it's hard to do what's right
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it's hard to do what's right
| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:22pm |
First time here....lots to confess to but not sure how to start and how to end. my affair with the OM started with friendship between me, OM, h and OMW. my h and I have had problems for years, the OM gave me attention, made me laugh, was all the things I wanted from my h. Long story short...we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This started 4 years ago. I could be here all night telling the twisted story and maybe I will a little at a time but suffice it to say that this relationship has been off and on this whole time.
I believe there's love between us but although his wife has left him, I refuse to leave my husband. He's lonely and has started a relationship with AW (ironic huh?) I am relieved and happy for him but I don't want to lose him completely and keep trying to draw him back into our relationship. A relationship that I don't really want anymore.
I need help!! How do I leave something that has been so much a part of my life, I want him to love me but I don't want him to love me!! There doesn't seem to be any middle ground. I just need some advice and a place to vent.
Grateful for any help!!

I didn't want to lose XMM completely either, thought I would be easy to keep a friendship going, but I realized that I just couldn't do it. At all. I'd rather not hear of the things he did with his family and friends (both male & female) and NEVER was able to make that kind of time for me, the "woman he loved and couldn't live without in his life."
After 2+ years of an awful emotional roller coaster ride and my life in my little world turning upside down. I decided that I needed to live for me!! It's has been the hardest thing I have done in a long time. My friends have been awesome support, even my Mom. But I made a promise to myself that I'll get thru it. And I will. You just hang in there, and post here alot, cause this board had been a great help to me!
Take Care!!
TCOM
I think I could let this go if I knew he would stay with this girl. I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop...the one that has him pick up the phone and call me. How do I know this? OM and OMW split up about 4 years ago, we were heavily involved, he was depressed, pitiful actually (I refused to leave my H). When she said the word, he ran back to her and completely dropped me. I thought it was done. Got over it, went on with my life (wasn't easy). Then he comes back....when I say yo-yo, I mean it. We have probably been back and forth 6/7 times over the past 4 years.
Oh well.......venting is my forte today. I am angry that I want to speak to him, be with him. Angry at him...More angry at myself!
And then an amazing thing happened. H broke up with his girlfriend and we've started going out on dates and communicating again and having fun. I see a world of change in him from the man I separated from 2 years ago. He heartfully undertook to get healthier by seeing a therapist once a week without fail. I admire his strong desire to "get better." It's all had such a positive effect on our relationship.
All I can say is that it's just over the top confusing, drama and chaos having two men in your life, and regardless how you THINK you feel about either one of them, you're probably more confused than you realize. It's impossible to be in 2 places at once.
So yes I can identify with you, and yes, its very hard to do what's right, but you will feel better and respect yourself more. Whenever I miss OMM I remember how I felt sneaking out to meet him, telling him I wanted to be with him forever even after I realized that it probably wasn't going to happen, charging $200 on H's credit cards on a new outfit for myself and wearing it out with OMM - insanity. Only I was completely blind to how crazy and wrong it all was while I was in it. Hang in there. Doing the right thing isn't all bad. Love and hugs!