It just doesn't matter...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
It just doesn't matter...
4
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 3:26pm

Is my new mantra. I'm 22 days today (not sure why it's so important to count) and I know I still have a long way to go, but it's getting a little easier day by day. For those of you who don't know/remember me, I'm a MW who was in an A with a MM for 2 + years, both of us having children. I was living in a fantasy world, thinking that our love meant something, that one day he would choose to be with me, blah blah, same old story and situation as everyone else really. I tried to leave many, many times, only to go crawling back, or allow myself to get sucked in again. What changed this time? I think I just had enough hurt, enough guilt, shame and broken hopes, I was/am emotionally spent, and I knew deep in my heart and soul that it was a complete dead end, and just couldn't keep going. Time to move on.....

So, when thoughts of him come to mind, and they do often, I just tell myself that "it just doesn't matter". When I wonder if he misses me, if he's happy now in his marriage, if he has regrets..."it just doesn't matter". His life is HIS life, and it no longer has anything to do with me. I ended it, I walked away, and now it's my responsibility to pick up the pieces and live MY life!

My relationship with my H is and will be a work in progress for quite some time (he doesn't know about the A). When I find thoughts of needing to "rush" falling back in love with him, when I tell myself I just don't know if it will work out, when I find that I miss the passion & communication of the A and I'm not sure H and I can recapture all of that again, I tell myself that "it just doesn't matter". Right now, the only thing that matters is focusing my energy on ME, on my family, on the things that are important to me. I need to get over the A, clear my head, and recover before I can even begin to know how I feel about everything. So, I'm taking it slow, baby steps, and something is finally happening, I feel SO CALM and PEACEFUL for the first time in a long time, because I know and feel that I don't have to rush to have all the answers right now! The fog is slowly lifting, and I am slowly healing. I just wanted to share what is helping me get by, maybe it could give a little hope for someone who is on day one and struggling to stay afloat. It will get a little easier every day if you just breathe and give it time.  Thank you to everyone who continues to post and help others. I wouldn't be here doing NC if it weren't for you!

 

I'm doing this for me because it's the "right" thing to do.... NC since 1/14/14

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2013
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 4:55pm

Hi BK!

Looks like you and I are about at the same place.  I am 23 days out as of today.  Kind of funny I was thinking the same thing last night about why am I counting the days......LOL.  I am hoping that adding to the days will motivate me and push me further.

If you dont mind me asking,  I noticed at the bottom that is said NC as of 4/2012.  I am thinking  maybe you started the A back up again?  Not sure if you read my post but back in Sept I actually ended things myself and I am kicking myself now for ever going back into this.  I was so much stronger back then.  It is amazing what just a few months can do. Well that and rejection.  I want to be determined again and feel peace.  I have no desire (at this moment) to ever speak or see him again.  I just want to find me again.  Be happy and confident and love life.  I know this all takes time and maybe I should also work on having more patience.  Ha!

I need to figure out how to take it day by day again.  To just breathe and try and enjoy what is going on around me.  I live for the day I find joy again.  I know I will. 

PLEASE keep posting and keep us updated on you.  It helps so much to read other situations and know you are not alone. :)

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 9:46pm

A sense of calm and peace...omg, awesome isn't it.  That's what can happen when we finally accept what is and stop fighting to make it what it is not.  Such a relief and load off.  I'm really really happy for you.  I believe you are experiencing your Awakening...see H.L.

Did you try changing your name yet?  I know you were looking for directions how to...and I posted in how to Smile.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 8:04am
Wide awake - Yeah, that date was another attempt at ending, I've had several attempts that didn't take. I always held onto hope, fooling myself that this time I could handle it better, maybe he'd realize that we should be together, that I loved him and he loved me and that just had to make it all OK. I read that you are struggling with the rejection part of all of this, and I wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter who ends, it doesn't matter how or why, it was wrong, it was based on lies, not at all healthy or good for us! I'm going through rejection as well, even though I've ended, he let me go! Rather than dwell on the how could he, why wasn't what we had enough, I try to tell myself that it's all for the best in the end. We BOTH ended it, we're both choosing to let it go and move on, and the best thing I can do, for the both of us is just that, move on. It will take time, but we can and need to get past this. I know you can do this, I'm here if you'd like to pm, keep posting and let us know how you are doing, come here for help, guidance, keep reading! And yeah, let's keep counting the days, it does help give a sense of accomplishment :) Clarity- thank you for the advice on how to change my name, but I have some really great posts and pm's that help me move forward. Jeez, just reading my history on the A is enough to keep me grounded this time around. And honestly, the name just doesn't matter so much this time...

I'm doing this for me because it's the "right" thing to do.... NC since 1/14/14

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:48pm

I changed accts a few weeks after the ivillage switchover because the account I was working from became unresponsive.  And what I did is PM my friends from my new site.  Any old PMs that contain info I want are still there...in the old account...and I can switch over to it any time.   

Just sayin' ;)

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board