It's been a while . . .
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| Mon, 09-06-2010 - 4:30pm |
Hi ladies,
I have posted here before in the past few years, but it's been a while. To make a long story short, I was involved in an A for about 2 years. I ended it, went NC, started healing and moving on, even dating a bit, and started to feel much better as the emotional roller coaster of the A began to die down.
Then the "unbelievable" happened and my xAP and his wife separated.
They went through marriage counseling, he moved out into his own apartment, started telling everyone he had confessed to being unfaithful and no longer wanted to make his marriage work--that it was over and had been for a long time.
Aaaannnddd I got stupid. And naive. And somehow I began to believe in the "happily ever after" fantasy that we could indeed have a real relationship. We started talking and texting, he was seeing a therapist and telling me about the things he was learning, making it sound like his marriage was over but he was learning so much about himself and what mistakes NOT to repeat . . . he and his W began separating their finances, working out custody arrangements . . . but still, divorce papers were never filed.
I probably don't need to tell you the rest of the story from here. But in case you are wondering, yes . . . in the end, he ended up telling me that he will, in fact, be moving back in with his wife to take care of "unfinished business." To see if there's "another chance" for his marriage. To make sure it wasn't just "his fault" that they broke up.
And I'm guessing that he's back by now, even as we speak, trying to woo his wife back and rebuild his marriage. And I am so angry . . . at him, yes, but more so at myself.
I know what these guys are like. I know that real, honest, loving relationships don't come out of affairs. I know that I should have had NOTHING to do with him until the divorce papers were sign, sealed and delivered--and even then, NOT, because to be honest, I would never have been able to trust him in reality.
But I let myself get all sucked up in the fantasy again :( I got weak, and I failed.
He recently told me that we need to go No Contact because he doesn't know how he's going to rebuild his marriage if he can't get over me. As if I didn't know that No Contact was the only option if he was going to re-engage in his marriage. Duh.
So I changed my phone number.
Since then, he's called my work phone (I don't have caller ID there and answered, but hung up when I heard his voice), emailed my work account (he knows that's a big no-no), and sent me emails from a few new email addresses he created because he knows, I'm sure, that I've blocked the email addresses of his that I did have.
I've deleted everything he's sent without reading it, and I know there's no way for him to get my new cell number--at least, I don't think there is.
But I'm here now again for strength and accountability--to stay the course of NC again, to be with people who know the crazy pull of this addiction, and who are struggling with the same feelings of anger, pain, loneliness and sadness.
I'm divorced, and I feel like this is it--this was my one last shot at love. I know in my head it's not true, but that's where my heart is right now, and I know some of you can relate with that.
Anyway, it's a bittersweet thing to be back on this board again--thankful for women like you who can understand and relate without judgment, but very sad and disappointed that I allowed myself to believe in the fantasy again. :(
-Juliette

Welcome back Juliette...I'm glad you decided to post your story.
Thanks for responding, GEP :)
I know from previous experience that the board is slow on holidays, so it was nice to hear from someone today :) I don't work any longer with my xAP, but that's how I met him--at work. He was my boss. Our A didn't really begin until after he left my workplace and moved 1700 miles away. Crazy, but I think that's how I was able to let myself go there . . . he separated from his wife (for job related reasons at that time) and I separated from my H (for marital reasons), and it was all too easy to pretend we were two single people falling in love from a distance.
Do you wanna know something truly crazy? This summer, as xAP and his W were separating, he confessed something to me that he had not told anyone else, ever--and I guarantee his W doesn't know this, nor will he ever tell her.
Before me, he told me that he had been unfaithful throughout his whole 10-year marriage . . . with at least SIXTEEN other women! And you know what else? He KINDA took responsibility, but largely blamed the other women ("They came on to me! They just put it out there for me!) and his W ("She wasn't giving it to me at home.")
I am so ashamed and so mortified that I ever allowed myself to get involved with this man, that I built a fantasy around him or that I became a woman I barely even recognized anymore. :(
That's the hardest part to come to grips with--who I became. The depths that I allowed myself to stoop to. And how I abandoned my integrity, my marriage, my faith--everything--for a "taste" of "happily ever after." With a serial cheater.
I have so much "figuring stuff out" to do before I ever have another relationship. I will NEVER let myself go down this road again. It's the most damaging, painful, difficult, devastating, humiliating experience I've ever had--and the sad thing is, I had a choice all along to NOT go there.
Never again.
by xxiced
I was just sitting here thinking about how ashamed I am.
Hi Juliette,
Welcome back!
Dear Juliette,
Welcome back to the board. I am so happy that GEP was here right away to offer you her words of wisdom and care.
