It's a wave and it will pass. Unfortunately your ocean seems to be full of them right now. Just think about how strong it's making you though. Take that bubble bath - I was in the process of emailing you :)
Every time I read your "name" I hurt inside. I hurt because those words are SO vulnerable - un-break-me. It sounds so pleading.
I hear you. I feel your hurt. Your confusion. Your fear. Your lostness.
I have felt what you are feeling. We ALL have felt what you are feeling.
It is as dark as dark gets.
AND THEN IT GETS LIGHT. And lighter and lighter, and then you can see yourself & love yourself and realize that ONLY you can piece you back together.
Only you can unbreak you.
Hun, you've got to.
Can we start with a change to your name? Think about HOW you want to define yourself ... what is your vision of where you want to be?
There is a lot to be afraid of - and I am sure you have read all there is about Ddays and the fears about what that would look like for you - in your life.
For me, one of the worst fears ... well, happens every night in my house. I am afraid. I feel vulnerable as a woman in my own home. I fall asleep listening to stuff on my laptop to try and drown out the normal creeks in a house. I NEVER felt so unsafe. Something as simple as the safety I felt with H in the house ... he steps downstairs, the tv, the security of knowing he would keep me safe. Poof. Gone.
There are a million and one things you can't ever imagine losing, that you NEVER even realized you had, until THEY ARE TOTALLY GONE. Right down to the primal need to feel safe.
Big big hugs to you UBM, i am hoping after your bath and tea you are feeling a little bit better. I think it's very good you are staying away from having a glass of wine if you feel it won't do you any good. I think it's really good you are able to recongize what would not be good for your wellbeing at this point. Be really gentle to yourself and let the feelings come out, I have learnt that facing those feelings as they come is much better than pushing them away because they only come back harder if I don't acknowledge to myself what I am feeling. Another big hug for you, you will move forward have faith in the strenghth that you have to become healthier for you:)
Big big hugs to you UBM, i am hoping after your bath and tea you are feeling a little bit better. I think it's very good you are staying away from having a glass of wine if you feel it won't do you any good. I think it's really good you are able to recongize what would not be good for your wellbeing at this point. Be really gentle to yourself and let the feelings come out, I have learnt that facing those feelings as they come is much better than pushing them away because they only come back harder if I don't acknowledge to myself what I am feeling. Another big hug for you, you will move forward have faith in the strenghth that you have to become healthier for you:)
Hello There UBM! I just want to chime in and say that I hope that as I write this you are sleeping well, and with a sense of calm. I have been sending calming vibes your way the whole day. As Bodhi said this is a wave, and you did the right thing not to hide from it, and to feel it....embrace it...and ride it all the way ashore. It will leave you washed up on more solid ground than you have ever felt before. You are in week six...and for some that was the hardest after the first 3 week detox. I just have to say that you are doing wonderful, and just say strong and keep looking forward. We are hear for you.
I told you before how much I related to your story....and so to do I hear myself in the voice of this post. I remember those feelings and could have written much of it word for word. Now here I stand, 6 months out, and starting a whole new life. Like you I am out of familiar faces. I moved cities, ended an A, and lost my W all in the last 6 months. But remember we are not islands. We are connected, and have shared your hurt. I am here to say hold onto that life raft if you are feeling weak, we will row for you! "And I am sick of caring what he feels or thinks about me and sick of trying not to care." I struggled with this for way to long! I know it is so hard to not know, and to wonder. But in the end it is only causing grief to think about. The rules of NC basically result in uncertainty.
And, I say it might be a tad bit ok that you don't recognize your life anymore... maybe even a good thing. After all it was something in that life that allowed you to act in such a deceiving and hurtful manor...not only to yourself, but to others. So maybe that is what you are not recognizing...the woman who finally said ENOUGH. But keep looking...you will learn to love her...and see her as we do.... A strong, determined, broken but fixin it, woman plowing forward. You have already come so far from those first few raw days that we read about. I know you know that you will never go back there.
I hope you awoke full of grace for the opportunity to live another day. Embrace it...and for damn sakes woman...change that MUSAK!!! :)
Sending much love, a warm hug, and lots of healing vibes your way.
(((Hugs)), honey. Triggers suck, no doubt. I couldn't even listen to music my first year out. Now I am a big classical music fan because...NO WORDS. :-)
I hope you are feeling a little stronger this morning but of course, a lot stronger would be really great too. Each time we have a mini meltdown (and get through it without mishap), we are building up emotional immunity for the next wave that will come along. And they will come....this is a process as I am sure you have already figured out. Good thinking on leaving the alcohol in the bottle where it belongs. For me it was liquid evil. Not only did it make me stupid, but got me burned every time. I gave it up several years ago and in doing so my common sense and much needed clarity returned. I like this view of life much better than the distorted lenses I was peering through.
