It's all over now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
It's all over now!
8
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:16pm

Hi everyone,
I haven't actually posted anything in awhile. I've just been engrossed in everyone elses drama for awhile. I thought I would share the most recent events in my little saga entitled "As The World Burns"
I broke NC with xOM last Friday. I opened up my yahoo messenger window and he was there almost instantly. I don't know why I did it, I had pretty much decided in my head I was never going to talk to him again, but I guess I had a weak moment. Anyways, we im'd back and forth for a bit and I started to ask him some questions I had had about him and me. I had all the normal self serving questions. I had to know if he had actually EVER had feelings for me, if by telling his buddies was he LAUGHING at me, and I also had to know if he would have ever wanted to talked to me or missed me during the past 2 months.
Yes, I was throwing my own self-pity attention whore party and he was the guest of honor!
So after we threw these tidbits back and forth, he did admit that he Had feelings for me, and also slapped me back in the face that he Had in fact tried to email me and I never responded and that I hadn't tried to talk to HIM either. So I then proceeded to make one of my usual great decisions to go and visit him for lunch. I think I was going to be the lunch/or vice versa! hee hee
So I went to his place, the awkwardness was too much to bear. We tried our hands at the normal chit-chat but that just seemed forced. We then moved onto the main course of fooling around, still awkward, and I actually got naked and ready to go down that road yet another time. Another day where I would feel like crap afterwards. Another night spent obsessing over what I did, what I am doing. The guilt. The loneliness.
But, something was different this time. I can't even explain it. Something inside of me has changed and grown. I realized that the thought of being with that crappy guy who had hurt me and let me pine away over him in my own little fantasy realm, just made me feel sick. So I think the look of disgust on my face was enough for him to realize it wasn't gonna happen then or ever again. And so I got dressed, I realised I made a huge fool out of myself, but we talked. I told him how I had felt about him, how he hurt me, how I didn't think I would ever stop thinking about him. But by then it had all kind of sunk into me. I didn't really care about him did I? I only cared about me! What I wanted, what my feelings were. Yes, he did some shady things to me, but in a way I let him do it. And vice versa. I caused hurt to him too. I am a player, a narcissist, and an attention whore as much as he is if not more. We ended it for real. He said we could still be friends, but I told him that was kind of dumb because we aren't really friends now! Cold but true!
So it was just better for it to be done. Yes, I got teary eyed when I left and ran out for a pack of marlboro lights, a six pack of beer and into the arms of my best girlfriend!
It's hard to realize that a period of my life is truly over. I am still kind of in shock that it is really over. But i actually am happy that it did officially end. That I didn't hide like I was going to. That I can truly move on with my life. I feel good. Thanks to whoever took the time to read this ridiculously long post and I also want to thank everyone that has shared here and helped me get to the point that I am at now. I know that all of you have really truly helped me become a stronger person. And I wish happinesss and continual self discovery to all cuz damn it feels good!

~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:47pm
Wow!! It seems like you are really going to move on and in a positive way. I know we have talked before. You were not alone on Friday night because I went to xom's place too. The only difference is I didn't leave. I didn't have the strength that you found. I am crying as I am writing this because I know I can't do this anymore. The guilt I feel when I look at my husband is unexplainable. Both these men don't deserve this. The feeling of leaving one house and coming back to my house is HORRIBLE. OM wants to be with me so bad. I feel so selfish for being so insensitive to both these men. I want to wish you well. I am happy you were able to move on. You must be so proud of yourself. I bet you learned tons from this experience. ((HUGS))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:20pm

Congrats sweetie on being strong enough to walk away!

It will get better, it will get easier, and you WILL come out a better person for it!!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:16pm

Nuttmeg-

Good on you...good for you!!!! Keep up those positive thoughts!

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:55pm

Awwww Meggie,

This is my kinda favourite read, ya know? Watching that fog lifting, feeling the last layers of the bubble slough off, that whole WTF am I DOING?! thang, well, to me it's a beautiful thing. It's a sign of growth. Your journey is really just beginning.

Sure wish we could run down to the nearest Starbucks or equivalent java-shop and slurp double expressos until we were jabbering like crazed lunatics and frothing at the mouth cuz this deserves a celebration!

So proud of ya I could just burst, Megs.

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:32am

Aw shucks Posie!

You just made my morning! I do feel like celebrating, and screaming from the rooftops (or if I was in your neck of the woods- a double decker bus) that "I'm Free at last" What a weight that has been lifted. Although I do suspect my full recovery/enlightenment has just begun.

Thank you so much for all of your tough love. You are my English equivalent to Dr. Phil!
Just keep telling it like it is sister!

Although we can't be together I'm sending you a big big hug from Ohio and i'm drinking a Chai Tea Latte and thinking of you!!!!

~big hugs and kisses
~meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:01pm

I suspect that you needed this talk with him, as well as the situation that followed afterwards, for you to fully let go. So don't feel foolish, for you, it was part of the process that led you to what your real feelings are.

It may also enlighten the rest of us who may at a weak moment, think sex with th X is a great idea for whatever reason. I have to admit, at times I've had those daytime fantasies of what a wild romp it would be with him after all this time of having no intimate contact (been about a year). The sex ended way before the actual A did. I imagined it to be the most amazing sex we'd ever have. But I then looked past the fantasy, and realized I'd end up feeling crappy afterwards, and no matter how earth shattering the sex would be, couldn't possibly make up for the self-loathing I'd feel afterwards.

Thanks for sharing your experience :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:08pm
Nutmeg,
The clarity and the closure!! I am so envious, but so happy for you. Doesn't it feel wonderful to purge, get your questions answered, and be smart enough to walk away? You truly know it is nothing you ever want to be involved with again. You finalized it, finished, and it is a done deal. I so want to move on, out of my fantasy, and into your world. I guess breaking NC would not be the ideal way in which to do so, given if my H found that I was seeing OM again, I'd be kicked out the door. That's the only thing that keeps me from doing so. I admire you---you are human, and maybe I can reach that point, as well. Keep up the good work!!
Trouble
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:47pm

Hi'ya nut (hee hee),
Isn't it a glorious thing to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are, good bad and the ugly? I know that may sound like a strange comment to a lot of peole, but like you I just recently became aware of the fact that all the hurt, pain, self pity etc. that I had blamed XOM for was mostly self inflicted.

It is such a great feeling of relief because like so many others here, I had convinced myself that XOM didn't really care about me or love me and I was constantly feeling used and rejected. I now realize that he did/does care to the fullest extent he possibly could but my expectations of him and the R were extremely unrealistic.

In my opinion, it takes a tremendous amount of strength, courage and humility to admit that you were all those things you accused XOM of being, and more. I'm proud of us to be able to do that (took long enough for me).

The getting naked thing and NOT having sex was pretty amazing. I'm glad you recognized how disgusted you would be with yourself later, even if it WAS in the 11th hour. Don't get down on yourself about that, be proud of yourself for not following through!

I know exactly how good you are feeling right now. I can't believe what a total mess I was just a few short months ago. I couldn't imagine that I'd be sitting here towards the end of Jan. feeling really really good about the A ending.

When I read about the pain the others are in my heart aches for them, especially the ones that ping pong back and forth and can't make the break for good. I also find myself getting a bit agitated over all the blame that is so often heaped upon the MM here. I know I was a blamer and a finger pointer myself not that long ago, so I know I have to be patient. Anyway, I'm rambling so I'm just going to end by saying "jolly good show" (like that one posie)?

Cow Girl Up!