it has to stop
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| Thu, 06-17-2010 - 8:23pm |
I have been in a relationship with a MM for 7 1/2 long, horrible years. I have been fooling myself for so long. Same thing, over and over and over. "I'll take care of things." "I need you." "I can't live without you." Blah blah blah. Well, I'm hoping that I have finally reached the point where I have really had enough.
Quick background: I'm single, he's married. His kids are grown, out of the house. He has no relationship to speak of with the wife. He's quite miserable, but so far is willing to stay because of the kids.
I was told yesterday that he's taking the next two weeks off of work, leaving with the wife and one of his kids to spend some time with his family out of state.
Right now I'm still numb. We talked briefly this afternoon - I have no idea when he's leaving. My cell phone is off for the night, but I know I'll need help in the next few weeks to get this man out of my life.
I want and deserve a REAL relationship. Any thoughts and words would be appreciated!

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Hi bodhi,
7.5 years is a really long time for the single person to be involved with someone married. Their stories are all the same - yes, he stays because of the kids, when kids are grown and out of the house already. And he is so miserable so he goes on vacation with his wife - to enjoy his non-existant relationship with her to the fullest. Yeah, makes sense.
Good for you for waking up and taking your life back.
Scroll down the main page and read the Healing Library - every word. You will cry a lot reading it. Read every post here and post yourself. You need to cut him out of your life completely if possible - this is the quickest way to heal and to move on, proved by many success stories here. Ending an affair is a jorney and a long and painful one at that, but in the end you will be stronger and happier that you'd ever been over the last 7.5 years.
And yes, you worth more and you deserve better. Welcome to endings.
xoxo
Gone
Bodhi,
Welcome to Endings and I hope you have already started reading the threads, getting acclimated with the board, and paid a visit to our Healing Library.
You have given this JAM so many precious years of your life already so I hope you will be able to muster up some self love now, and seriously end this menagerie of a life.
Some things to think about:
"He has a life and a 1/2 with you in it, yet you have only 1/2 a life with him in yours."
"NC does not open the gates of heaven and let you in, but opens the gates of Hell and lets you out."
"Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option."
"Silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, and silence is heard."
"Affairs are a fantasy filled with false hopes and promises."
I am also single and gave up 4.5 years for a MM who proclaimed to be miserable in his M, yet to this day which is now 6 years after I ended it, he is still miserably M. Why, you ask? Because things are really not so bad in their marriages. They tell you it is just so you will stay right where they want you; available when it's convenient for them. They like having two women dote over them (called cake-eating), and it works for them as long as you don't create any waves or ask for too much. How many more years of your life are you willing to sacrifice for a cake-eating JAM? (Just a man).
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Hoping isn't going to cut it, honey. You need to make a decision NOW that you have had enough. Read the thread called "Enough is enough" which I think is under the single section. See just how much you identify with it and then "I hope" you will see that you are on a never ending roller coaster ride to nowhere.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
Bodhi,
Welcome to eas and I hope that you stay here, read and post often. You will find the women here will carry you till you can walk on your own.
We have all been where you are and its time to say ENOUGH. You need to move past this dependency and addiction that you have with this man. You are his "beck and call girl" and you will always be until you have had enough. I let my A continue on till I had nothing. I had no self esteem, no self respect and the lows of being someone's after thought took its toll. Tell me bodhi, have you had enough yet?
One thing that struck me about your post is you used the term "the wife". She has a name bodhi and you know what it is and you also know she is HIS wife, not the wife. I only point this out because I've done the exact same thing. I couldn't call her or term her "his wife" so I always used "the". IMO, we do this to reflect the lack of relationship that our Xmm has with her. However she is his and he is hers and that will remain the case. Your presence in his life allows him to stay married, you have put your real life on hold so you can allow someone to Have their cake and eat it too. Hell, we have all served that cake to our Xmm and pretty much fed it to them.
