it's hard to do what's right

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
it's hard to do what's right
4
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:22pm
First time here....lots to confess to but not sure how to start and how to end. my affair with the OM started with friendship between me, OM, h and OMW. my h and I have had problems for years, the OM gave me attention, made me laugh, was all the things I wanted from my h. Long story short...we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This started 4 years ago. I could be here all night telling the twisted story and maybe I will a little at a time but suffice it to say that this relationship has been off and on this whole time.

I believe there's love between us but although his wife has left him, I refuse to leave my husband. He's lonely and has started a relationship with AW (ironic huh?) I am relieved and happy for him but I don't want to lose him completely and keep trying to draw him back into our relationship. A relationship that I don't really want anymore.

I need help!! How do I leave something that has been so much a part of my life, I want him to love me but I don't want him to love me!! There doesn't seem to be any middle ground. I just need some advice and a place to vent.

Grateful for any help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:00am
You know, One thing I have found is that almost every post here is the same. XMM says this, or does that. I think they all came from the same mold!!! I have been doing real good at NC with my XMM,(I haven't called in for a very long time) but he is always trying to keep the communication open between us. Says he will never give up. I don't want it anymore! I think it will stop in time. He may just finally quit, and realize that I mean what I say. Unlike so many times before.

I didn't want to lose XMM completely either, thought I would be easy to keep a friendship going, but I realized that I just couldn't do it. At all. I'd rather not hear of the things he did with his family and friends (both male & female) and NEVER was able to make that kind of time for me, the "woman he loved and couldn't live without in his life."

After 2+ years of an awful emotional roller coaster ride and my life in my little world turning upside down. I decided that I needed to live for me!! It's has been the hardest thing I have done in a long time. My friends have been awesome support, even my Mom. But I made a promise to myself that I'll get thru it. And I will. You just hang in there, and post here alot, cause this board had been a great help to me!

Take Care!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:40am
Wow, it is so strangely comforting to know that even though the details of our stories are different, we're all in such similar situations. Like you told me -- be strong!!! It *is* hard to do what's right, but you KNOW this affair is not right for any of you. Like you said, "I want him to love me but I don't want him to love me." That sounds a little bit like a pride issue. I'm like that -- I think the biggest reason I broke the no contact rule with my OM after so many months was that I wanted to know that he still thinks of me, still hurts about me like I hurt about him. WHY??? I don't know. If I genuinely loved him, which I believe I did/do, then I should love him enough to let him get on with life, and I should learn to love myself enough to do the same. Hang in there, we will all get through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:52pm
Thank you so much for your support! I have no other place to go. Noone knows what I'm doing. OM is my partner in crime...Thing is he is no longer is married and that changes the dynamics a lot. He tells me he loves me then takes it away. There is always a game to be played. I just have no place to vent, noone to cry to or scream at now that he has someone else.

I think I could let this go if I knew he would stay with this girl. I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop...the one that has him pick up the phone and call me. How do I know this? OM and OMW split up about 4 years ago, we were heavily involved, he was depressed, pitiful actually (I refused to leave my H). When she said the word, he ran back to her and completely dropped me. I thought it was done. Got over it, went on with my life (wasn't easy). Then he comes back....when I say yo-yo, I mean it. We have probably been back and forth 6/7 times over the past 4 years.

Oh well.......venting is my forte today. I am angry that I want to speak to him, be with him. Angry at him...More angry at myself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:12pm
Well, I'm in much the same place. I separated from my H two years ago although it wasn't REALLY a separation (we continued living together but that's a story for another board) and I very soon thereafter met OMM. We fell in love and spent tons of time together and really, really had a great thing going. There were some things about OMM that were less than ideal as a lifetime mate for me, but nonetheless, I did truly love him. So OMM starts the divorce proceedings and starts looking for a place for he and I to live together, or at least steel away for a few hours whenever we wanted. OMM wanted a commitment from me. For the last 6 months or so of our A I told him, and believed in my heart, that I really would be able to make a commitment some day. Unfortunately, as time continued to march on, that day never came. Eventually, this past January, H and I suddenly began to enjoy each other's company again. We've both been in therapy and recovery programs and working on our own issues - the ones that caused our marriage to end. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn't going to be able to end my marriage, even though I loved OMM so much. Once I realized that, I couldn't live with myself having both the H and the OMM trying so hard to be with me. Another huge guilt factor is that H makes lots of $$$$$ and I started to feel really badly about spending his $$$$ on myself when I wasn't "commited" to him on any level. Basically, I realized that I was draining the very best of what both of these guys had to offer without making a commitment to endure bad times with either of them. (I'm tempted to say here that I probably sound like the stereotypical guy who gets involved in an A) Eventually, I couldn't live with myself and knew that I had to honor whatever was inside of me that couldn't end this marriage, so I let the OMM go. He's bitter and heartbroken, etc., but there's nothing I can do. One of my friends tried to convince me that I did a loving and caring thing for OMM by letting him go, that it showed respect for his feelings. OMM does not see it that way at all, let me tell you. Nevertheless, what's done is done and I do truly feel better about myself.

And then an amazing thing happened. H broke up with his girlfriend and we've started going out on dates and communicating again and having fun. I see a world of change in him from the man I separated from 2 years ago. He heartfully undertook to get healthier by seeing a therapist once a week without fail. I admire his strong desire to "get better." It's all had such a positive effect on our relationship.

All I can say is that it's just over the top confusing, drama and chaos having two men in your life, and regardless how you THINK you feel about either one of them, you're probably more confused than you realize. It's impossible to be in 2 places at once.

So yes I can identify with you, and yes, its very hard to do what's right, but you will feel better and respect yourself more. Whenever I miss OMM I remember how I felt sneaking out to meet him, telling him I wanted to be with him forever even after I realized that it probably wasn't going to happen, charging $200 on H's credit cards on a new outfit for myself and wearing it out with OMM - insanity. Only I was completely blind to how crazy and wrong it all was while I was in it. Hang in there. Doing the right thing isn't all bad. Love and hugs!

mo 7-18-10