It's no longer about a broken heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
It's no longer about a broken heart...
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Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:09am

I'm clearly passed all the warm fuzzie feelings I held for XMM. I can't even muster up any good feelings for him at all. What this is about now, is the mess I've created within myself, the damage this (this=the specific situation that resulted in me breaking up with him) has done to my pride, the anger that I can't shake, the resentment that's eating me up alive. I'm bitter. It's becoming a ritual every morning to wake up and direct an "I hate you" at XMM's memory.

Then, there's this, which had me reeling....an email from XMM yesterday indicating that he has heard where I've been going ever since I stopped hanging out in our mutual social circle 5 months ago. It simply said "hmmm, Marcillo's huh?"... he obviously heard it this past weekend when he was out where I SHOULD have been. We have many mutual friends which I ran into at Marcillo's and knew somehow, it would make it back to him..and it did. I'm furious that no matter where I go and what I do, he seems to know about it. So I wrote back this "yeah, its a danceclub..and? You sort of made it impossible for me to go where I've been going the past 4 years..am I supposed to sit home?" In which he emailed back "calm down, it was only a question". No it wasn't. Would any of YOU would have thought this was "just" a question? I didn't reply back.

Everyone I know was out at my former stomping ground on Saturday night. Everyone but me. I'm not sure I'm going to be ok when it comes to this. I'm angry and it's getting worse instead of better. The anger has been making it possible for me to totally let go of him, so that's a good thing. But it's also consuming me. I've noticed (and my H has noticed too) that I am being very aggressive with people in general. If I get cut-off on the road, I've chased the person down..I told off a drunk in a bar because he was annoying me..things that aren't in my nature. I didn't think much of it, and then it began to dawn on me that this is all stemming from one area.

The biggest issue with me right now though, even more than my anger issue, is my damaged pride. For those that don't recall my story, I'll recap briefly. XMM pursued me and in a way that made me feel like I was extrordinarily special, which resulted in a nearly 3 year A. About halfway into the A, him and this other woman who was starting to hang out in our social circle, started showing interest in each other. I told him what I was seeing, and of course, he said I was making too much out of it. This went on for nearly 18 months..resulting in tons of arguements, and a few break-ups along the way. I had finally had enough of having to witness this mutual attraction between them and the flirting that went on right in front of me, all the time he's practically telling me I'm hallucinating. I had enough, and ended it for good about 7 months ago, but continued going to my usual nightclub acting as if I didn't care. Well I cared and I couldn't deal with it. So I haven't been back since.

So my pride is hurting pretty damn bad right now. I feel like I wasn't good enough, because all it took was a younger, prettier girl to cross his path and like a typical man, his ego skyrocketed and I am left here feeling like yesterdays news. He would have kept this going on as long as I would have permitted it. He maintains there was never anything between him and this girl, but he's referring to anything sexual or emotional...to me, if it was hurting ME, he should have made the effort to distance himself from her. He never did. He went from making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, to the ugliest...both outwardly and internally.

Instead of where I should have been Saturday night, me and H went out with other friends and I tried to enjoy myself, but was raging with anger inside over the way my life had taken such a turn around. Giving up the place and people I enjoyed over him, someone who now appears to not have been worth it.

I think it was Free that said, you end up leaving the A with less than you went into it with..and that is so true in my case. I've let go of him, of the A, of all the good feelings I held for him...but I'm drowning in self-pity, and anger and I want it to stop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:01pm

Pup

I for one believe you were where you belonged on a Sat night WITH YOUR HUSBAND, spouses deal with all of lifes troubles together and they need to be enjoying the good times together if they ever want there relationship to be a happy one, you need to balance life.

Be were bitterness it will take more from you then an Affair ever could.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:28pm

Hurtpup

If memory serves, there's a link around here somewhere covering the stages of grief. You don't get to skip any of the stages but you DO get to flip-flop back & forth between them until you're ready to head on into the acceptance stage.

Until you accept you were a co-conspirator rather than some kind of victim, until you understand he did nothing to you that you didn't allow, you're going to feel like this.

It DOES get better. It does stop hurting, you do quit being angry and you do lose the bitterness once you start seeing your own part in the affair a little more clearly. And that's when the real work begins... ;)

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:06am

I do accept my part in the A, I never said he pulled me into this A. Never have I made myself out to be the victim that was lured into this.