I am sorry that you had to learn that very painful lesson - that there is a huge gap between what they say and what they do. I got sucked back in too back in the winter - when my xAP told his wife he was leaving her for me. This was after I went NC. I let him back in slowly, because we too were colleagues. Before I knew it, he was telling me he couldn't live without me and would leave his M. Well - soon after his planned DDay he started to be hesitant. I didn't wait around long enough for him to waffle. My life had been in limbo too long. I was sooooo done with him. I realized even if he was going to leave his wife, I didn't want him as a partner. I actually couldn't stand him. He represented the other half of the worst choices I had ever made. I wanted to be done. I wanted to live in reality. What a terribly unnecessary painful journey back to NC. I am haunted too by the what ifs ... but more along the line of: what if I had just never met up with him that one day? What if I had ended the madness that first week before my H knew? What if I had stuck to NC the first time? I am haunted by all those million little opportunities I had to make a different choice, but didn't. You sound strong and resolved and ready to get on with your life. I am happy that you found the courage to come back to the board and that you have shared you very valuable lesson with the members of this board. I think some people think if they leave their wives, they will just sail off into the sunset. So NOT so.
To address your comments GEP - I am so sorry to hear you hurting, but take heart, the insights you are having into your 'relationship' with your xAP will serve you so well. You are clearing away that fog and coming to see that there is no way that someone who treated you like he did could be a friend, never mind a best friend. I don't know about you, but I define friendship as more than being someone's dumping ground for all those dirty little secrets, and emotional baggage that they should be addressing with their partners or with a therapist. No matter what my needs were, he was so skilled at making everything about him, that before I knew it, I was back to comforting him. Poor poor him with his sexless wife who wouldn't give him BJs and stroke his ego every second of every day. He was like a bottomless pit of need that I couldn't come close to filling no matter how much of myself I gave away trying.
My best friends - well they are there for me. Like really there for me in a tangible way, not just an "I'll text you later to see how you are" kinda way. They grocery shopped for me when I had neither the strength nor the money to do so; they care(d) for my children when I couldn't stop crying; they held me when my world fell apart; they made themselves available to me 24/7. They anticipated my needs, and went to great lengths to help me help myself. They openly celebrate my successes, they can be in my RL without fear or worry. They don't have to call and check in with their wives to feed them some lie about why they are running late. I am not made to feel like a burden, an afterthought, a temporary fix in an otherwise just fine life. I am not made to feel like a bandage on an oozing wound I didn't cause, or an outlet for all the other unresolved issues going on in their lives. I am not slated into appropriate time slots for contact. I don't have to feel sick when I send a text worrying that it wasn't "a good time". I don't have to wonder if/when I will hear back. I don't have to wonder if today is they day we will be "caught" and I won't hear from him again. I am not made to feel like I can't ever say the right thing, at the right time, I am not made to feel needy or "too much". I am not sucked dry or abandoned when I have needs. I am not silenced, minimized or denied. With my best friends, I am just right, just the way I am - in all my splendid humanness. I am loved by my best friends. Loved in a way that is sustainable, permanent, predictable, durable and life-sustaining.
How about you? When you really think about it... my xAP was many things, but in hindsight, we were not friends to one another. Friends don't diminish us until we aren't recognizable to even ourselves.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 9/6/2010 8:22 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Dear Juliette,
I'm sorry to hear that you got sucked back into the center of the A vortex. It's a difficult progression getting ourselves out of it again, but it sounds like Xmm gave you the final
~Iddy~
Thank you ladies, so much, for the kind welcome back :)
Yes, I intend to stick around the board . . . I have learned far too much in the past 3 years to keep it to myself, and I need the support of other women who know what it's like to experience these kinds of gut-wrenching feelings that come along with an A.
Thankfully, this time around I don't feel the anxiety and incredible lows that the initial period of "no contact" typically brings--but I have been there, and for those of you in the throws of that, I know how much it hurts :(
But the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you . . . fool me twice, shame on me," keeps running through my head and I do feel like a complete and utter fool :( In an A, even the first time around produces a fair amount of shame because none of us are innocent victims--we all enter willingly into a wrong and destructive choice, so we can't truly say we were "fooled." BUT, to go back a second time for more, regardless of whether he was separated or not--well, that produces its own special kind of shame, and it cuts me to the core. I have lots of healing and growing to do, and yes, I am 100 percent resolved and committed to keeping this man out of my life and cut off from any method of contacting me. He can create 100 different email addresses to get into my email account, and I will delete every message and block every address.
I can't really do without a cell phone, but if he somehow manages to get my new number, I'll change it again. This time, he will NOT get to me, and I will not cave. You all heard it here first. ;) I WILL get through this, I WILL become a better person and he will NOT rent any more space in my mind or my heart--I am beyond done with him and all the toxicity and destruction that my involvement with him has created.
So, I will be posting more and look forward to getting to know you all.
-Juliette
by xxiced