It may never be easy
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| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:34pm |
Quick re-cap- I've been gone recently, but struggled greatly through late summer & early fall, through Oct.. "emotional" affair. 7 yr relationship. ex-coworker, now works for my #2 customer. I really think I'm doing better w/ stuff at home. We both are.
So, I've been NC as much as possible. Would like to stay friends, but really don't think I'm ready for ever being close & good friends again. Would like to be on good terms though. Had a struggle w/ the Christmas parties when she was there, but was also proud of myself.
Well, she emails me the other day to invite me to a 40th BD party her sister is putting on for her. I never did meet the sister, but when we were very much attached, meeting the sister was always something I really wanted to do. XOW knew this. The sister & xOW are close, and I'd heard a lot of great things about her... Plus, I'd have other friends at the bd party.
Well, I thought about it, and just ignored the email/invite. (For cryin' out loud! The BD isn't for another 3 months!). I thought I was doing well, and still on NC... Okay. So she follows w/ another email, asking my advice on a professional certification in our field (which cert I think is bunk). So, I playfully respond that I think it is bunk, and joke that when I want to turn my wife on, I whisper the industry jargon in her ear...
(here, I was trying to do two things. I wanted to mention my wife in the conversation. I thought if I was goig to respond, it would be good to work the wife in there somehow, and even better to mention her intimately... Second, I was trying to be funny. OUr industry jargon is some of the most boring rot you've ever heard)... As it was, I probably shouldn't have done it.
She responds with one line, "I love it when you talk dirty"... Well, she was just joking back, but it affected me. Yipes.
I need to stay sharper on my NC, and more careful of how I respond.
In hindsight, my little "joke" seems stupid now.
NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC!!!!!

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RG, I've had a few of the same problems with GB (xMM).
All the same, I still have a very very strong fondness for xOM, and I don't know if I can ever get him out of my heart... but until then, I will have to put him low on my priority list and try very very hard to focus on my husband. I've been through a lot of soul-searching lately, asking myself why I strayed and what was missing from my marriage that made me do it. My best friend thinks it's very simple - that because my husband strayed first, I promptly reacted with a tit-for-tat thing, but I know it's much more complicated than that.
My husband strayed because his OW needed him, and I didn't. I'm a very private person, and fiercely independent, and I think the neediness of his OW made him feel wanted and strong. I'm trying to change and show my husband how much I really DO need him. It's been scary though, because my nature is such that I will stubbornly survive even without my husband. My emotional dependency on my xOM and my non-dependency on my husband has terrified me, and has made me re-question all my old values. I've been asking myself very damaging questions, and in the process of forcing myself to answer them, I've realised a lot of bad things about me... which doesn't do much for my self-esteem... it's like a nightmarish cycle.
I love my husband dearly, and I try to take care of his needs at home, and I pamper him, and give him massages and back rubs which he loves, plus I'm working on the sex part too, because I was a bit frigid in that area, but not any more haha! and he says he's very happy with me ... so on the surface we look like the perfect couple ... but I don't know how to NEED him.
As a husband, what do you think?
My affair was full-blown, all encompassing, emotional, romantic, deep friendship (I truly believed) but ultimately unsatisfying because as time went on (3 years) the relationship was shrinking instead of growing & developing like a real & healthy relationship. When I ended it almost a year ago, I knew the only way for me was complete NC.
No calls, no emails, no drive-bys, no visiting our old "haunts" -- nothing. When he wrote me or called me or tried to see me, I was cordial (like you'd be with your old aunty) but firm. No flirting. No conversation. No reminiscing (now that's a real danger zone). No contact. When he persisted, I threatened to call the police. That ended his attempts for good (I hope! it's more than 6 mos. and counting since his last attempt).
Anything less and you're still playing with fire. And a riverguy should know playing with fire is bad news.
Take care -- you're doing well. Just pick up your one-day chip again.
