it gets so hard for me when....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
it gets so hard for me when....
6
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:48am

...H and i are fighting.

We are trying to rebuild our relationship. we are doing REALLY well and moving forward. most of our days are good, and we're communicating better. i am opening up more about the A.

yet, there are moments when H is just being a total a$$hole, making me feel like dirt, making me feel so criticized and worthless, that all i want is to run to AP.

i realize that kind of cowardly behavior is what got me in to the A in the first place; desperate for closeness and acceptance. the reality is, married couples fight and struggle, and i engaged in behaviors that complicated our reality, so now we fight even MORE. its just so hard when that happens, because i return to the pre-A mindset of "i'm so alone, i just want somebody to make me feel better...". i'm aware of it, and i'm posting here to get your guys's thoughts. as i write this, H has decided to sleep on the couch. he's also fairly drunk, and when he drinks, he's much more likely to dredge up the past and pick fights with me about it (tonight's fight was that at dinner, i originally planned to order one item and then ordered another, which according to him is a fundamental reflection of my dishonesty and flawed character--clearly he's got a lot of resentment!)

couples' counseling will probably be a good idea for us, and we've discussed it and he's open to it. but in these moments where i feel hurt and rejected by him, all i want is to seek comfort in AP, and have him tell me how wonderful and beautiful i am. i want to run to his place and have him hold me. i know that is ridiculous because it wont make me feel any better and i need to learn to tolerate my distress and face the challenges of marriage like a grown up.

but damnit, its so hard....

any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 1:59am

Hi Exi82



Im brand new here and probably shouldnt respond- Im well and truly still a mess.



BUT.... on marriages I know a bit :)



My H and I have been to many counselling things. We tend to go sporadically and never stay the distance- we say 'oh things are much better now, we can stop going to counselling" but it means we never get to the long term guts of our issues.



But I am a fan of counselling and think you should definately look into it. Just saying the things that hurt us in a way that is polite to a stranger- often makes your H go 'what? I didnt know you felt that', but al the time you have been saying these things in arguments for years!



Also, I have been doing a lot of reading about A's lately. One great book said that if we treated our H like we treat our A, then our H will become that atentive and that lovely too. Basically anyone will act like a

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 8:59am
What you/I and every M member on this board did to their spouse is they drove a dagger through their spouse's heart by having an A. There is no pill a BS can take to make them forget that they are "sleeping with the enemy". The person they loved and trusted the most betrayed everything that they believe in. How can they ever trust us when we lied and risked our M for someone who isn't even half as good as our spouses. Someone who would hold our hand and help us to break our M vows. Your DH is in so much pain right now. Staying with you through your betrayal is the hardest thing he has probably ever done. He is dying inside and you are still thinking about running back to your XAP. Couples do get into arguments and sometimes we need to distance ourselves for a night or so to re-group. Living with another human being who is vastly different from you is very hard. M is hard. Our coping mechanisms are broken. Running to someone outside of our M to make us feel good destroys the M even further. What your DH needs is your constant reassurance that he is safe loving and trusting you again. You have to be willing to go the extra mile to make him feel safe in the M again. A lot of WS can't do the hard work necessary to fix what they have broken and that is why so many M end in D after an A. It takes a lot convincing someone that you really want to be with them after you have slept with someone else. It's obvious that you are still in the fog and aren't ready to give your M 100% and extract your AP and the fantasy you created with him from your brain. Your DH can tell that you are still not totally invested in him and your M. If you want your M to work you are going to have to commit 100% and the two of you are going to have to fight like h*ll to save your M. I highly suggest MC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 9:22am

I'm S (never married) so I can't really speak to the issues within an M (save perhaps what I've seen with my parents, who are still M) and from what I can gather myself from LTR's. Anyway!
I can see what you're saying here MMMB, and I agree that it would be one heck of a fight to save and rebuild everything. However, I am also reminded of Transcendingus's posts about how it takes two to rebuild a M. It takes two to trust again. Yes, the WS has to bend over backwards, so to speak, to regain trust (especially if the BS knows about the A), but if the BS is simply not willing or able to trust, no amount of work on the part of the WS will ever build the trust/M to former (or better) levels. Does the BS have the right to be hurt and distrustful? Of course. But if they know themselves well enough to see that they won't ever trust again or can themselves be fully invested in the M - then what does one do?

