It might be time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
It might be time.
3
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:40am
If I could get my own head straight, maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal. Maybe I wouldn't think that it's time to end this thing. But for some reason, I spend more time feeling BAD about it than I spend feeling GOOD about it. And that has to be an important sign, right?

Anyway, here's the background. And btw, this post is really for my own benefit, so that I can get all of this out and hopefully forget about it. If you don't read the whole thing, I won't be offended. =) Onto the background.

I am a MW of five years, with my DH 8 years before that. We have a wonderful pre-school aged son, and we're both professionals. We have a great life together. But we were going through some tough times since my son was born; DH kind of checked out of our marriage for awhile. His time was taken up by recreational activities (biking, etc. I do not believe he was involved with anyone else, btw) and I was basically raising our son with DH on the periphery. Fast-forward to this past winter, when I went away for the weekend with some girlfriends (to another girlfriend's house out of state). Turns out that while I was gone, DH had an epiphany of some sort and realized what a jerk he'd been to me. Also turns out that on that weekend, I got involved with the H of one of my friends. Definitely NOT PLANNED and definitely the first time it had ever happened to me. I would have NEVER imagined myself doing something like that, but it just felt totally right to me.

So anyway, now DH and I are on this course to getting our M back on track. We're in MC, which makes me feel terrible because I can't be honest about everything. I'll never tell him about the A (which is still ongoing despite the fact that we see each other only 1-2x/month) for a variety of reasons......I have to protect my friends in all of this as well.

But these days I'm just feeling....I don't know. I know there's no future here and honestly, I don't want a future. But things are just not settling right with me at the moment. I thought I could do this...I really like MM and we are about to have amazing experiences together when we have the chance, but I can't help feeling like there's no way he could give me what I need in the long-term. I don't think an A is the answer to what I'm looking for.

So there you have it. I'm in the midst of conflicting emotions, wondering whether or not I should end it, afraid that if I do, things will be weird between MM and I (he's married to my friend, remember, so we do see each other) or -- worse yet -- I'll regret it. But I'd also seriously regret anyone finding out about us. I really don't know what to do at the moment. ~sigh~

KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:15pm
I completely understand what you are feeling. I recently (very recently) ended A with MM. We both knew we didn't have a future together, and there were no strings. I, like you, was having trouble with my M and DH didn't seem to want to make any effort to improve things. I was lonely and desparate for attention. Well, I got, along with a lot of headaches and heartaches. I kept telling myself it was just a casual fling and we were just having a little fun. MM was there to make me feel good about myself. In the end, the opposite happened. We had been together nearly 2-1/2 years seeing each other 3 to 4 times a month. In the beginning, I thought it was great. It was exciting. Towards the end it just seemed like work. We were constantly looking over our shoulders, waiting for the shoe to drop. I was fighting more with my DH. And even though I still enjoyed the attention I was getting from MM, I would get this empty feeling afterwards. I'm sure it was guilt, but it was also about MM. My heart was finally hearing what my head was saying. It was just casual, no strings...he didn't love me. I was letting him use me. I had become this weak person and I was losing control. I wasn't the strong independant person he told me he was interested in. I became jealous of conversations between MM and his wife that I would over hear. I found myself having feelings for him that I knew he didn't share for me, at least he never told me.

I recently "celebrated" my 7 year anniversary with DH. It finally hit me that of that 7 years, I had been lying to him for over a third of the time. That's when I found this message board and read about being "lonely in limbo land". In fact I read it several times. I knew what I had to do. I think MM knew something was wrong too. I had just been with him the day before, and I could hardly look at him. Before he left he asked what was wrong and I couldn't even find the words. I just knew I didn't like the empty feeling I had.

My husband and I don't have the best relationship. He's not romantic...AT ALL. He never compliments me. He doesn't initiate sex very often. But, if I'm ever going to be happy with him, we have to work on it together. I can't be distracted by someone else. I need to focus all of my energy and thoughts on my DH. I need to accept his faults, and admit I have a few of my own. I need to stop waiting for him to iniate anything. I need to have an affair full of excitement...but with my husband.

My recommendation: read about the limbo land. It just might help you make the decision you need. Good luck and keep posting here. It has helped me these past two weeks.

~overhim2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 1:21pm
You wrote: "I'm in the midst of conflicting emotions, wondering whether or not I should end it, afraid that if I do, things will be weird between MM and I (he's married to my friend, remember, so we do see each other) or -- worse yet -- I'll regret it. But I'd also seriously regret anyone finding out about us. I really don't know what to do at the moment."

That's the problem, isn't it? You are in a no-win situation. Look ahead to the future. Do you think this can continue the way it is for the rest of your lives? Doubtful. And trust me, there is NO painless way for an A to end. Either you will get found out; or you will choose to end your marriages & be together, thus hurting a ton of people you care about; or you will voluntarily have to end it, and you will go through a world of hurt. My advice to you is -- take control of your own life and end it now. Go through the inevitable pain of the healing process; at least it will be on YOUR terms, with a minimal amount of damage to your loved ones. Do it for yourself, your child, your DH, and your friend. It is a hard process, but ultimately SO worth it!

I am almost 8 months affair-free, and it has been a tough road -- but I have finally found the person I was before I started this whole thing! And life is so much better!!! Trust me, you can do it too!!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:49pm
Ditto Ditto Ditto.

It is next to impossible to fix your marriage while your cheating on your family.