Buono passigato as the Italians say "Have a good journey"
Luv
Yeah. I'm rebuilding. My W is not aware at all how close we came to real disaster, and just what a bullet we've dodged. But I am like you. I'm trying to double up on focusing on her, and bringing flowers, etc. We have a "clashing libido" problem, too (and I've been to the CL board a few times... It's not as deep as this board is over here). I'm the higher-libido (HL) and she's the (LL) lower-libido partner. I wish she could work on it a little more like you say you are. She's a bit on the frigid side, too. I've always been the kind of guy to bring flowers, plan dates, pour bubble baths.. In loving, I always take care of her, too (not a wam-bam thank you mam kinda guy).
And I think part of why I went where I did wsa that my xOW was in a marriage w/ NONE of those things (forgotten birthdays & anniversaries, etc). I was where I felt my wife didn't appreciate my efforts & took them for granted. Still do, to an extent. we're working on it. She knows there's an issue.
But back to you...
Not knowing how to let go and let yourself need someone... Here's one of riverguy's corny metaphors that I come up with. Make two "okay" signs w/ your two hands (touching forefinger to thumb), making two circles.
That's you & your husband. Some will say that the key to a good marriage is taking those two circles, and making one circle (now, touch your two forefingers together, and your two thumbs, to make a one big circle). This is only true in the beginning. Two do need to become one.
The true test is takng that one big circle, and allowing yourselves to be two individuals (now, take that big circle you just made, and go back to the two "okay" signs, but link them like a chain). Allow yoursleves to be one, in unity like the chain, but also independent like the first two circles were.
Does this make sense?
I've been in therapy (have a really good one, too!).. and it sounds like you may be too. Maybe not... but you're asking yourself questions. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't let these questions make you feel bad about yourself, but ask what you can borrow from the traits you feel you're up against, and lend them to yourself to be stronger & better. Does that make sense?
Good luck, wasnotthinking!
I bet your husband is feeling like a lucky man these days!
That is something that..as confident as I have been (telling myself, "yeah.. I can do this.. piece of cake!"), I still have my slip ups & weak moments. I'm still learning.
NC!!!
Good to hear, RG!
The chitchat is like an open window for more. See where mine went? Not at all "xOWs fault" but mine, too! Chemistry is still there, and I don't need that. I need to keep "reality" in focus, and not fantasy.
It helps me to imagine her as "using me" for her own self-affirmation... I know that sounds harsh, but it is a way for me to cope & rationalize not responding or playing the game. Im a high-libido kinda guy.. if a woman tells me she loves it when I talk dirty, it has an affect on me!!! I don't need that away from home! If she wants male affirmations, she'll have to get that from dates, not me, anymore... Thing is, I've been a strong source of affirmation for her the past 7 yrs. I can't do that at my own expense anymore.
You're right about the party. I thought it was a bit much, too... especially so far off. And yet, it did "tip" my imagination in an unhealthy direction. I didn't answer. Then she emailed again, and I stupidly got clever & playful. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!
And I'm the one always preaching no contact.
I've got to keep it strictly business, all the time.
FWIW, I was proud of myself week before last. Through an intermediary, she invited me & the intermediary (also a buddy) out for drinks after work... I declined. I don't believe they ended up going out either, when I didn't.
At this stage, I thought it would be a lot easier. It is easier than it was back in Sept, for sure... but I still have my days. I doubt I'm very far ahead of you on the road, luvlife, if at all.
i give you points for inserting your wife into your response.
i, however, have to deduct those same points for inserting sexual overtones into your note.
but i guess, you too, have learned an important lesson about NC. it's the only way to heal. it sounds as if you were just trying to keep things light and funny. all very harmless...until it isn't. and where that line is...well, that's always a guessing game. a game, i've found not be worth playing. my boyfriend used to say "everythings under control...until it isn't." so true.
good luck to you, RG. i'm glad you recognize where you slipped. but at least you learned something in the process.
take care,
sambagita
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