It feels like I am starting all over aga

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
It feels like I am starting all over aga
16
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:14am
Hey All,

So I broke my NC last week and truth be told I feel like I am starting from scratch with ending this. I think his response to me and change of tone by being much more "himself" in his email has set me back BIG TIME!

When we ended it he was so cold and indifferent which made it that much easier for me to walk away with some sort of dignity but when we emailed each other last week and admitted that he missed me well now I am a mess again. I cant stop thinking about him again. He would enter my thoughts obviously during the 5 week NC period but know I feel like I need more. Having major withdrawl now from him.

We have gone back and forth on some emails and I find myself struggling again. Its almost like when he was a jerk to me it was easier to walk away.

What do I do? How do I get back on the right track again. Why did I allow myself to fall back into this. The pain in my chest and the anxiety feels like day 1 again. So not worth it! I was doing so well...now I feel like I cant control myself again.

I cant believe how easy it is to become victim to this feeling again. I am so mad at myself for not being smarter. Thinking that it wouldnt be a big deal and it really is.

I am stuck in the trap and I cant figure a way out this time. Stuck!

xo!

A sad and frustrated and pissed off Dipss

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 4:56pm
Dipps

Will the real Dipss stand up please, the idea of you being split in half is entirely normal, scared little dips is the one that needs to make that decision when she does and decides tp stop running away then it will really be over.

"So yes Free, I do want to end it. I just dont know how. So maybe until I figure it all out I stop pissing people off with my back and forth, weak a**, indecisiveness."

WRONG, that would just be more running away, identifying and dealing with the reason(s) you run is the solution, you can never out run your internal deamons there always with you until you slay them.

Your standing up and snarling back shows there is some iron in your backbone, so theres hope.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:04am
Good morning, Dipss. Are you in a better mood? You really got some fur up on those earlier posts, LOL.

Listen, I do understand completely about the feeling that you're literally split in 2 in this situation, and it's the fun, crazy, wild Dipss in the affair, and the responsible, mature Dipss trying to end it. We all have little niches in our personalities. For some reason, your XMM brings out a niche in your personality that you seem to be comfortable with.

But here's the thing, Dipss. You've got to identify the feeling, the motivation for the feeling, the void that created the motivation for the feeling, and start your work there! My T suggested going cold turkey and just sitting in the feelings so you can really identify what the heck is causing such turmoil in your spirit. Me, I realized that my desire to contact XMM almost always happens when I've just had freakin' enough. When my kids are driving me insane, when I've got more work than I can handle, when I'm up to my eyeballs in housework. And this makes sense, because XMM was never, ever a part of any of that in my life. He and I NEVER spent time trying to deal with my kids, especially my DS's handicap, we never kept house together, he does not help me run my not-for-profit corporation. He was pure and total escape from everything. So here's my current plan of attack: BEFORE the kids start driving me insane, I take a break. I make sure I don't get to that point. Even if it's just a little progress, I try to make things around my house better every day; i.e. not letting dishes pile up, going grocery shopping regularly, not letting a week's worth of laundry accumulate for Saturday, you get it. I DON'T let these situations get out of hand so that my real life doesn't seem so unmanageable. I also take alot, I mean ALOT, of mental health breaks. I don't care WHAT'S going on around me, if I need to go out for a run or do an hour of yoga, I do it. If I need to talk to a friend, or just sit and knit for awhile, I do. I try never to let myself get to that point of desperation.

Now, the last time I struggled with wanting to contact XMM, it was the day after my annual fundraiser for my son's disease. I had spent the month leading up to the fundraiser running around like crazy, plus managing the house and my small law practice. I just wanted to get away!!!!! So I did yoga instead.

Like you, I keep wondering where the heck these feelings are coming from. But please, Dipss, make no mistake about it. These feelings ARE NOT because the XMM is so wonderful or because you love him or need him. They are about YOU. Please take some time for yourself and figure out what's causing so much unrest and work on that. You're doomed to stay in the same misery if you don't get at the root of the problem.

Just my (very long winded) .02 for today. Hang in there, Dipss. You can do it. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 11:13am
Free and Mo,

Reading your posts brought me to tears. Its strange you guys have more confidence in me right now then I do. Just really down and frustrated right now. Frustrated cuz' I cant figure out what the h**l is wrong with me! I seemed to have lost the get up and go gusto I had just not so long ago. Dont know what happened that has brought me back. But it almost feels worse now than it did before. Its like the relapse his hit me even harder this time. Perhaps cuz' it was the longest of NC that I had maintained and to have had that small dose of xMM has made me really lose my sh*t.

I hate sounding so depressed and miserable and weak. It truly is an annoying quality that I have rarely admired and here I am today displaying all those qualities. I was always a firm believe that I control my destiny. I have always been head strong both in business and personally. For some *&%#!! reason when it comes to xMM I become this weak frail woman. What the f*#@ is up with that?

So I appreciate your words of strength and encouragement. Hoping that I will get out of this rut and start believing in myself again too. I love you guys!!! (((Thank You)))


xoxoxoxo!!!!!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 8:31pm
Dipss

Sweetpea believe me you will escape this trap, and you will learn from your mistakes, pain is the great motivator in getting out of this Sh$t it really is and right now your getting a dose of it and it will help you as as hard as it is do deal with it.

Any contact with XMM wil always put you back to square one tell your trully past the affair.

We cannot help have feelings but we can choose not to act on them we can choose not to surrender to the urges, we can choose to re educate our reflexes so that we respond to stress in a new way.

I used to respond to stress by eating and drinking to much but with effort I changed that to eating healthy and hitting the gym to work the stress off, when your overloaded at work try just getting up and taking a brisk walk in the parking lot or around a part of the building were XMM will not be.

Stay put and keep posting, we may get a little rough on you but it is only because we care.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:08am
Hey, Dipps. I fell right back into mine, so I haven't even been coming here; I feel guilty and weak. The thing is, I don't feel any better than I did when I tried NC. I had a brief high from feeling wanted and the old excitement but we did our old pattern: he pursued aggressively, I caved and now he's withdrawn, so I'm at the low point (where I honestly think I spend the majority of time in this A.) I feel disappointed and let-down and guilty, as my H. has been very attentive and nice. I think alot of Posie and Free saying you will end it when you are ready, unfortunately, I seem to be stuck. Anyway, sorry for rambling on, I just wanted to tell you slipping back into it hasn't done it for me-I would have been much better to remain at NC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:26am
dipss -

Have you read that book 'don't call that man'? If you haven't, you should.

I posted a bunch of interesting stuff in it a while back if you want to search for it.

This book explains these feelings, etc. Mostly it talks about experiencing, but NOT

acting on them (OK, so that is so much easier said than done.) But it's the truth!

We can ALL attest to the fact that we have bad days. If we slip up and contact XMM we feel like crap after (for the most part). If we make it through the 8 hours or however long it is, we feel so confident and happy that we did not act on those feelings.

I still have bad days. But most of them are good ones. I don't understand either how I can flip-flop; it just means I am still not COMPLETELY over it. When I could care less about him then I will be totally over it.

You said it yourself that you are in control of your destiny. You are! Make a choice - do you want to continue to feel like crap, or do you want to get mad, and pick yourself up and say 'today is another day'. Let's go from here. You can do it, you know you can. Nobody can do it for you, you have to take major control of your thoughts. Write down your feelings to get them out. After a while you will get sick of writing the same thing over and over. Then you will start to heal.

You will get out of the rut and become that powerful woman again who is indeed in control of her own destiny!

Hugs!

Pages