When things get complicated between the 2 of you does he pull back? Does he say he needs some space, some time to clear his head? Do pretty much all of your thoughts and you days revolve around this MM and his availability? You will always be third in line for him behind his wife and his children. Please quit being his option when you need to be your own priority. Live your life for you and allow the dust to settle. You will see how nice it is to not be a slave to your cell phone or computer just hoping and praying for one scrap of attention that he throws your way. Keep in mind, and as Iddy says, its better to deal with the memories than live with the drama.
We can lead you to the water, its up to you to take a drink.
Much love to you.
GMLB
Edited 6/17/2010 11:35 pm ET by getmylifeback72
GMLB - You said you let it go on until you had nothing - that's pretty much where I am now. I wrote the other night: I used to be confident, I used to be funny, I used to be pretty, I used to have fun. Then I met you. And to answer your question, YES, he pulls back when I push and YES I think about him all the time and my life revolves around him all the time. Why do I keep going back for more????? I'm afraid of the unknown. I've lost friends. I really have no one to turn to (except all of you now) :) Thank you for calling me out on "the" wife. I absolutely don't want to admit that he belongs to someone else. I'm glad they are leaving tomorrow. It will be a little easier to start NC when his car isn't down the street.
Thank you -
Bodhi
OK bodhi, you have hidden out in this fantasy relationship for too long. Seven long years of hiding, sneaking, lying and believing someone whom you really don't truly know. No, you don't know him totally because there are so many hidden parts of his life that you are forbidden to enter. You don't know what's really going on with his W (not the wife, but HIS WIFE). You are single and you have been using this relationship and lying to yourself and others for too long because you are afraid to seek out and find a real relationship with a man where you can be 100% woven into his entire life. You made a choice to do this for so long not because MM is so wonderful, but because you are afraid and don't value yourself enough to not be someone's hidden and dirty little secret. You really need to ask yourself why you settled for being his hidden secret for so long. What about you makes you feel that you don't deserve any better than that. You are single. Go out and dance and have fun with yourself.
Right now you are mad because you realize that this poor, miserable MM who is "trapped" in a M against his will with a W is going on vacation with "the wife" who he is so miserable with. It's all smoke and mirrors. Of course he isn't going to tell you that his M is wonderful because would you really stick around. You are actually shocked that this MM lied to you??? Really???? Why would you be? Have you met his mother or anyone else who is important in his life? Probably not. Has he introduced you to his closest relatives or closest friends as the woman he loves, or have you been hidden for seven years. It's time to say enough and open yourself to someone who will take you home to mama and let the world know that you are his.
He is going to call you when he returns from his trip with his W and you will have to decide whether you are going to continue to subject yourself to this kind of relationship.
Bodhi,
A big warm welcome to EAS. You will find lots of encouragement and support here. You'll get a lot of empathy but you will also get a lot of "head slaps" when you need it! LOL.
It is not easy and it is going to be very painful for you as you are ending this terrible, unhealthy addiction. But if you are committed to ending this charade of a relationship, you will get past it in time. We all have hurt terribly, but we gain strength every day by coming here and sharing.
Don't fool yourself into thinking you can be friends with him. I used to think that. He is not a friend. He is simply a coward, cheater, liar, JAM (just a man). He is not special. You were not special. Your relationship was not special. It was all based on lies and deceipt, which is no way to continue your life. The good thing is that you have had enough and have come to your senses. You will get to be that fun, pretty girl again. Have faith that this process works. You will find yourself at times fighting it; we've all been there done that.
Congratulations on deciding that you are no longer going to be a victim, because that is what you became when you gave up your power, dignity and self worth. But you have a choice now and that is the first step in taking back your power, your life. If you must, let him know in no uncertain terms that you are through and tell him to never contact you again. Period. Then block and walk. Don't look back.
We will all be here for you through the horrendous ups and downs of ending this A, as you suffer the withdrawls. And believe me, you will hurt. But also believe me, you CAN and WILL get past it. Big hugs to you.
~alwayst2
Welcome Bodhi- You've already received a lot of great advice and tough love. I don't have much to add, but wanted to welcome you. I hope you stick around and soak up the insight.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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