its in the beginning- can i be saved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
its in the beginning- can i be saved?
8
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 7:56pm

I have never respected an OW to a marriage. I always found it the lowest possible thing a woman could do if she had any self respect.

Now I find myself in this situation that I need to get out of, ASAP.

Briefly, there was flirting. He started it, then when I saw no ring, I encouraged it. We went out a couple of times and had a good connection-- great conversation, physical attraction, good laughs, etc. I thought it went well. Then things got physical really fast, but I didn't regret it too much because I have recently ended a relationship and am now on the rebound.

Then he tells me that he is married. He was all flustered and almost cried. He says that this is the first time he's strayed and that they've been married under 5 years. I was in complete shock. I tell him that we can't continue and lecture him on being selfish and that he needs to put this energy into his relationship and that lying makes him into a loser and all the things I'm supposed to say.. He gave me the whole sob story about his marriage and that he's not sure if he wants to be with her. I told him that this is not the way to figure it out, blah blah blad. I was straight with him.. Then we became physical again and I regret it completely.

Today, we met again for lunch and I told him the same things and that this has to stop. HHe became super emotional again and this time he broke into tears. He said that I am hurting him and that his heart is broken and then he gave me this gift that was actually really perfect...

I have no idea what is going on with myself or this situation. I don't want him to break up with his wife (and I know he won't anyway) and I'm not some hooker/mistress type. But I'm not strong enough to dissuade his advances. I do like him and I am lonely too and part of me doesn't want a real relationship anyway, so I am having a REALLY hard time putting logic before instincts.

He even told me that if this continued, he'd be jealous if I dated someone else. I laughed in his face and told him that hypocrisy is *not* happening.

I need advice on what to do. I also need to know if this is common for a MM to act like this. Do you think he is emotionally manipulating me or is he really that isolated that he's robbing the cradle with someone like me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:00pm

Jaid

He sounds like a PLAYER, way to smooth and manipulative for you to be his first game on the side.

Your being suckered plain and simple, YOUR HURTING HIM, WHAT A JOKE.

Dump him now and save yourself years of PAIN AND MANIPULATION.

TOTAL NO CONTACT, you owe this CHEATING MARRIED MAN NOTHING AT ALL, he's nothing a but manipulative lieing sneak and you know it so SAVE YOURSELF because he will show you no mercy.

Don't walk run away.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:50pm
Yeah, I thought that might have been the case. I was suspicious about the waterworks.. But we were like, in public during the day and people could see him. Why go through all that... I don't know.. He says its his first time and they've only been married 5 years. How much practice can he have?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:01pm

Jaid

Did he live with her before being married, some people live together 8 or 10 years, for all you know he may have cheated on her for years and did the same with any number of girlfriends before her.

Either way you slice it he sounds like trouble, and he seems to be handling you like a PRO, I think your being Conned.

You don't seem like the type to be a OW, ask anyone one here is is not worth it in the end.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:49pm

Jaid...Free is right.
I found out my ex is a serial cheater. (Why should i be any different? I am NOT special). That is the part that is killing me the most. He is off on another OW. Claiming to now finally be getting divorced. He works 100 miles south with her at a temporary location. He is planning things with her...after years of cheating on his young wife (married at 19 ..married for 10 years). He now admits to me that he has always had someone on the side. I stopped after i found out he was married. He leaned on me as a friend (hard). I am crushed to not only be dumped..but to hear glee in his voice with the new one...with KIDS...he used to say " you should have a baby". They go out public etc. (because of where they work...she lives down there). He isnt going to suffer his biggest fear of "being alone". (Ex Iraq Vet too...yet he is a coward...go figure). I was such a "good" person he made me his friend...told me lots of stuff so that he can feel better about himself i guess. I am devastated at the irony. Talk about a blow to the self esteem...i couldnt even keep him if i wanted to i got dumped!!!LOL...all very confusing and really screwing me up. I am lonlier than i ever have been in my whole life (no family at all anywhere and at my age very few single best friends. (new job is very isolating and i associate the job with him as i now work very close to him and we bonded during this upheaval in my life ..tis when i met him..right before). Ive always tried to figure out players before they played me and was pretty proud of what Ive turned down lol....

So its all very dramatic for me...and nothing for him. He is GLEEFUL. I dont want to hate him. That would go against my genuine feelings for him and i feel like i have to prove at least I WAS GENUINE. it doesnt mean a damn........thing. Its beyond him. ( I guess i wanted to be "different" (ha) and prove someone like me existed..wanted him to feel the awe I felt for him...through my boundaries to the wind while trying to be the right person (ha ha on me). I feel like an idiot and a lil like i was robbed for being the "right" person. I did the right thing. He should be divorced and on his own for 6 months. but nooooooooooooooo He is now gleeeeeeeefully happy with this new person..he took up with ..while secretly plotting to end my friendship and now two months he is saying he is getting divorced because his wife saw the bill with my text msg's on it. (He hasnt asked for the divorce yet...I am secretly hoping now he doesnt LOL hope he gets confused and screwed with by new OW).
I have to live with thinking (and knowing) she is some how better than I am. (he took his ring off before meeting her too). I got dumped by a serial cheater. I am trying so hard not to be afraid of any man i talk to now lol. This is some scary psychological stuff. I cannot (and honestly really do not) have feelings of revenge or hate because that would be too "typical" for me. I am still trying to prove something. That i did feel love...trying to prove it to myself. (still trying to figure myself out!)
It will be for nothing. I sicken myself and now he knows...how weak i am. He wins and I "win" because i like a martyr.."did the right thing". (big deal) In the end...I am the only one who is hurting badly. He is selfish and immature. Hopefully (and i hate to say this). He has a really hard time with the new g/f after the divorce. But she is probably just as shallow as he is...maybe why he is with her. (I'll never know anything about her or him). He is a mindf%#$ker so i cant believe anything said now because of his confession to me...i cannot believe the friend part was a lie to or can i??LOL

