You are amazing, strong, brave ... keep it going! You are leaving this behind in a position of power. You will not respond. You will not respond. It's incredible. I bet there are many of us here that wish(ed) we had the courage to send the 'last email'. To leave with that little piece of dignity. Don't sabotage you.
Let the pain come, welcome it ... live through it ... and live on. If you can stay the course, you will never feel this awful about this 'relationship' again! That's something to freak'in celebrate!
Jodi- Thank you for that encouragement...I seriously need it. I just went to have a shower so I had somewhere to cry. I look like hell, I don't know how my H doesn't know something is up... Everything I look at reminds me of him, and I well up with tears. I know this is the initial pain, and its the worst pain.... so I'll just get thru it. I'm so glad I have my baby girl right now to keep me focused on what I have to live for! SO MUCH really!! I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't here....
Iddy- As always, you're advice and encouragement is amazing. I DO want to hear what you had to say about feelign better in 2 weeks...I hope you're right. I hope I can feel better before that too! Just the thought of not being able to just say HI to him, feels like he has died to me...and I don't HATE my Xap, so him being 'dead', is tragic to me. I know this is how it has to happen for me to heal though. I guess I'm hoping (and tell me if I'm wrong to think this) that someday we can be just normal friends AFTER I've healed and got over all that happened between us. I may be naive again to think that's possible.... But I'm hoping. Maybe by that time, I won't even care to be friends with him, who knows?
You will get through this...it is going to be very tough but it can be done. I am on day 13 of true N/C and it is about a month since I said to my xAP exactly what you wrote to yours. I am here and alive :)
I think your xAP also knows that what you both shared was just so wrong. I am sure he could no longer live with himself doing what he was doing with you. It is not about love or not love it seems as if for him in the end
Energy- Its totally ok... I want to face those types of things (such as initials driving me crazy??? LOL) right away. The quicker I can not be effected by things like that, the quicker I'll be healthy. No, I have not erased the email address yet *blush* I know I need to.... baby steps. I can hardly handle what I've done already... Its gonna take time for me to do something of that magnitude I think. I have every single coresspondence that we ever had to each other on that email. Having it available to read and obsess over is not healthy, I know. I will get rid of it though, I know I have to!
So-sad- Do you think how I handled the email was ok? I thought about what you said when you told me to be short and sweet. I think I was? I still had so much more to say, but it would have got wordy and accusatory...so I just kept cutting it back. As always, your situation is really helping keep me moving forward right now. But its scary to me that even a year later, you're still on this board, and not 100% healed. I fear this for myself.... I can't be like this a year from now. I can't be like this a MONTH from now. I have never hurt so badly in my life.
I think you are right that my xap's guilt overwhelmed him. It did from day 1.... and i just persisted and pushed him to keep going with me. He did, though reluctantly, he still enjoyed it just as much as I did... but he would get slammed with the guilt aspect much harder then I did.
I also don't like this person I am now... the selfishness of my actions is nauseating.
I am doing exactly as you say- focusing on my dear little angel girl, and remembering why I have to do this. For her. For her Dad, and the good of this family. Time to put ME aside.... I had a years worth of putting me first.
I am feeling ok-ish right now. I had a friend over for supper tonight and we did a LOT of laughing with my H and another buddy of his. Good time. It reminded me that I used to be able to enjoy
I am over 3 weeks NC and can honestly say I do feel better....not sure if you know my story, let me know if you need to. I still hurt from time to time, but feel free, I think of him, but I stay NC, I cry on occasion, but I focus on me more. I feel better overall. the stress of an A is overwhelming and so consuming, you will miss certain things, but you will also realize what you do not miss at all.....stay string and hang in there.
Sienna- I don't know your full story but I want to know it... where is your story posted? I saw your post the other day about being back on track and find it very inspirational right now.
Thank you for those words.... its helping me cope just to get thru hour by hour. At this point...that's how I'm surviving. I don't feel like I can even look at weeks from now> I just need to survive tonight... I'm glad to know people like you are surging forward. It gives me hope!
