It is not hot and steamy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
It is not hot and steamy
7
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:36pm
Tell me. If the sexual relationship that you have with your spouse is never hot and steamy and never has been, would that be okay with you? I know that intimacy can ebb and flow in relationships, but shouldn't your spouse be the one that can still make you tingle all over? I ask this question because I never had that with my H. Since then, I have had some tell me that I was wrong to expect that. Now, I am starting to question myself. Can't there be a lot of chemistry still there between a husband and a wife, even years into a marriage?


Lostit


Edited 3/16/2004 11:41 am ET ET by lostlt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 6:36pm
Just bumping this up. If you read this, tell me what you think. Thanks.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 7:50pm
Hi lost. I'm a long time lurker and minimal poster, but here's my thoughts about that. I'm divorced as well and never had that kind of relationship with my ex either. I believe that you should expect to have that with your spouse, and I wasn't willing to live without it anymore. But, in my situation, the lack of passion was not the reason for the divorce, but a symptom of deeper issues. Without getting into the whole story, I had pretty much already made the decision to get a "D" by the time I met exMM, and the feelings that developed between us only strengthened my decision because I had actually forgotten that I could feel that way about someone. I may be delusional, but I will keep looking until I find that again. Just because some people are willing to settle for that kind of passionless, comfortable relationship, don't let them talk you out of your dreams/hopes. I don't know - ask me again in about 10 years, and if I'm still alone, I may change my tune!!

~hp
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 8:09pm
Thank you. This makes me feel a lot better. I could say ditto to your post. I, too had made up my mind to end my M when my A started. I, too had forgotten that I could feel those feelings for someone. I was not willing to live without it anymore either.

You know, we may feel differently in 10+ years. However, isn't that the point? We are still young and should want the passion during these years. In the last stages of life, we might be okay without it. But, God willing, we still have so many years left. It would be a shame for us to settle.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:11am
All I can say is that my marital relationship has never been hot nor steamy.....hence why I agreed to the affair.

Sorry, but I disagree with those that said you were wrong to expect it. IMO, if 2 people don't have the chemistry it takes to click....they should not marry. I wish I would have realized THIS before I said I do! Dumb me thought chemistry was something that would just happen and grow down the years of married life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:57am
lost, I wish I knew the answer myself! LOL! Personally, I don't expect my husband and I to have the same can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other tingle that we used to have when we were young and randy at the start of our courtship. But I do believe it is reasonable to expect a certain degree of sexual fulfilment after marriage. I think both partners have to work at pleasuring each other sexually, and that can be hard if you have long hours, children, ... or if you're in an affair...

I wish my husband would engage in more foreplay, but he doesn't, although he knows he should and he sometimes apologises for neglecting me in that way. I have stopped asking, instead I hint about it once in a while, in the nicest way possible.

I've become jaded, I now believe that the best orgasms are the ones I give myself.... but that doesn't change my opinion that it is perfectly alright to expect a reasonably good sex life from your spouse. Why do you ask?

My affair with my xOM made me realise that I too had sexual needs, and I loved the way he awakened me sexually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:14am
Me too. I thought that it would get better with time.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:26am
I was asking because I had the same experience in my marriage. While I don't expect to maintain the same fire that you have early in a relationship, I do expect there to continue to be desire and passion. My husband changed so much after our honeymoom. Foreplay ended right after that. I used to try to talk to him about it and engage him sexually. It always ended up leaving me feeling like there was something wrong with me or I was no longer attractive to him. I never got any answers. It was really harmful to my self esteem. You know, we always hear how men want sex all of time. If they don't want it with you, then it makes you feel like it is your fault. My xMM swore (as most do) that there was no passion in his marriage and had never been. In the end, he decided to live with that. He would rather live with that than live without his daughter.

Lostit