It REALLY feels over....but is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
It REALLY feels over....but is it?
4
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:16pm
My MM (I'm single) and I started out at work as very good friends...eventually he admitted I was his soulmate. He said he never had any idea his marriage was truly empty until we met and he saw how you can have friendship/love/lust all together. Though we fooled around we never completed the act...it was a very emotional/affecionate relationship for almost 2 years. I KNOW he is my guy and I know I'm his girl, but he married young and they share 2 kids...the 9 year old from her previous relationship and a toddler they had together. He said there were some rough years and he wouldn't have a kid with her because something told him NO. But he said after losing his stepson to the real father that came in the picture he felt a loss and decided that he wanted to have a child of his own. They got pregnant and he LOVES his son more then anything but now is stuck between me not having me or not having his son full time. It's been hard but I kept pushing for a decision...I said I would stand behind him and love him as a friend IF he wanted to really give his marriage a try. I even gave him pointers on how to make HER feel happy/good...I believe if they can make it work it's best for the children involved.

So I asked him to talk to his wife...honestly. He did. NOW he did NOT tell her there was someone else but he said he was unhappy and they talked it over. He said she was shocked that he was thinking of leaving her. I find THAT very hard to believe because she knew there was someone else in the picture...there was no way she didn't. My perfume, his attitude and moods, etc.....if there's one thing I KNOW women KNOW when somethings fishy. So he called, crying and saying he was going back to try. He said it's been awhile since they've talked and that she's acting PERFECT. DOing everything the way he would like things to be...but he said deep inside he knows it's an act and eventually it will fade. He won't comletely close the door on me....He said he atleast feels he should give it his all and I agree.

BUT IT HURTS!!!!!!! I MISS HIM!!! DOING THE RIGHT THING HURTS!!!!!!!!!

Just had to get that out. The first 3 days I was on valium and Xanax....the next 3 days I couldn't eat, sleep, stop crying. Now it's going on 2weeks and I've lost 12 pounds. But I did go to the gym today and I have started eating healthy. It's going to be ALL ABOUT ME until he either shows up at my door wanting to spend his life with me or until I am helathy, over him and with someone that can be there for me.

My prayer is that he'll come back to me, available to me. But if it doesn't happen I pray that he and she and the kids live happily ever after.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:21pm
LLL~

Welcome...pull up a chair, join the crowd...I think there's an empty in the back...LOL.

Remember the saying "If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if not then it was never meant to be" (personally, I like the ending that if it doesn't come back, then you hunt it down and drag its a$$ back to you....LOL...I'm getting a little punchy right now...)

Seriously, the best thing you can do is to LET IT GO TOTALLY...that means NC, NC, NC. Its going to hurt and smart for a while. The reality is...he has a child with his wife and THEY need to make it WORK OUT, if they can. If it doesn't...don't let it be because of you....let it be because it was not good for THEM as a couple.

Oh, and the soulmate stuff.....bull, snap out of it. Think about it....what ARE the chances of the BILLIONS of people in the world that your SOULMATE is going to be a coworker who is already married???? If he was your soulmate, why didn't you meet when you were both ready and available to each other???? Understand, I say this not to hurt or to be harsh...because I have been there myself....but just to give a little dose of reality. We women have the tendency to fall into romantic thinking over and over again...perhaps too much Disney and Hallmark holidays. But I can tell you...if you hang onto to the thought that you are "soulmates" destined for each other...your pain will be never ending and amplified. Look at it this way...he came into your life to teach you a lesson...but the lesson is finished and its time to move one. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. With him being married and wanting to work on his marriage...I think its a reason. JMHO.

Big hugs

dharma

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:05pm
You are asking if it is truly over? Only if you truly make it that way. You want it to be all about you? Then give yourself that empowerment and stick to your guns about having nothing to do with him until he can become available to you.

And yes, I agree..doing the right thing feels like CRAP! I was on the xanax alot longer then you.

i made it through the rain...you can too. I think it is noble that you wish him and his family well. Now follow it through. Mean it. Good intentions don't mean crap.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 6:40pm
So sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment, unfortunatly though it is the same old story.

I'm not saying he doesn't love but like most men when it comes down to it they stay with the family but that's understandable because especially if there are children involved they have so much invested in the marriage and kids need both parents if that's possible.

I think often the ending of an affair is a wake up call for the Xmm and his wife and in many cases after the initial heartache it makes their marriages stronger not a nice thought for us but a fact.

You should feel proud of yourself you have done the right thing backing off, I know it doesn't feel like it but at least if he does come to you in the future you will know he really wants to be with you for all the right reasons



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:12pm

The downside of having a relationship with someone not fully available to you is that in the end there is a choice to be made and the majority of the time the choice is to stay with the known rather than step out into the unknown.


In time the hurt will