It's a blah day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
It's a blah day...
6
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 10:04am

So it's been 3 days since I last talked to him, and a day and a half since I sent the final email. It does still feel different this time - like I know this is it, but omg I'm struggling today!  He is all I can think about.  It feels so strange to not be able to go on my old email and just see if he messaged me, or if he's online looking for me.  I know it will get better as time goes by, but today is just awful Cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 10:21am
Hang in there Changeling - it's a lot of habits to unlearn, ones that are especially charged because of the emotional weight behind them. Just take it a few minutes at a time and find little things to do to keep you occupied - don't worry about the big picture for now. Come here and post when you need company! hugs to you, I know how hard it is but congrats on your progress this far! That "different" feeling this time is a positive sign. XO Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 10:37am

Thanks Daisy Smile  Just so hard today, and I feel like I can only concentrate for 10 minutes at a time right now!  And ugh, do I have a lot of work to do.  I can't even focus on my work!  I'm missing him a lot today, but I know if we were talking I would just end up mad and irritated at the situation.  Feels like a lot of lose-lose right now.  I know it will get better...oh how I wish the time would just pass faster!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 3:02pm

((((Changed))))

Hang in there sweetie, there are more blah days ahead but very soon it will feel a bit better. I promise you. I remember in my first week Daisy telling me when the urge to contact him is soo great to just try distracting yourself for 10 mins - thats all the time it takes for that overwhelming urge to pass and she was right! I clung to that notion the first two weeks. So when it becomes so difficult try that. And we know how much you are hurting hun you are not alone, we are here for you and you will get through this you really really will. I honestly thought I might die if I couldn't have contact with him, but I didn't and I am happy now. Very soon you will be more focused in RL with your family, I know right now you think you are going to feel like this forever, you wont. Trust in the process and trust in you. So proud of you for taking that final step. Take it hour by hour and post as often as you need to and read, read, read, that will really make you feel stronger.

 

Sending you Hugs and tissues to dry your tears

Sunny Soon Xxx

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 10:25pm

I'm sorry that you posted this 11 hours ago and I'm just seeing it now.

Old habits DO die hard, Changed.  It's going to take some time and distance to make new habits.  And you will have days with obsessive thoughts...it's normal.  But it usually means that you are living in the past; and as you see living in the past is messing up your present.  Now, I'm not sure what your obsessive thoughts are.  If they are thoughts of what you think you are missing, maybe you could write out a gratitude list to remind yourself about all you have today for which you can be grateful.

Maybe you can share some of thoughts so we can show you how to reframe them so you don't become stuck.  We are good at unsticking people :)

Using Affirmations to break the obsessive thinking cycle can really work, too.  And if you keep them short, so you can remember them, then they are always at the ready to use...and use them immediately when you start obsessing...to nip those thoughts in the bud before they make for a runaway brain, I like to call it.

Here's a link on positive affirmations and how they work.  And I'm going to try to find the thread in the H.L. on Positive Affirmations...a lot of people contributed to it...I'm sure you'll find one or two...or make up a few to suit you.  If I can't find it, I apologize.  The Healing Library has been destroyed pretty much.  I found that thread, floated it, but that is no guarantee it made it to the top.  Here's that link as well. http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/eas/affair-healing-library/affirmations

I'm glad you posted in for support, and I am really sorry this new system has made it difficult for most of the usual participants to get to you.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 9:32am

Thank you Sunny & Clarity...I know I need to trust the process, I know I can do this.  Just feels so miserable at times.  It feels so different too, maybe because now deep down I know I am ready to make a change for the good. 

Yesterday at work was really hard.  I think because the majority of my relationship with my xAP occurred while I was at work.  It's like breaking a habit.  I didnt even really want to contact him yesterday, just couldn't stop thinking about him and replaying all that had gone on this week and the week prior when he was away on business.  Now that I closed my old email, I can't go back to the constant checking to see if he's made contact, or see if he's on IM looking for me.  Even if I avoided his email/IM before, I could always see he was there looking for me.  Now I can't.  I do realize this is good, I just need to get through it, break the habit and refocus.  I ended up forcing myself to go get some lunch and then when I got back to the office I started on a project that needed to be wrapped up.  Sunny, I thought about your 10 minute distraction rule and that helped too.  Even f it was escaping to a website to read celebrity gossip!  The rest of my day was ok, and nights are easier when I am at home with my H and busy with stuff.

I didn't mention this before but the xAP and I have had long breaks....up to two full months of NC.  We never make it much longer.  Though I never felt like this before when I said we need to be done.  I hope that's a good sign, I really do!  It sucks feeling so depressed though.  Like horribly sad this time.  Ugh.

Thank you for the link to the affirmations Clarity, I am going to do more reading.  They system seems a little funky lately, though I don't have any history here to compare to anything....but very glad I am not getting an error 503 anymore.  I was unable to get in on and off the past two days but it seems better now.  Sp happy I found all of you for some support, I can't say that enough.  Thanks for taking the time to write me and encourge me too :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 10:11am

Morning Changed

I'm glad to see Sunny's advice helped.  It's the little changes here and there that begin to accummulate over time.  Sometimes, as you did, we have to force ourselves, at the beginning 'til new habits are formed.  Good for you for shutting down that email, too.  I'll bet that freed up a lot of time...from the constant checking.  And that only serves to keep you engaged and probably feel rejected when nothing's come through.

It's going to take time.  Be patient with yourself.  Do your best to stay in the present.  Someone here once wrote 'don't look backwards...you're not going that way".  Pretty good advice.

((hugs))

Clarity