its back, will it ever go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
its back, will it ever go away?
4
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:32am

HI Everyone,

Its been awhile since I posted, just trying to enjoy holidays and get back in the swing of things. To sum up my situation and recap, I married a guy who I was with for 9 years, we were young when we first started dating. A year after our marriage I had an affair and it lasted a couple of years. I feel for this guy BIG TIME, I wasn't attarcted to my H, I didnt look forward to seeing him and I felt things for the OM that I never felt before. During that time I did go back and forth between OM and H a million times, I didnt know what to do. I had doubts about the OM, like did eh really, really love me, whenever we would fightm he would split from me, we had a number of breakups and of course I would run to my H, number one I still had something for hiim, still felt he was the one I would have a life with even though I had an A and then the fact that this OM would leave a lot didnt help matters either. Anyway, my H and I did divorce and I thought the OM and i would br ok but we still fought, so it wasnt just my M that cuased problems. Well, its been 9 months since my A ended and he does call every now and then and i told him he cant do that, he woudl always leave, why back and forth all the time. Also, I have gotten back with my H, we didnt re-marry but he moved into my home and we live as a couple, we are.

Well....where am I Now??? I thinking of my OM again. I was very happy with my H, got along good, had tons of fun but all the feelings I had for him that I think I used to jutsify my actions when I started an A are back again and I am thinking og my OM. I am not married its fiffetn now, BUT this guy was my H, I have been with him now for like 14 years all together, he wants us to have a life again, we have the home, his family and friends have completely accepted me back into their lives an dhappy my H and I are back together so i Guess its not so simple. I am writing on this board becasue I already ended the A back then and I am not saying I want to be with my OM again I just need advice on what to do, how to stay away, how to make it work with my H/exH., how to get those bad thoughts out of my head. I love my H, we are best frineds, he knows everything about me, he loves me so much but yet I am not attracted to him and not just physically, that is where the OM comes in becasue all that attraction I had for him. Any advice, what do I dod, how do I get past this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:59pm

Daniella

I think first thing you need to do is see that you and OM will never work out your relationship is toxic and unstable at the very best, the fact that he runs away everytime you have a problem is not good and would only continue if you did get together and I bet when you fight he runs to the BED of another woman.

In my opinion you need to start br ENFORCING NO CONTACT ON OM, do not concern yourself about hat he thinks od does he is not your problem.

Getting rid of XOM completely will help you in TIME to access your relationship and feelings for your hubby more honestly and in a more balanced way.

If you choose to stay you may have to force your husband into MC and do individual counceling yourself to help sort out your feelings for your husband and were they are comeing from, an unbiased professional can help alot.

Good luck doing the healthy thing for you and your hubby.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:22pm

I read your post and felt like a ping pong ball.


Nowhere in your post do you mention seeing a counselor to sort out your avoidance and commitment issues.


Your last sentence asks "Any advice, what do I dod, how do I get past this?"


I suggest you see a counselor and STOP seeing/talking to OM. He's NOT your resuce ranger/knight in shining armor. He's a

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:01am
Thanks for the reply and yeah it is a ping pong game. I did seek help from a counselor, not a M one for myself and I talked about thsi very thing. She didnt really say anything, I dont exepct her to work miracles, but she listned but didnt say much so I stopped seeing her. I guess I should not have. Its not that I dont want committment I do, I just want it with the right person. I wouldnt have divorced ym H if I didnt think the OM was right, the right person but it never worked, we would go back and forth all the time. I know it would always be that way, he claims it would not but he has said that before. The problme is how do I see tha in my H, how do I feel that for him, my ex-H. Maybe I shoudl not have gone back with him but there is a reason I always so, there is a reason I see him as having a famnily with, etc. he is my best frined, we get along so well, he loves mem, he forgave me for what i did , that says a lot. mayeb it just has to do with the attaction and that it is not there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:34am

That's what's been on my mind every day. I want to go back to my "normal" life with my H. I want to look at him and feel the things I used to. I want to feel like I could never think about being with another man.

But I just don't feel anything right now. It's so sad that my H can cry to me and I feel guilty, but I can't tell him that I love him so much and I will never speak to my MM again and I will give 110 percent to our M. I just don't feel that way right now.

I believe there's still a chance for us to get back what we had, but only if I let go of my MM. How can I do that when I am still sitting here dying inside b/c I haven't heard from him? I'm already thinking of how if I haven't heard from him in a cpl weeks I'm going to go to his house on his day off and ring the doorbell. Oh and of course then he is going to look so happy to see me and take me in his arms and say he's been dying without me and blah blah blah. -POP!- Fantasy bubble over. I would go home and this cycle would start all over again. I will NEVER get my feelings back for my H this way.

I'm sorry, I don't think this post is helping you at all. I just wanted to say I sort of know how you feel. Hang in there. Get up every morning and tell yourself this day will be better than yesterday. And do your best to make it better.

Hugs(())

Breathe