Is it ever OK to be "friends"?
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Is it ever OK to be "friends"?
| Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:41am |
Ok, so for reference it might help if you read my earlier post today.
The simple fact is my OW and I split a couple days ago, and she says after all we've been through she still wants to remain friends, and I am at least somewhat open to that possibility. She is a wonderful person that I want only the best for, which I cannot personally provide her with. Is it even possible that we could still be friends and talk on the phone? Am I really just continuing the A by doing that?
I want to be someone for her to rely on when she needs me, I absolutely do not want to leave her in the lurch, alone and despairing. What am I to do????

There are all kinds of previous threads regarding the friendship issue. Here is one that really helped me:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=16119.1
I am one of the people here who has some continuing contact with their XAP. I am doing my best to minimize contact as I find it interferes immensely with my recovery.
Another previous post (by mefreenow) that provided some welcome clarity is as follows:
“THERE NEVER WAS OR WILL BE A REAL FRIENDSHIP ONCE YOU CROSS THAT LINE...you can not go back and any attempt to do so leads more often then not back to the affair or attempts to suck you back into it.....ongoing contact just keeps dragging you back to square one again and again so that you get to relive the pain of ENDING IT over and over again....NOW WOULD A REAL FRIEND WANT TO DO THAT TO YOU: "YES/NO"? “
I suggest that you review your own motives for wanting to maintain contact. Likely you are the last person that your XOW would view as "someone she can rely on".
JMHO,
ARTIST
lonely,
it is the exception to the rule, NO CONTACT with OW, other than that u will find yourself going back and forth with OW in an affair
ask yourself what did OW do when u were not in her life, she survive right, so what makes u think that she wont survive when u are not there ....
by doing what u want to do, u are having an emotional attachment to her which should be re-directed to your, your wife needs u and wants to lean on you, i u are in your wifes shoes, would u want to share your husband? i think not, if u keep in contact with OW, it will only bring more pain, confusion, depression, mistrust and all the drama that comes with it, trust me, i been there, u cannot imagine how much pain it will bring to u and your loved one
so pls, just let go, i know its easier said than done but people change and so do u
my 2 cents,
max
Lonely,
IMHO, there is a lot of pressure on you guys to be the Superhero Who Rescues The Maiden.
To that I respond: 1) she may not need it 2) Remember - and I'm just guessing here - how stressful it was to try to please two women and always feel like you're failing? Continuing supporting her would only perpetuate that pressured/failure feeling.
Besides, it would take A Truly Super Human Feat Of Incredible Amazingness to put yourself in the position of being supporter and friend for your xOW without falling back into it. And sometimes we put ourselves in that position just so we can have an excuse to cave. I know I do. mmmmmm....caving. :-)
Now, I've only been friends with XBF's, not with xMMs, but I'd like to think people can be friends (eventually) if they are clear about boundaries. But not for years. Like 5 years. Maybe 10. :-)
Please be well, Lonely.
S.
I was an OW who tried to remain friends with my ex-MM after the split 1.5 years ago. That friendship brought me (and him, I think) more pain than it did friendship. I have finally told him we can not be in contact any longer. I really do think it's for the best. Both of us need to direct our energies elsewhere. I have other friends who it is healthier for me to go to when I need someone. Going to him would mean revisiting all of those emotions I don't want to be in touch with anymore.
It sounds like you really do care for her, but caring for her does not necessarily mean being in contact with her. You might tell her that if she ever needs you you will try to be available to help her, but don't promise something you can't deliver. And stop hating yourself for it. Be honest with her and yourself. It's over.
That's a loaded user name you've got there, LSH. Please try not to be so down on yourself, particularly in relation to this A.
Well, you know you have no business being "someone for her to rely on." I don't mean to sound cold but this is coming from my own personal experience, she needs to find other people to rely on. Period. Not you.
My XMM contacted me recently for my advice on the mess he's currently in with his wife and new OW. I stupidly thought I could be "someone he could rely on." Wrong. Thank God I've moved past the feelings for now, but he had me in a total tailspin. I thought I could be indifferent, disconnect, and give him the same advice I would any friend.
But here's the thing. First of all, I'm particularly naive, I guess, because I believed that he really contacted me for advice. I've since been assured that this was just a ploy. So from my own experience, I guess I would say that you run the risk that she will use that friendship to manipulate you when she wants to have you around. She may invent reasons why she needs to rely on you, and you'll have yourself chasing your own tail trying to be there for her. That's how I felt about trying to be a confidant for my XAP, anyway.
I know that all the previous posters have already recommended again this and I don't want to be redundant so I'll leave it at that. JMHO, if you really want the best for her, don't try to be her friend. Let her go. Love, Mo.