We are all here for you, honey. I am proud of you for coming to the board for support and (((Hugs)))
Sweetie, you are right on track in the healing process. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but maybe it will help to know that I think it's perfectly normal. I was between 4-5 weeks NC when I felt just like you do: mentally exhausted from thinking so much, analyzing, resisting the temptations to contact xAP, reading, overthinking the A, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, etc., etc.
You are very close to some breakthroughs. Keep staying the course. You are doing a remarkable job, UBM. I am very proud of you.
It is okay to give your brain a little vacation. Maybe you need one whole day where you don't think about the A, xAP, your future, EAS, or anything related. Maybe you need a spa day!! Or just a day of doing whatever you like to do. It is very important that you be kind to yourself through this healing process. Listen to your body and soul. Give
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UBM
So sorry to hear you are having a bad night.
Thank you, MC.
UBM :)
It's a wave and it will pass. Unfortunately your ocean seems to be full of them right now. Just think about how strong it's making you though. Take that bubble bath - I was in the process of emailing you :)
Bodhi
Every time I read your "name" I hurt inside. I hurt because those words are SO vulnerable - un-break-me. It sounds so pleading.
I hear you. I feel your hurt. Your confusion. Your fear. Your lostness.
I have felt what you are feeling. We ALL have felt what you are feeling.
It is as dark as dark gets.
AND THEN IT GETS LIGHT. And lighter and lighter, and then you can see yourself & love yourself and realize that ONLY you can piece you back together.
Only you can unbreak you.
Hun, you've got to.
Can we start with a change to your name? Think about HOW you want to define yourself ... what is your vision of where you want to be?
There is a lot to be afraid of - and I am sure you have read all there is about Ddays and the fears about what that would look like for you - in your life.
For me, one of the worst fears ... well, happens every night in my house. I am afraid. I feel vulnerable as a woman in my own home. I fall asleep listening to stuff on my laptop to try and drown out the normal creeks in a house. I NEVER felt so unsafe. Something as simple as the safety I felt with H in the house ... he steps downstairs, the tv, the security of knowing he would keep me safe. Poof. Gone.
There are a million and one things you can't ever imagine losing, that you NEVER even realized you had, until THEY ARE TOTALLY GONE. Right down to the primal need to feel safe.
TU.
UBM,
I'm so very sorry you are struggling.
gentle to yourself and let the feelings come out, I
have learnt that facing those feelings as they come is much better than pushing them away because they
only come back harder if I don't acknowledge to myself what I am feeling. Another big hug for you, you
will move forward have faith in the strenghth that you
have to become healthier for you:)
I told you before how much I related to your story....and so to do I hear myself in the voice of this post. I remember those feelings and could have written much of it word for word. Now here I stand, 6 months out, and starting a whole new life. Like you I am out of familiar faces. I moved cities, ended an A, and lost my W all in the last 6 months. But remember we are not islands. We are connected, and have shared your hurt. I am here to say hold onto that life raft if you are feeling weak, we will row for you!
"And I am sick of caring what he feels or thinks about me and sick of trying not to care."
I struggled with this for way to long! I know it is so hard to not know, and to wonder. But in the end it is only causing grief to think about. The rules of NC basically result in uncertainty.
And, I say it might be a tad bit ok that you don't recognize your life anymore... maybe even a good thing. After all it was something in that life that allowed you to act in such a deceiving and hurtful manor...not only to yourself, but to others. So maybe that is what you are not recognizing...the woman who finally said ENOUGH. But keep looking...you will learn to love her...and see her as we do.... A strong, determined, broken but fixin it, woman plowing forward. You have already come so far from those first few raw days that we read about. I know you know that you will never go back there.
I hope you awoke full of grace for the opportunity to live another day. Embrace it...and for damn sakes woman...change that MUSAK!!! :)
Sending much love, a warm hug, and lots of healing vibes your way.
Peace&light
Foggy
I hope you are feeling a little stronger this morning but of course, a lot stronger would be really great too. Each time we have a mini meltdown (and get through it without mishap), we are building up emotional immunity for the next wave that will come along. And they will come....this is a process as I am sure you have already figured out. Good thinking on leaving the alcohol in the bottle where it belongs. For me it was liquid evil. Not only did it make me stupid, but got me burned every time. I gave it up several years ago and in doing so my common sense and much needed clarity returned. I like this view of life much better than the distorted lenses I was peering through.
We are all here for you, honey. I am proud of you for coming to the board for support and (((Hugs)))
(((UBM)))
Sweetie, you are right on track in the healing process. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but maybe it will help to know that I think it's perfectly normal. I was between 4-5 weeks NC when I felt just like you do: mentally exhausted from thinking so much, analyzing, resisting the temptations to contact xAP, reading, overthinking the A, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, etc., etc.
You are very close to some breakthroughs. Keep staying the course. You are doing a remarkable job, UBM. I am very proud of you.
It is okay to give your brain a little vacation. Maybe you need one whole day where you don't think about the A, xAP, your future, EAS, or anything related. Maybe you need a spa day!! Or just a day of doing whatever you like to do. It is very important that you be kind to yourself through this healing process. Listen to your body and soul. Give
Pages