Is it really ever over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Is it really ever over?
8
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 4:59pm
I just have a question. Is it really ever over. I have read over and over on this site and others about an XAP trying to make contact again. This causes me to wonder if it is ever really over? Is it the men, is it the women, is it the connection? I don't know. How many have really ended the first time around. Do we get so far out from the feelings that we forget how crappy we felt when it ended the first time and just go right back in? I have only been in one and so far (5 weeks NC) have only ended it once. I just am baffled at the whole thing....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 8:27pm
Thank-you for your detailed answer, and I will read your story. I can appreciate the circumstances part. What boggles my mind is why go back. I am asking this because it appears more often than not it does not end with the first go round. I have read hundreds of posts here and on other sights and one thing that I am noticing is that for many people the NC makes them long for the partner more. I myself have no experience in round two (6 1/2 weeks NC)...but it seems to be more common than not to start the whole cycle again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 10:48pm

My exAP and I (wow I can say that term now 'exAP')

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:40am

Mayday - did you have a chance to go read more of my story at All Sides?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 10:03am

Is it really over?

One EA partner, two go arounds and if I hadn't really gotten out of the A fog, round three would've started up. Isn't that nuts?

Both times we ended were because xMM's W did it for us. The first go around, no one wanted it ended except the W so the feelings, the desire was desperately still there, so it was bound up to start up again. It was just a matter of logistics.

On the second go around xMM told me what I should say exactly and how he planned to get another phone, we'd find a way to be together, but something jolted inside and I thought what is the point, so I finally let it go. I started telling the truth, answering the painful questions and met with xMM's wife as she requested. I did it for two reasons....to give her the answers she wanted and she promised not to go to my H. I gave her a lot of info, enough to really make my life difficult if she would ever decide to tell my H. This was over 100 days ago, but she did email his personal work account last week to tell my H that (he knew about the first time which was just weeks into the EA) that her H was back to our place of work.

So, perhaps it is really never over unless YOU decide it is over. I think its a similar to a break-up in a true relationship. When my heart was stomped on and the other guy broke up with me, it took me a LOT longer to get over it. But, when I initiated the break-up and knew it was the right thing to do, it was really over. I'm sure (okay, almost married 25 years now, so dating banks slightly foggy) I still had feelings, but I was ready to let go.

In June, I was ready to let go of the A. Are there still feelings? Sure there are, and it will take time for them to ease out of my life. There are still thoughts of xMM, but not the good thoughts, NOT the happy times that one reflects on, but the remorse, the anger, the frustration, the I can't believe I had an affair with this guy and almost ruined my M and lost everything kind of thoughts. Those 'happy thoughts' I turned to in times when I needed an addictive fix are gone. That is how I know I am healing...

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:03pm

mmwill this question is to you. You stated:

By that I mean, and it really is conventional wisdom, if you find yourself so attracted to another person outside your marriage - and I mean a strong emotional bond, not a physical attraction (even though it obviously can start as just a physical attraction) - than you need to really identify and resolve whatever is wrong in your marriage that allowed you, or lead you, to go outside the marriage for this kind of connection to someone else, AND RESOLVE THAT FIRST! It really is the only proper way, period.

Did you resolve and identify what was lacking in your marriage in the first place? I read this board often but I never see this discussed (although I may have just missed that thread). In your case you were involved in your A on 3 separate occasions. It seems you would leave your spouse for your AP. Would you have if she had chosen to leave her marriage? I am single and was involved in an A. I have many of the same struggles that the other single women on this board have when it comes to NC/LC. However, I am perplexed by the married posters. There seems to be little talk of what was going on (wrong) in that marriage to begin with. When the A ends and you work on yourself to become more solid in yourself, does the marriage just seem better? By the way, I do agree that A's are NEVER the answer and any relationship should be ended properly before another begins. I am just curious as to what is going on inside these marriages where intense A's are taking place and what happens when the A ends (especially when there is no Dday or when the Dday is only one way and YOUR spouse never even knew the A occured).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:51pm

Good questions J9.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 11:08am
Hi..Yes, I have read your story. I have been reading story after story after story here and on other boards. The whole situation is very perplexing. What I have found is, that many times the people just are not over it the first time. Like you maybe for a while, but then something happens and BOOM round two, three, or however many. I read something that I thought was interesting. A woman compared her affair to giving birth. From what she shared, she didn't see her partner with any hate or anger, they just were two people who made bad choices. They ended it without a Dday and a year later bumped into each other and the chemistry was still there. She said it was like giving birth. When the affair ended the first time around she thought of the pain and then when she saw him later she felt the tingle..sort of like the feelings when holding a baby, we forget the hurt it took to have one. I agree that we can all choose for it to be done, but sometimes I think if it were that easy, we would not have done it to begin with. So for me, I am almost at 8 weeks NC and am hoping I won't need my guard up for the rest of my life, because right now it is an exercise in self discipline to NOT contact him, and two weeks ago I would not have dreamed of it. Hopefully with enough coffee, the urge will pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 3:46pm
My mw xap and i, Mm took over 3 years to finally end things. And that only happened because i moved 700 miles away. Im sure the start/stop torture would have continued. So if someone has the strength to walk away. Run!
"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---



Muddy Waters
"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters

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