It only took 11 months......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
It only took 11 months......
9
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 12:04am

for me to delete the 5,000 plus emails I had from Xap. 

I had told myself, and others, that I was keeping them just in case I needed them. You know, in case he had a D-day and his W contacted me.

Well I didn't need them and I don't need them. So tonight I deleted ALL of them. They are all gone. The last "ties" I had to him are cut. 

I hope no one else is holding onto emails, photos, texts or anything else...they mean NOTHING. Let them go!! I wish I had hit delete 11 months ago.

~~Noway~~

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 1:27am
Norway, well done on taking that final step. I had a friend bring the journal I wrote during the A, over yesterday. She was worried if something happened to her, someone would find it and she didn't want anyone else reading it. I had asked her to hold onto it for me as I wasn't ready to throw it away back when I ended it but didn't want my H to find it when we wre trying to rebuild. So after she left I started reading through it and I felt sick. I couldn't believe how selfish and inconsiderate I had been. A bit of it was about what I was doing to my family but a large part of it was about how I could be more laid back or more enticing or how my emotions would run my xap off if I didn't find a way to reign them in. I was disgusted with myself and was furious at myself for the audacity I showed in treating my H like he was dispensible and not worthy of being treated with respect and honesty. I feel angry at myself just writing this. That journal is now at the bottom of the bin and I have absolutely no regret at throwing away this last tie to the A.

Sorry to hijack your post but I really do agree with what you are saying. Holding onto stuff just serves to make you feel more blergh about how messed up we really were during the A.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 6:46am
Noway and RTMO - way to go, both of you!! Even after all this time I still have one email - the very first email where xAP announced his so-called feelings for me and invited me to have an A. I've been keeping it for the same reasons Noway mentioned, as "evidence" should he ever try to throw me under the bus. But really, what does it matter? He will say and do whatever he chooses to say and do, and I am not that person anymore. Might be time for some deleting of my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 8:42am

Wow!  Good for you.  That must have taken quite a while, too...5,000+

Are you are feeling about it?  I'm only asking because I've seen some go through yet another grieving process.

((higs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 8:49am

Mornin' RTMO

Just you talking about it even made my stomach do a flip flop or two.  Sometimes I find myself more frightened and upset about what could have happened...like someone happening upon that.  

I hope it's stuff wayyyyyy down in the bin, and even then...just in case when the bin is turned upside to empty into a bigger bin, it's not now laying there...right on top.  (((shudder))) at the thought.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 8:50am

And there's no time like right now...do it!  I am soooo pushy :smileyhappy:

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:45am
I read a few of the emails before I deleted....I felt sick to my stomach too. I can't believe the person I had become during that time and what I was willing to accept. I'm glad you tossed your journal!!
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:45am
Katniss,

It's time.....delete delete delete!!
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:54am
Clarity,

Luckily I was able to delete the entire folder and didn't have to delete each one individually...thank God!!!

Last night I was feeling a little sad but this morning I woke up feeling great! It's a new day.

After reading a few of the emails before deleting I really didn't like the person I had become...I'm glad she's gone!!

((HIGS))

~~Noway~~
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 11:42am
Noway, I am glad we both took the steps we knew we needed to :smileyhappy:
Katniss, I second the delete, delete, delete.
Clarity - I assure you, the journal is at the bottom of our outside bin inside a bag of rubbish - the trash is in the trash, well and truly. :smileyhappy:
The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.