it is over, a wayward girl comes home

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
it is over, a wayward girl comes home
13
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 7:48pm
i ended my affair today, and i am in agony. no familiar faces from my journey here last March. maybe those ladies shaped up and moved on. maybe some are where i am now. anyway, i am back. humbled and shaken, but back.
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:24pm
You are not alone. I too was here around last March for my closure and fell back into A. And here again hoping and trying to make it the last attempt.


It took so long until I decided to follow the "NC" rule. My stupid numerous tries to stay friends after breakups past few years only proved that it gave him an open door.



Good luck and stay strong. This board is my lifeline. It feels great that there are people that understand similar situations and will not be judgmental. I hope you find support and courage from here too.




M&M
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:26pm

lillie~

Hugs to you...ending an affair, and the pain that goes with it, is one of the most difficult things to have to go through. But you have definitely done the right thing by ending it - you obviously know enough about what you need to do, and one of those things is hitting this board with a vengeance and reading, reading and reading. Remind yourself of all the rules regarding NC - blocking and walking. Make sure all avenues for xAP to contact you are blocked (phone, email, IM etc). You know that's the only way you'll be able to begin healing from this. Go back and read some of the recent posts regarding coping strategies to remind yourself of what you need to do, and most of all, start believing in yourself - You CAN do this...you need to, for your own self respect and integrity.

If you feel like telling us your story, do so. I'm sure there will be others along to offer wonderful words of wisdom and support. I was in your position 4 weeks ago, and I can remember feeling that I just wanted to die - nothing mattered, I was in the blackest blackest hole imaginable. But with time, strength, and the wonderful support here on EAS, I have managed to get where I am today. And I'm finally feeling some hope that my life is not going to be as bad as I thought it would be without xAP in it. And I've gained so much clarity about the damage A's cause...to ourselves and to our families.

Hang in there my friend, today is the start of a 'new' you. Better. Stronger. Wiser.

Love and Hugs xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 11:25pm

thank you so very much, bestrong and meandmyself,
i know that this place will once again by my lifeline, and i am grateful to those who have taken the time out of a busy weekend to extend their hands to me. in time, i hope i will be able to post my story---just as i hope, in time, to be of encouragement to others enduring this nightmare. thank you again, ladies, for welcoming and encouraging me.
sincerely, lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 7:26am

Lillie,

Welcome back to EAS and kudos for ending your A. I can see you are already receiving support and that's what we are all here to do. I see you made it through the weekend and that's all we can ask of ourselves. One hour at a time, one day at a time. When you are ready, please share your story so others will get to know you better. We all want to see you strong and healthy again.

You can do this, honey. We will all be rooting for you.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:35pm

welcome (-:


I like to think a wayward girl went wandering,
and a woman came home.


The first weekend is so hard. For many of us, the weekend was always
the hardest as we could feel how marginal we really were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 5:04pm

Welcome.


Last March I was in the 'lovely' beginnings of my A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 6:19pm

iddy, j, and k,
thank you for posting to my thread. you were my salvation today.
every few hours i checked this site from work and could read posts though could not reply, and i can't express how grateful i am for your words of comfort and encouragement-they really carried me.

the day was absolutely hellish---i had forgotten how bad the physical withdrawal from an emotional addiction really is. Exhausted and sapped, but can't sleep. Guts writhing in knots. Golf-ball sized lump in the throat, tears at the ready. A black pit of longing, regret and despair at the center of it all. My body aches. My mind hurts. My soul feels lost right now. I am afraid that i'm not strong enough to endure this suffering.

It truly took every ounce of strength I had to put one foot in front of the other one and make it through my workday today--and i am embarrassed to say that some people noticed i was a little "off." i couldn't wait to come home and come here.

i came here yesterday and posted on another's thread about "what i did to make myself feel good today." i haven't been nearly so good today, BUT, something happened that made me feel there is a little spark of life in me, and that maybe there is a stronger, wiser woman in there somewhere waiting to emerge, if i can survive long enough to let her.

i laughed at myself today. in spite of all the pain and drama, and missing xap (that sob)--i had this moment of clarity. i said to myself, "You are upset, and hurt and even shocked because a married man who cheated on his spouse with you for two years LIED TO YOU??!!" i gave myself the mental equivalent of the B*tch-slap and cracked the first smile i had all day.

a small thing, i know, but something nonetheless.
lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 6:44pm

Gosh I know those bodily feelings all too well.

And you know what, that first week I looked like hell - I actually took a picture of myself on day 1 so that I can have a visual reminder of how bad I felt so that I can look at it to snap myself outta 'it' when I start to minimize the harm it caused me.

Now, a month later, I look fantastic - really. My secret? I have gone to the gym everyday - yup 28 consecutive days, and I have connected with every friend I every really loved in my life. I am not using food to soothe my emotions. I just went for a run and dinner with one of my best (married much older M) friends ever ... I had lost contact with him, and he reached out to me over the holidays and I finally got over myself long enough to commit to re-connecting with him. I forgot how healthy friendships with a male could feel like. Wow. It felt so good to let my guard down - to trust the boundaries, and well, to feel good about it all.

It has been far from easy. I have stumbled and crashed. But now, I jump up, take a survey of the landscape to figure out what I did wrong, and chart a new course.

I learn with each and every post here. I learn from the fresh hurts to never go back, and I learn from the vets what awaits me when I keep working.

J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 1:28am

>>i laughed at myself today. in spite of all the pain and drama, and missing xap (that sob)--i had this moment of clarity. i said to myself, "You are upset, and hurt and even shocked because a married man who cheated on his spouse with you for two years LIED TO YOU??!!" i gave myself the mental equivalent of the B*tch-slap and cracked the first smile i had all day.<<

I sooo know this feeling! Why was I surprised that he lied to me too? And me, I lied as well although not to him. Affairs are not conducive to having high moral standards. :) Yet, another surprise. lol

Welcome back Lillie, to the better late than never gang. I was lurking here last March as well and actually gave him up for Lent only to get back together after Easter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 10:04am

Hi Lilliealma and welcome back,


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