It feels like I am starting all over aga
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| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:14am |
So I broke my NC last week and truth be told I feel like I am starting from scratch with ending this. I think his response to me and change of tone by being much more "himself" in his email has set me back BIG TIME!
When we ended it he was so cold and indifferent which made it that much easier for me to walk away with some sort of dignity but when we emailed each other last week and admitted that he missed me well now I am a mess again. I cant stop thinking about him again. He would enter my thoughts obviously during the 5 week NC period but know I feel like I need more. Having major withdrawl now from him.
We have gone back and forth on some emails and I find myself struggling again. Its almost like when he was a jerk to me it was easier to walk away.
What do I do? How do I get back on the right track again. Why did I allow myself to fall back into this. The pain in my chest and the anxiety feels like day 1 again. So not worth it! I was doing so well...now I feel like I cant control myself again.
I cant believe how easy it is to become victim to this feeling again. I am so mad at myself for not being smarter. Thinking that it wouldnt be a big deal and it really is.
I am stuck in the trap and I cant figure a way out this time. Stuck!
xo!
A sad and frustrated and pissed off Dipss

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Hey Dipss
Thank you for the advice. Its funny how we find ourselves in practically the same boat today. I know I have to maintain the NC, for my own sanity, and trust me I have. I just have that anxiety in me today as well as you that I feel like day 1 all over again.
You to stay strong and good luck today, WE are going to need this board today big time.
I cant wait till this day is over.........
Thank You
Hugs
Ladybug
Anyhows, I'm feeling much stronger after the beating I gave myself last week. I so do not want to jeopardize how wonderful my rebuilding is going with my DH. And I really understand that this isn't about the XMM or the DH - this is just about me wanting to escape. Truth is, when I hit the send button and those stupid TMs go out to XMM, I'm not sure I really know or care where they're going. It's just the thrill of the contact. Make sense? I think an old gray-haired geezer could be sending them and it wouldn't matter to me. It's just about the thrill.
Hang in there, Dipss. And spend the day posting on this board if you must. We're all here for you and we want to see you make it thru this! Love, Mo.
First of all...<> LOL!!! Too funny!
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God. Thats it Mo. I totally understand and it totally makes sense. How the hek do we control that???? It feels so hard. I cant find anything that gives me that feeling of "escape" that the A did. So pathetic I know but its the truth. I wish I could replace that with something else...I just havent found that yet. Or maybe I just need to better understand what the hek I am escaping from and why xMM is the only one that feeds that crazy escapism.
I am just so annoyed that I got sucked back in thinking that I wouldnt really be affected.
I also read True's and Posies post about the people coming here are really looking to end the A and I am but just curious...does it appear that I am not when I have a slip up? Should I not be posting here when that happens? Lord knows I dont want to set the succesful ones back with my stupidity. Ok. Just curious.
xo!
Dipss
Dipss, let me ask you something a little bit off topic: is your job really stressful? I know there are certainly extenuating circumstances in my life which cause me to go to great lengths to escape, and I was wondering if you're in the same boat.
Hang in there. Relapsing is permissible. We're just trying to learn from our mistakes and go forward without causing any further harm. I'm so, so sorry for the people on this board who are struggling with their marriages as a consequence of the A, but they are teaching a valuable lesson to the rest of us. These As ruin lives. Love, Mo.
Thank you for your really nice and supportive words.
I just feel like such a failure when I look at all those on here that have the right amount of strength and courage to have made their decision, stuck with it and just move on. It seems so simple, considering all the potential consequences but at times by brain shuts off and the emotional side of me takes over and well then I am doomed.
Yes, I have a stressful job, but I think its some of my past that makes me look for an escape. In all honesty I really should be looking into IC...I just havent done that yet. Its actually interesting but I was reading the other thread about having good friends and well the truth is since I have moved to a new country i no longer have that good support group of friends anymore...and xMM became my crutch/friend. I know my H should be my crutch, which he always would and will be, but I felt a different type of support with xMM...makes no sense I know.
So what are we gonna do? How are you handling managing the "escape" struggle??
xo!
I guess you should have been paying attention in class if you ad you would not be back in grade 1 again would you.
N-O C-0-N-T-A-C=T, it is the only way and it will only work if you want it to as long as your giving yourself excuses to keep contacting him such as STRESS which is pure B/S by the way.
You can rest assued when he feels comfotable enough you will get your jerk back again.
THESE THINGS END WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO, no one else can do it for you so decide Dipps do you really want it over YES OR NO, answer the question if you can't answer the question then the answer is NO .
Dipps I am not going to dance around the reason your having these problems is you, no one can really help you until your really want it 100 percent.
Free
I am not sure to whom you are referring when you mention "all those on here that have the right amount of strength and courage to have made their decision, stuck with it and just move on."
I won't presume that you are putting me in that category, but just in case you are, know this: I continue to struggle with maintaining the end of my A every single day -- it has only been 6 weeks and I cannot maintain NC for work reasons that I have mentioned in previous posts. I may sound like I have my act together, but an addiction like mine (my A lasted 4 years) doens't go away overnight!! I know I have done the right thing in ending it, but it takes work on my part EVERY DAY to get over it. Posting here and helping others does a great deal to help me emotionally. This board is fabulous!
So please don't get discouraged--all of us struggle, but each week it gets easier. It is truly easier to manage one hurdle at a time, so try your best to handle the moment you are in and after a time you will look back and marvel at the progress you have made :-)
I wish you strength...we are here for you!!
Meg
Ok. Even more bizarre. Since I am throwing it all out there. I almost feel like the Dipss in the A is completely a different person. Its not the real Dipss. Its the one that runs away from reality and hides behind this other type of personality that is irresponsable, wild, crazy...I know I sound like a nut job.
So yes Free, I do want to end it. I just dont know how. So maybe until I figure it all out I stop pissing people off with my back and forth, weak a**, indecisiveness.
Yeah, in case your wondering, I am in a crappy mood today.
Dipss.
I understand completely. I am one of those people who some others posted (rather harshly) and thought I wanted to stay in my A or was looking for an excuse to stay in the A. Not true. I hate the person I have become because of it. I hate that I have let XOM have control over my life and my emotions.
What I am having a hard time with is understanding where these feelings are coming from - one day I feel strong, the next day I feel weak. I have a hard time understanding XOM too and the way he use to treat me vs. the way he treats me now.
Believe me, I want to walk away - but wanting and doing are two different things. These men/women have become an addiction - or rather the feelings we have when we are with them have become the addiction. It's learning how to break that that I think we are struggling with.
Diva
I've been lurking around these posts, but I came out of lurking to tell you and Dipss that I also write stronger than I feel.
Some days, I actually pick up the phone to dial his number because I just can't stand one more minute of missing him.
I just want, want, want to hear his voice so bad!
But, fortunately, I want this pain to go away more. I don't want to hurt and miss him anymore. Since I can't snap my fingers and make it go away, I have to wade through it--one day at a time.
Keep posting, your stories help me very much.
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