I'm sorry you are still struggling so much and it should be getting better by now. I am guessing the fact that your H keeps throwing it in your face doesn't help either, but this is a given from what I've read on the BS boards. Are the two of you in any sort of counseling?
We have to work very hard at disengaging our emotions from XAP. I see mine 5 days a week but after my A ended, I made sure to reinvest in my RL as much as I could. I wasn't out of the deepest part of the woods for almost two years, but I wasn't sad, or letting my mind go down memory lane. This is very dangerous and you have to do everything you can to reject those thoughts and think about something else.
Whenever something reminds you of him, imagine a big red STOP sign. Tell yourself that it's a waste of mental energy and you are not going to go there. You will have to make a conscious effort each time this happens to think of something completely non affair related. We can retrain our thinking but this is going to take work on your part.
I am sending you a big ((hug)). I am so sorry that you are hurting and feeling stuck in the hurt. I am beginning to realize that staying stuck in the hurt & missing is a choice. It really is a choice. I am working hard to understand why I tolerated such poor treatment (and I was treated relatively well), and how I could conspire with another human being to act in ways that were hurting so many people. I try and stay focused on just me and my life, and to on letting him go and lead his life. I don't want to have him in my life. Getting to this point has been so freeing - the point of realizing there is NOTHING that he could do that would mean I would ever ever accept him in my life. This all takes work and honest reflection. It means taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing your/my xAP for what they were ... broken human beings that lied and cheated on their wives during pregnancy with us. How shameful.
All this to say, it takes tremendous work and time. You're not alone in your struggles. It does sound like counseling is where you need to be - with your husband or without.
I am so sorry to hear that you are still in so much pain. I really think its because you and H arent moving forward as quickly as you hoped. I think MC for both and maybe IC for him, he needs emotional vindication yes, but not at the expense of your healing!
Memories drive me nuts too- Im dreading when I eventually go to the places we went to. But you need a mini-mantra. Maybe 3 things you can keep saying in your head when you see these 'bad memory' places. I say to myself 'I am beautiful, I am loved, I am living my dream'. Or 'this was always going to end'.
I hope that helps- replacing negative with positive thoughts AT THE TIME the neative thought comes in, is a very powerful form of therapy.
I like this Iggy. I am having problems with memories too. I live in a big city and x and I live in separate areas of town I used to never have any reason be over there but for two days in a row I have had to go there. Once to pick up my daughter and the other for a tennis match. Both occasions had me driving past his neighborhood. In four years I've had to do that once until now. Anyway, I have been a mess.there are reminders everywhere. I'm going to repeat.. It was always going to end. And I did the right thing for BOTH of us. Thanks!!
I am sorry you are still struggling. I havent post here in awhile. I am kinda the same boat, I am not as far out as you and my AP was Single but I thnk of him every day.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
>>Rebuilding is not about settling. Not for either one of you. It is not about doing the other a favor by hanging around. It is not about owing someone something and allowing them to hold the debt over you for eternity.<<
I'm sorry you are still struggling so much and it should be getting better by now. I am guessing the fact that your H keeps throwing it in your face doesn't help either, but this is a given from what I've read on the BS boards. Are the two of you in any sort of counseling?
We have to work very hard at disengaging our emotions from XAP. I see mine 5 days a week but after my A ended, I made sure to reinvest in my RL as much as I could. I wasn't out of the deepest part of the woods for almost two years, but I wasn't sad, or letting my mind go down memory lane. This is very dangerous and you have to do everything you can to reject those thoughts and think about something else.
Whenever something reminds you of him, imagine a big red STOP sign. Tell yourself that it's a waste of mental energy and you are not going to go there. You will have to make a conscious effort each time this happens to think of something completely non affair related. We can retrain our thinking but this is going to take work on your part.
<
AJC,
My heart is breaking for you right now because I know what you are going through.
I am sending you a big ((hug)). I am so sorry that you are hurting and feeling stuck in the hurt. I am beginning to realize that staying stuck in the hurt & missing is a choice. It really is a choice. I am working hard to understand why I tolerated such poor treatment (and I was treated relatively well), and how I could conspire with another human being to act in ways that were hurting so many people. I try and stay focused on just me and my life, and to on letting him go and lead his life. I don't want to have him in my life. Getting to this point has been so freeing - the point of realizing there is NOTHING that he could do that would mean I would ever ever accept him in my life. This all takes work and honest reflection. It means taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing your/my xAP for what they were ... broken human beings that lied and cheated on their wives during pregnancy with us. How shameful.
All this to say, it takes tremendous work and time. You're not alone in your struggles. It does sound like counseling is where you need to be - with your husband or without.
My best,
TU.
Hi AJ
I am so sorry to hear that you are still in so much pain. I really think its because you and H arent moving forward as quickly as you hoped. I think MC for both and maybe IC for him, he needs emotional vindication yes, but not at the expense of your healing!
Memories drive me nuts too- Im dreading when I eventually go to the places we went to. But you need a mini-mantra. Maybe 3 things you can keep saying in your head when you see these 'bad memory' places. I say to myself 'I am beautiful, I am loved, I am living my dream'. Or 'this was always going to end'.
I hope that helps- replacing negative with positive thoughts AT THE TIME the neative thought comes in, is a very powerful form of therapy.
Chechi
AJ-
I'm so sorry for your pain!
Good Morning,
I am sorry you are still struggling. I havent post here in awhile. I am kinda the same boat, I am not as far out as you and my AP was Single but I thnk of him every day.
Hi AJ,
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi AJ -
>>Rebuilding is not about settling. Not for either one of you. It is not about doing the other a favor by hanging around. It is not about owing someone something and allowing them to hold the debt over you for eternity.<<
Listen to E1 here!
Aw, you really are in a tough place - what with the DH and Dday and all.