It's Like Breaking a Drug Habit!
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It's Like Breaking a Drug Habit!
| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 10:42am |
I have been married for almost 10 years, in a very rollercoaster-ride marriage. Through all the ups and downs, my H and I still managed to have 4 kids, and just moved into our second house 6 months ago. I stayed with my H all this time because I truly loved him and believed we were meant to be together. He's the best friend I've ever had. I never thought anyone could turn my head from him. (He's also the best looking man I know and the best lover.) Well, about 4 months ago, I started up something with one of my married bosses at work. We started out chatting on the computer, then meeting up after work. After the first kisses, the emotions started coming from both sides, and we said the L-word after only 3 weeks! My M started souring, as did his, and then once we started IC, we were both in pretty deep. We were meeting up sometime during the day just about every day. IC only about once a week. He was getting to know my son, as we would go to his house and spend a lot of time there on his days off. Things were pretty good even though my M was failing. About a week after Halloween, he was told he is under investigation at work for fraternizing with an employee. We could both lose our jobs. He freaked out and cut off all physical C with me, leaving only the phone. Even though I talk to him every day and he always acts like things will pick up again if we get through this and it blows over, I can't help feeling rejected because he basically picked his job over me. He always told me he was more worried about getting caught at work then getting caught by his W, but it still kind of hurts. I miss him so much and I really think I need to just end this. I am not getting anything out of it that I went into it for, if anyone understands what I mean by that. I feel like I don't really love him, I just get an emotional "fix" when I'm with him. I have been sick to my stomach trying to start up the NC, cuz I know it's going to hurt and be hard. But with the holidays coming up (meaning he will be spending a lot of time with his W and family) I keep telling myself that this has become one-sided, and that I am dying over here while he is fine over there! I have to break away and regain some of my self-esteem, but all I can think about is how great I would feel if I could just be with him that "one more time." I swear, it's like breaking a drug habit. I know the more time that goes by, it will get easier, but relief from this longing seems so far away.

"I swear, it's like breaking a drug habit."
No truer words were spoken. :)
And inevitably you will have to go through the withdrawal at some point. The choice is yours as to when that happens.
You are in the company of others going through the same thing, pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of tea and *just breathe*. ;)
*hugs*
Someday
Thanks for your messages. Since I found this site yesterday, I have already begun to feel some relief. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this.
But I failed today- I went to my MM's house while his W was gone, and we loved like it had been forever ago. I felt really good while I was with him again (you know, that "just once more" thing). But then his brothers were coming over and I had to leave, blah, blah, blah, and I thought, I HATE this. This A is just hurting me now. As I got in my car to go home, it hit me hard for the first time- I don't think its love we're feeling anymore. It's actually turned from something emotional to something physical, and that makes me sad. I used to feel like I was important to him and he actually thought about a future for us, but I don't get that vibe from him anymore, especially after all the job crap. I think he's content to leave things the way they are (his W is clueless, my H is suspicious and the A has hurt my M) It makes me more determined than ever to end it, but I know I'm in for a lot of pain before I get past it. Luckily for me, I'm not scheduled to work with him for the next three weeks, so that should make it a lot easier to avoid C.
There is so much stuff swimming around in my head right now, I don't think I could get it all out if I tried. For now, I will keep reading these boards and hopefully gain enough strength to kick this habit. Thanks again!