"How can they ever trust us when we lied and risked our M for someone who isn't even half as good as our spouses." - I've seen some success stories here where trust and a stable M has been re-built with the effort of both partners. If the BS can never, ever trust again (and hey, rightfully so if they know themselves well enough that they can/will admit to not ever trusting their S again) what is the point of the M? Will it ever work if there is no trust? I think I can see what you're getting at here, in the beginning stages 'how can they trust'; that I get, it's not as though trust/forgiveness is or will be instant. But, if there can never be trust ever again, there's no point to keep the M going as far as I can see.

I wonder then, on top of MC, is there a space for a discussion about how willing Exi's H is in terms of trusting again? I'm sorry Exi, I've forgotten how far out you are, so maybe it's too soon for such a discussion. Though, what I'm getting at still stands. While the balance is terribly unequal, it still takes two. One has to work to regain trust/build up/re-invest in the M, the other has to be willing to trust again and also re-invest in the M, build it up with its new dynamic and context.
As for how to deal with wanting to run back to xAP when you and H fight...not sure how to address that, since I don't know that particular struggle. I do know what it's like to hit a snag in my life in general and want to talk to xAP about it, seek comfort there. But then, I just remind myself that any comfort I got he took back 10-fold. That is, it simply isn't worth it because it's more damaging (to many parties) than anything. I would imagine that would be the case here as well. But, good on y' for coming here instead of reaching out to xAP :)

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 11:45am

Hi E82,



I didn’t read all the replies so I don’t know if I’m repeating something someone already said. Frankly I’m worn out and worn down by constantly trying to defend the board and I’m drained and not able to take too much more of it so I was not up to reading the replies. I did already read your post earlier and wanted to share my thoughts.



First there is a delicate balance in rebuilding where the WS needs to be humbled about the pain they caused but that does not mean they are to take abuse. You are not a whipping board. Just as you are responsible for your actions and the pain you caused to your H and others your H is responsible for his actions or reactions.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:39pm

I would like to add to E1's wonderful post that it is also normal for the addict to want to run back to the crack-pipe when things start to go _well_! Fear of success, habit, a stirring of romantic feelings that trigger memories... myriad reasons. Still, it's all an Addict Mindset and indicative of how far one is in the healing process... or NOT, as the case may be.

Irrespective of how to handle your M or you H, you've acknowledged your challenging feelings and this is a positive step toward awareness and purposeful/conscious decision making for better behavior. Good job and good job coming here with your vulnerabilities.

Hugs,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 3:52pm

hi all,
thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. i guess at some point in the night, H decided to come back to bed, and this morning he apologized for picking a fight with me. E1, we had a similar conversation to the one you are describing. i told him that i completely understand where his anger is coming from and i know we have a long road to travel. i told him that i just dont want to have conversations about our relationship when we've had drinks and that we need to find healthy ways to address the underlying resentments we continue to feel towards one another.

Dee, one of your comments really stuck with me "fear of success" is something i've always had when it comes to relationships. in everything else, i go for the gold, and i often achieve it! but in relationships, i'm so scared of being happy. those are my own issues for which i need my own counseling, obviously :) but i think thats why i instinctually desire to sniff the crack pipe. AP was my go-to coping mechanism for the past 10 months...i'm out of practice with all my healthier coping tools, and i need to get back in the practice of it.

in terms of my H's willingness to trust me again, i think he's got a LONG way to go. he's got a lot of anger towards me, understandably so, and he's not by nature a trusting character. he's also just so sensitive becuase of how i treated him; i was running late to meet him the other day, and he said he was so worried i'd run off somewhere (with AP). there needs to be a LOT of good behavior on my part to erase those negative associations. his instinct tells him that when i'm late, its trouble. i dont know how long it will take for us to get to a point where thats not happening. but i know we both want to get there.

thank you guys again for your feedback. i was just having a particularly vulnerable moment last night and needed to post :)