem right now is that we are both in the same house and that on the surface everything is "normal". Trying to keep making the switch with my emotions is taking its toll.
I would be very interested in talking to you some more and I have more specific questions if you think you could. IF possible you can email me. Thanks again.
DAF
Daf -
I just want to agree with Someday - THANK YOU so much for coming here and posting. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now, but it has been really eye opening for me as well as some of the other MW (I'm sure).
I've learned over the last few months (through xOM) that men really do show their emotions differently. When they are hurt - sometimes they get angry, sometimes they get mean, sometimes they just shut down completely. It's a defense mechanism. I truly hope you can break through all this with the help of MC. I wish I had some words that could help. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Diva