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You are amazing, strong, brave ... keep it going! You are leaving this behind in a position of power. You will not respond. You will not respond. It's incredible. I bet there are many of us here that wish(ed) we had the courage to send the 'last email'. To leave with that little piece of dignity. Don't sabotage you.
Let the pain come, welcome it ... live through it ... and live on. If you can stay the course, you will never feel this awful about this 'relationship' again! That's something to freak'in celebrate!
My love and care go out to you,
j.
Why~
I know you are hurting right now because the finality is hitting you. Those emotional waves can be huge and
~Iddy~
Good for you why!
Jodi- Thank you for that encouragement...I seriously need it. I just went to have a shower so I had somewhere to cry. I look like hell, I don't know how my H doesn't know something is up... Everything I look at reminds me of him, and I well up with tears. I know this is the initial pain, and its the worst pain.... so I'll just get thru it. I'm so glad I have my baby girl right now to keep me focused on what I have to live for! SO MUCH really!! I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't here....
Iddy- As always, you're advice and encouragement is amazing. I DO want to hear what you had to say about feelign better in 2 weeks...I hope you're right. I hope I can feel better before that too! Just the thought of not being able to just say HI to him, feels like he has died to me...and I don't HATE my Xap, so him being 'dead', is tragic to me. I know this is how it has to happen for me to heal though. I guess I'm hoping (and tell me if I'm wrong to think this) that someday we can be just normal friends AFTER I've healed and got over all that happened between us. I may be naive again to think that's possible.... But I'm hoping. Maybe by that time, I won't even care to be friends with him, who knows?
H is coming...I'll write later.
Thanks Energy-Its going to be tough, I know.....but I had no idea THIS tough.
Aw man, sorry about the DT reference but while we are on the subject, did you stop that email account yet?
You will get through this...it is going to be very tough but it can be done. I am on day 13 of true N/C and it is about a month since I said to my xAP exactly what you wrote to yours. I am here and alive :)
I think your xAP also knows that what you both shared was just so wrong. I am sure he could no longer live with himself doing what he was doing with you. It is not about love or not love it seems as if for him in the end
Energy- Its totally ok... I want to face those types of things (such as initials driving me crazy??? LOL) right away. The quicker I can not be effected by things like that, the quicker I'll be healthy. No, I have not erased the email address yet *blush* I know I need to.... baby steps. I can hardly handle what I've done already... Its gonna take time for me to do something of that magnitude I think. I have every single coresspondence that we ever had to each other on that email. Having it available to read and obsess over is not healthy, I know. I will get rid of it though, I know I have to!
So-sad- Do you think how I handled the email was ok? I thought about what you said when you told me to be short and sweet. I think I was? I still had so much more to say, but it would have got wordy and accusatory...so I just kept cutting it back. As always, your situation is really helping keep me moving forward right now. But its scary to me that even a year later, you're still on this board, and not 100% healed. I fear this for myself.... I can't be like this a year from now. I can't be like this a MONTH from now. I have never hurt so badly in my life.
I think you are right that my xap's guilt overwhelmed him. It did from day 1.... and i just persisted and pushed him to keep going with me. He did, though reluctantly, he still enjoyed it just as much as I did... but he would get slammed with the guilt aspect much harder then I did.
I also don't like this person I am now... the selfishness of my actions is nauseating.
I am doing exactly as you say- focusing on my dear little angel girl, and remembering why I have to do this. For her. For her Dad, and the good of this family. Time to put ME aside.... I had a years worth of putting me first.
I am feeling ok-ish right now. I had a friend over for supper tonight and we did a LOT of laughing with my H and another buddy of his. Good time. It reminded me that I used to be able to enjoy
Sienna- I don't know your full story but I want to know it... where is your story posted? I saw your post the other day about being back on track and find it very inspirational right now.
Thank you for those words.... its helping me cope just to get thru hour by hour. At this point...that's how I'm surviving. I don't feel like I can even look at weeks from now> I just need to survive tonight... I'm glad to know people like you are surging forward. It gives me hope!
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