and he is also an enternal "optimist" happy go lucky guy. So i come off as too dramatic and weak. (sure its easier to leave than to be left). He won his game! Superficial always seems to "win". argh I am a feeler...and it makes it all the more difficult for me to grasp why this inequity in life is rewarded. Ignorance (and apparently superficial users) is bliss. argh I cry alone. He gets comforted and he doesnt care about how badly I am hurt. There is no sincere apology...He is in the fog of a new relationship. i am so screwed up right now. Ive had a lot of loss in my life, i cannot believe this compares to it...that fact even sickens me more. Learn from my stupid story. PLEASE if you are starting to have feelings...even "friendship" ..GET OUT NOW. Its crushing to know I am not so special as I thought i was. I am NOT. It HURTS. It was FOR NOTHING, the struggle even on what to do about your own morals etc. IT WAS FOR NOTHING.
gotta go throw up now,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 8:31am

<<>>>

Then why are you lowering yourself?????

RED FLAG ALERT!

1) He lied about about being married.

2) He's already buying you gifts to lure you in deeper.

3) He's telling you he'd be jealous if you date (Control freak behavior).

4) He is not listening to your concerns (Narcistic behavior, it's all about him.)

5) YES!! He is emotionally manipulating you so you'll be available at *HIS* becken call.

This man is a player....there is nothing wrong with his marriage. You need to *STOP* all communication immediatey before you get in so deep that you begin rationalizing all of his *RED FLAGS*, because eventually you will. You *ARE* in an affair and it will only become more painful, more addictive and more difficult to break away from.

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 10:39am

Jaideng:

Who cares what he thinks, feels, or what his motives are. You asked if you could be saved from this situation. The bottom line is this...He's married, you're against being involved with someone who's married, you don't want to be a mistress, yada, yada, yada. If all of this is true, then you need to end it...NOW. Or you will be a mistress, you will be manipulated, etc. You don't need this nonsense. Get out while you can.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:17am

Even if they were genuine, would it matter? You want to be saved, go read the messages on the Healing After Betrayal forum. Do you want to be the OW? Do you want to be a partner to inflicting that kind of pain on somebody? Don't do it. What comes around goes around. This misty-eyed dude is a loser. Don't just say it, believe it.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 6:34am

Hiya Jaideng,

<<>>

Few of us OW or exOW ever thought, "Hey, when I grow up I wanna be an Other Woman!" We actually have to work very hard at finding ways to make it okay in our own minds for us to permit ourselves to be used as the tool to cause grievous emotional pain to another woman and often some children, too, because kids are not exempt from the fallout from an affair.

<<>>

If the MM respected us, he wouldn't ask us to help him to hurt his wife and/or children. If we respected ourselves, we'd be offended if he asked.

<<>>

So get out of it, Jaideng. As an adult with free will, and in the absence of a loaded firearm at your temple, the ONLY thing preventing you from ending this situation is YOU. You choose to continue or you choose to end things. It is your choice.

<<>>

What is this, 3rd grade?! "Mommy, he STARTED it!" Really, is that the grade school logic you're using to perpetuate this? He can't very well do it alone now can he? By agreeing to continue it, you continue to assist him in turning the knife in his wife and children's backs. It's not detention you'll receive, but the certain knowledge that you assist him in the destruction of his wife and children's (if any) lives.

<<>>

Your mouth said "No way!" but your actions told him something quite different, Jaideng. Want to know what your actions told MM? Your actions told MM that it's perfectly okay for him to lie to you, that there are absolutely no consequences for doing so and that he should feel free to continue to lie to you as he sees fit. Here your actions told MM you're happy to come way behind his wife & family on his list of priorities so you'll eagerly scavenge whatever scraps MM's wife won't miss which may happen to fall from the nightly feast at the marital table. And here is where your actions told MM clearly that you are quite ready, willing & able to help MM twist the knife in the backs of his wife & children (if any).

<<>>

There's a gaping disparity of words and actions again, Jaideng. MM may be *saying* all the right words to help ease your conscience, but his *actions* are saying:- With a little emotional blackmail I can get Jaindeng to shift her integrity goal-posts to suit me...Oh, and Jaindeng's integrity can be bought for the price of the "perfect" present. YOUR actions tell him clearly it's okay to emotionally blackmail you, that your integrity has a price tag, and the goal-posts are his to command.

<<>>

I've just told you. It shouldn't be a mystery anymore.

<<>>

You're quite right, he won't leave his wife for someone so easily manipulated and who is obviously happy to accept zero respect from him.

<<>>

Your *words* may deny this, but what are your *actions* telling him, Jaideng?

<<>>

Sure you are, you simply choose not to reject his advances.

<<>>

You're saying you're lonely so you're willing to scavenge about in the dirt for whatever scraps his wife won't miss from the sumptuous banquet held at matrimonial table each night. Jaideng, you deserve your own feast with someone who respects & values YOU.

<<>>

It's more flattering to believe MM's words than to see what MM's far less-flattering actions are really telling you.

<<>>

Apart from the obvious control issue, here's what his words are really saying:- "I can dabble, but you can't. I can play russian roulette with STD's but if you give one to me and I pass it on to my wife, well, that's not an acceptable possibility since it'll ruin all my fun."

<<>>

Having read the above, what do you want to do? The choice is and always was yours, Jaideng.

<<>>

Yup.

<<>>

Yup.

<<>>

Life is seldom an either/or. Regardless of age, I suspect MM spotted someone ripe for the picking. And while you've certainly been plucked, you have also most certainly chosen to permit yourself to be plucked.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie