It's just a passing moment...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
It's just a passing moment...
3
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:04pm
I have been really good with the NC. Truthfully, we havent spoken on the phone in a while BUT we have continued to email. This is the first time that I am sticking with it with out giving in to my emotions of contacting him. so its 10 days today. And I have been fine. Up until today. What triggered it?? A really bad morning. A fight with my H, a really miserable day at work, a song, feeling the need to get the "OM Drug" to make me feel happy for a mere moment. But here is the ironic thing. I dont get that anymore when I do contact him cuz' what we had is no longer the same. So I hope to turn somewhere to feel happy and I cant find it. I am looking for some sort of release when I get this anxiety feeling which is coming on real strong right now. I know I have to ride it out and that is why I am posting my feelings and thoughts.

I keep telling myself. I know if I contact him that I look weak. I give in to my own weakness. It will accomplish nothing but make me look like a fool. I will feel miserable that I made the contact and what good have I brought about?? None!

So I am having a bad day! Big deal right? People have bad days, bad years all the time. Running away from my problems again and it makes me realize more and more that A's are really a form of escape from the real world and you know what sometimes it was nice to get out of the "Real World".

Ok...I am done venting and releasing some of that butterfly anxiety awful gross throw up type of feeling. NO CONTACT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:31pm
Hang tough, girlfriend! You're on the right track! If you fight through this urge this time without giving in, it will be all the easier next time the urge strikes!

When I am having a bad day, it helps me A LOT to focus on someone else other than myself; ie., do something nice for someone, a random act of kindness. Maybe try to find a "make-up" e-card to send to your hubby after your morning argument! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:14pm
Thanks Katie!!

Phew...that was a rough one!!! I actually went to my email and began typing in his email address...and then i thought what the hell am I doing????? So that's when I came here to vent. So weird, when I get that feeling I see absolutely no reason at all. All my logic goes right out the window. But this time was the first real time that I actually controlled it, stopped myself, went through the emotion, rode it out and now guess what?? I am OK. WOW!!!! I think I feel pretty proud of myself right about now! Anyway, saw your response and then decided to get off my butt and get some fresh air (oh and a cigarette too ;)

I read your other response about looking pathetic and you know what? I have been there and I am NOT doing it again! I will NOT CONTACT HIM AND I WILL NOT LOOK WEAK AND PATHETIC AGAIN!!!!!

I will continue to work on my own marriage and focus my energy on my family, my job, and some where in between try to get to the nuts and bolts of me! ugh!

How are you doing? You holding up ok?

big hugs and kisses!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:17pm
"feeling the need to get the "OM Drug" to make me feel happy for a mere moment"

That pretty much sums it up for me, dipss! My A was an escape from the real world, too. We all know we can't stay in fantasy land forever, but it sure feels good for the moment. I am beginning to realize that the longer I spend in fantasy land, the more I screw up the real world. It's an escape, yes! But when my feet touch the ground, and they always do, I realize that I have disrespected myself, my husband, distanced myself from family, friends, and H, and found myself wracked with uncertainty and guilt. I'm starting to see that although the real world isn't perfect, I make it much worse by hiding in the fog of fantasy land.

Sorry you're having a bad day...hang in there!

I'm here if you need me!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby