It may never be easy
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:34pm |
Quick re-cap- I've been gone recently, but struggled greatly through late summer & early fall, through Oct.. "emotional" affair. 7 yr relationship. ex-coworker, now works for my #2 customer. I really think I'm doing better w/ stuff at home. We both are.
So, I've been NC as much as possible. Would like to stay friends, but really don't think I'm ready for ever being close & good friends again. Would like to be on good terms though. Had a struggle w/ the Christmas parties when she was there, but was also proud of myself.
Well, she emails me the other day to invite me to a 40th BD party her sister is putting on for her. I never did meet the sister, but when we were very much attached, meeting the sister was always something I really wanted to do. XOW knew this. The sister & xOW are close, and I'd heard a lot of great things about her... Plus, I'd have other friends at the bd party.
Well, I thought about it, and just ignored the email/invite. (For cryin' out loud! The BD isn't for another 3 months!). I thought I was doing well, and still on NC... Okay. So she follows w/ another email, asking my advice on a professional certification in our field (which cert I think is bunk). So, I playfully respond that I think it is bunk, and joke that when I want to turn my wife on, I whisper the industry jargon in her ear...
(here, I was trying to do two things. I wanted to mention my wife in the conversation. I thought if I was goig to respond, it would be good to work the wife in there somehow, and even better to mention her intimately... Second, I was trying to be funny. OUr industry jargon is some of the most boring rot you've ever heard)... As it was, I probably shouldn't have done it.
She responds with one line, "I love it when you talk dirty"... Well, she was just joking back, but it affected me. Yipes.
I need to stay sharper on my NC, and more careful of how I respond.
In hindsight, my little "joke" seems stupid now.
NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC!!!!!

Pages
This little incident... little though it was, really sent me for a spin! I surprised myself & thought I was further along. Just cracked the door open, and look what happened!
I should never have brought the sexual innuendo in... even w/ my wife's name attached to it. You're right.. points for MORE THAN offset by the points deducted!
Have a good weekend, kiddo!
(p.s.- I'd bet you were right w/ your constitutional debate!)
;o)
We are on about the same ending time frame. I can't remember does you W know about your A. If not do you ever plan on telling her? My H doesn't know (mine was only emotional also) and I think keeping it to myself is better than opening a huge can of worms.
No. She never knew, though she knows OF xOW. Just not the extent of my attachment & how deep my feelings began to run. She senses a territorial mild jealousy, though (ah. The radar of a woman!)
I do not plan on telling her, either. Not only is there nothing to gain, telling her would be hurtful and damaging. I'm moving on, so feel that telling her would be moving backwards.
mine was more than an emotional A...but i'd give the same advice.
i don't find a need to tell my boyfriend. b/c after much thinking...i realized that the A wasn't b/c something was lacking w/ my boyfriend. i've learned something a little scary about myself. i like attention; i like being the center of attention. and i see that i was so insecure about myself that i revelled in XMM's attention. but it goes deeper than that. i feel good when other men find me attractive. that's not such a good thing. i need to feel good about myself irrespective of whether i can make a man turn his head. so anyhow, need to work on my own self-esteem.
My xMM used to bring his wife into our conversations too...I suspected he did this to hide behind her when things got too intense between us. He also threw in the intimacy factor...I found out later he was trying (unsuccessfully) to get his wife pregnant the entire time we were tangled up. She told me, unwittingly, of course.
After that...I began to repair the cracks in my marriage. It has made a world of difference. My h and I had differing libidos too...but not anymore!
A dear friend tells me I will be thankful someday that I wasn't physical with this OMM. I fought it for several years. Flirting, innuendo, chatting as friends...somehow the lines get crossed and while you are aware it's happening, well, you just don't want it to stop, eh? It just feels so good, why should it be harmful? But of course you and and I and everyone else here knows it most certainly is! Yet, it defies logic to think that I should have some regrets about not going P, doesn't it? Silly.
I did learn one essential lesson though. I will never let someone else manipulate me and have that kind of power over me again. It's way too scary a place to be. I dodged a bullet alright, but sometimes I wonder if I did myself some psychic harm in the process.
"Yet, it defies logic to think that I should have some regrets about not going P, doesn't it? Silly.
I did learn one essential lesson though. I will never let someone else manipulate me and have that kind of power over me again. It's way too scary a place to be. I dodged a bullet alright, but sometimes I wonder if I did myself some psychic harm in the process."
I don't mind telling the board I'm in counselling, and am really getting a lot out of it. You're right... "dodged a bullet" is how I feel (which leads me to feel shamed, too). Know what, I have those same inexplicable regrest about no going P, but rationally, I'm glad we didn't.. and yet, emotionally, (fantasy world) jeeze. Gotta stay w/ reality, Yankee2.
I've got another post I'm going to make. Would be interested in your input. It follows this one's beginning...
Thanks for your thoughts. You hang in there & stay NC, okay?! (we're on about the same time line)...
It's difficult for me to read the posts where the OW or former OW contacts and entices the MM. Or the MM contacts and/or entices the OW even if it's in the form of a subtle joke. I think it's wonderful that you are trying to rebuild with your wife and want to end the affair with your co-worker. What bothers me is the betrayal of continuing to contact her. Not fighting the temtation enough to X her out of your life.
Btw, I am a former OW.
Yet, in my opinion you can't truly rebuild if you give the OW the time of day.
If my MM told me that he wanted to rebuild with his W, I would not have contacted him. I would have been very sad and would have cried and mourned the loss of our relationship, but I also would have been relieved at him getting off the fence. When I broke up with him, I thought he was going to remain married to her.
I just hope that you put the Birthday Party out of your mind, put her sister out of your mind. Put the sexual inuendo with OW out of your mind. Block the mail from coming in, and focus on the woman that you married.
I have been told that I sound hypocritical speaking for the BS being in the situation that I am. I can tell you however, that I AM thinking of myself. The thought of marrying again is scary for me. Especially under these circumstances and knowing how easily they continue and continue and continue and continue and continue and continue........and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on........(insert scissors here)......get my point? Good Luck
JMO
~Love
I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I have had NC now for months and, still, when I see xOW at work my heart stops. She takes my breath away. My M is better. We are both working on it. I tell people that it is better than it actually is ("act as if"). No luck, yet, on trying to get pregant. I tell my closest friends that intimacy is better and that I am okay that it is not hot and steamy (never was from the start). I am not sure if that is true. I am trying like crazy to make myself believe it. My W and I bickered terribly at a work party recently. I was terribly embarrassed. I am glad that OW was not there. I am sure that she heard about it, though. I did email her to ask a business question. She did not respond. I am sure that is best. I told myself that I really just "asking a question". Maybe I was truly trying to engage her in a conversation about anything. She returned everything that I ever gave her. At first, I thought it was childish,, but then I realized that all of those items had special sentimental and significant meaning. I found them under my desk one day. I do not know how long they had been there. I responded by putting a dirty, sweaty ballcap that she had given me in her mailbox - now that was childish. It was in the garbage can by the mailboxes the next day. Sounds like she is truly trying to discard all memories of me, as you suggested. After all, I was the one that left her.
Yamacraw
Pages