It must be in the air.. Newbie trouble. :(
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It must be in the air.. Newbie trouble. :(
| Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:53pm |
Week 6 is here and I can honestly say it's not much better than week 5. The last few days I've been bombarded with triggers that bring him right up front over and over again! It's uncanny! This whole time a have known that breaking NC would not only hurt me, make me look pathetic etc.. But it would be taking a final gift I gave to him. But then I'm like screw that what he ever do for me?!?!? Mire than ever I'm "white knuckling it", as someone said in another post.

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it's late over here and I can not write much as I have to get some rest, but in case your up and feeling lost, I wanted to say a few words.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi Chechi
If I didn't know you were in an affair, I'd swear you were an addict going through substance withdrawal ;).
"Kills me that he has not broken NC"
I was just wondering, if you had him completely blocked, how would you know he hadn't broken NC?
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Chechi-
I couldn't really block my XAP for the same reasons - his work had a hundred different phone lines as well.
I have learned a lot from Foggy on this subject. You said you were "hoping he would hunt you down" and that since he hasn't you "guess he's happy". I have read first hand the struggle and pain Foggy has gone through to maintain NC. He has actually shown his XAP how much love he felt for her by NOT contacting her and letting her move on with her life, making her choices. You have no idea what is going through your XAP's mind. He might be happy,
Chechi, I just want you to know that I can hear all the pain in your post and that my heart goes out to you. We all know how much it hurts...the little things that pop
"I have read first hand the struggle and pain Foggy has gone through to maintain NC. He has actually shown his XAP howmuch love he felt for her by NOT contacting her and letting her move on with her life, making her choices. You have no ideawhat is going through your XAP's mind. He might be happy, he might not be."
I completely concur. You are wasting valuable time and energy, not to mention demeaning yourself by thinking you were so disposable, but hey ... IT DOESN'T matter if he is happier without you or not.
Don't make assumptions. I NEVER initiated the breaking of NC - and NEVER EVER will and insulate myself from him getting through. His fishing hurts me - and yet I have never responded.Not to correct his distorted thinking, never to tell him to F-off ... silence.
But I have grieved, I have cried, I have missed him (past tense)... but if I ever ever cared about him, I needed to let him WITHDRAW from me too ... I was a "substance" just as destructive to his life, as he was to mine.
Letting him go was an act of kindness toward him and his family. It may have been too late, but it was what I can do NOW... every time I chose/choose NOT to contact him in a MOMENT of weakness, I was/am being loving and kind to myself, to my family and to his family.
It wasn't the easiest path, just the right one. I couldn't undo the affair, but I could eventually do the ending right.
Let go of those questions you can't get answers to and that really honestly don't matter to your healing path. It doesn't matter: if it was all a big fat lie, or the incredible "truth" ... in the end it doesn't change a thing.
Part of this journey is also coming to accept that it is okay to see our affairs/affair partner for what it was/they were ... I think some of us get scared that our xAPs are thinking about us and the affair the way we are working to understand them here (wrong, destructive, hurtful etc ...)- because that is scary and upsetting. So we resist acceptance of the nothingness of our affairs -
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