Is it ever really over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Is it ever really over?
11
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:18pm

Long time member, poster and lurker here. A with MM lasted just shy of three years (I am single). Have been repeatedly asking him to not contact me any longer and he continues to bait me and I fall for it every time. I understand the "addiction" aspect of this. Ours was physical until he moved out of the area months ago. Has been emotional ever since. He is still M, yet says he is going through a divorce. That is neither here nor there at this point. I thought a few weeks ago it was finally over, but again was baited and again, fell for it. Ending this has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Going through my divorce was easier emotionally than this. When will I learn not to be checking email and voicemail constantly? When will I stop looking over my shoulder, even though he is hundreds of miles away now? I thought I could start breathing again, but find myself short of breath all the time.

The advice here is wonderful. I have been in email contact with another from this board and her support has been unconditional, even though I have managed to screw this up so many times. I have become so dependent on this MM. I truly hope I can say xMM very soon and really mean it. Yesterday, again, I told him to leave me alone. Our cycle is that the hangup phone calls begin after I ask him to stop all contact. That did begin again today, but this time, instead of taking the bait, I emailed my friend and posted here. I have managed to box up all the little gifts received and have put them in the back of the closet, where they are not easy to get to. Perhaps I will donate the stuffed animals to the local women's shelter (and there are a lot of stuffed animals). I have some articles of clothing from him that I need to destroy, or just throw away. The cards will one day be shredded, when I can muster the strength to do so. When I see all that has been given to me and see that I have been able to do nothing of the sort in return, I realize how one-sided this whole sick relationship is/was. When he relocated back to the other state (with his W), he returned the cards and pictures I had given him, for "safekeeping". Yeah, right. He says that one day he will want all of that back. Of course, he cannot have it now and with good reason. I will also destroy all of those as well when I find the strength to do so.

I have started this ending so many times and have seen so many other posters who have done the same. I feel like a failure in that I know this relationship will never go any further than it is now. I could never live with this man, nor would I want him back in this area after everything we have been through. I have let my family down because of my relationship with this person. I have neglected myself, my home, my friends because there are days when all I can do is go to work and then come home and hide. I have kept a wonderful single man at arm's length and I really want to become more involved with him, yet the spectre of the MM is so heavy on my mind that I cannot move forward. I have become an expert liar with my emotions and putting on the show that all is well with the world.

I know this ending MUST stick this time. I have to start concentrating on me and putting myself back together. If I can get through a few days with no contact, then perhaps it might get easier. I know that time heals, but it is so hard to look forward sometimes.

Not sure if I am looking for advice or venting. Thank you for reading and thank you all for being here. Even though I have failed miserably (so far) at ending this once and for all, I have never been turned away from this board and the wonderful people here. God grant me the strength to stick to this now so I can really begin to breathe again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 4:33pm
Thank you shes. You were a tremendous help before and glad you are still here to help out. NC has been initiated more times than I care to count, and always by me. Maintaining it has been a whole other story though. Have to do it this time....

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