It's the anger and resentment over me having to give up a part of my life (i.e. my social circle and nightclub) that I had in my life BEFORE he came into it. THAT'S what I'm bitter about. He still gets to go. He still has everything intact as it was before me. But during the A I'm the one that made certain changes for the good of the relationship, and now after the A, I am STILL the one that is making the changes.

I want to go back. I miss all my other friends, but I don't want him there and more than that, I don't want to see that other girl there. So unless I can develop a thicker skin, I can't go. I'm not sure which is better, being SO angry like this because my life has changed so much, or going there and dealing with the aftermath of seeing them even speaking to each other. I am strong enough to let him go, but I just wish I was stronger when it came to this. This is the part that upsets me more than anything...having changed my social life because of this. I guess I deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:59am

Reasons aside, who was it who chose to give up going to certain nightclubs and social events? You still get to go if that's what you choose. Any changes you made before, during or even after the A are choices -you- have made.

I may be missing something, however, what exactly have you lost that you haven't given up of your own volition?

If you want to go back, go back! If you miss your friends but you don't wish to have XMM and his new OW in your face, then contact your friends and maybe arrange to meet elsewhere. If your friends aren't willing to change location for you, what kind of friends are they?

IOW, rather than dwelling on or resenting what you've chosen to give up, what's stopping you fromt considering this a wonderful opportunity to cultivate a NEW circle of friends? Why not seek out new experiences in different locations with new people?

Please note I didn't say a word about "deserving" anything whatsoever, you did. If you feel that way, then that's how you feel.

It's been said before and will doubtless be said again that even when our A goes undiscovered there are consequences for our actions. I'm some time out of my A. It just strikes me that we're always so surprised when those consequences affect more than just us or just the XOP or just that one aspect of our life.

Just my thoughts.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 8:26am

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I know, I realize they were my choices. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away with my tail between my legs (hence my name).

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An honest question here...should I? Maybe not now, but do you think it's possible that there may come a time that I am so indifferent towards him, that no matter what is presented in front of me, it won't matter anymore? I'd like to think maybe in time, I can go back. I honestly would like your opinion on if I'm kidding myself or not. IF I were to go back, I'm afraid it will appear to him that I am there to see him. I don't want to give him any thoughts that me returning has anything at all to with him, also, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me. He doesn't deserve to see me, is how I look at it.

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Not a possiblity because we know the owner of this club, and this is where they all go. There are times they do go elsewhere, but XMM and this girl are always part of the crowd.

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Actually, it's what I've been doing, and when there isn't something going on at the other place, I am actually quite happy going out and looking at it as a new opportunity like you said. It's only when I know everyone else is at that place that I get really upset. Especially having friends say "aren't you coming tonite, we miss you, everyone will be there"..that doesn't help.

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I know you didn't say it, it's what I tell myself when I'm feeling like this..this is what I brought on myself.

If you could put yourself into my situation for a moment (think back to when you were at this stage that I'm at now), what would you have done? I honestly am curious of how others would have delt with this same situation. Maybe I'm going about it wrong.

do with him.




Edited 3/22/2005 9:49 am ET ET by hurtpup
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:37am

Hey Hurtpup, one thing I think got lost in your post was how wrong/idiotic it is for him to be sending you messages about where you spent Saturday night. None of his business. I'd be further angry that he was like "stalking" you, keeping tabs on what you're doing. Who cares where you were and who you were with????

Anyhows, as far as abandoning your old stomping ground in favor of a new one, look at this as an excellent opportunity to be out with your DH away from the haunting memories of what went on while you partied at that old place. As long as you are there, hanging out with the same people in the same place, you're going to be reminded of the A. I personally think that going somewhere new and different with your DH is healthy and a good step toward healing.

The fact that XMM is there with his new OW is an excellent reason for you to stay away. You don't have to stay away, you could go there and subject yourself to the tension and angst you will undoubtedly feel if you see them together this soon after the end of your A. But why?????

Whenever I've needed to get over something or give something up, I've avoided the people, places and things that triggered memories of it. XMM and I had some favorite haunts - I'd never go there with DH. I'd never go there alone. It would bring up too much. Part of ending the A is ending a phase in your life (and I'm not referring to your A as a "phase," I'm just referring to the time period). Look on the upside, wherever you can find it. There are plenty of great things to do and places to go. Go find them and enjoy them with your DH.

Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:52am

Thanks mo, it's how I've looked at it too, for the past few months anyway. But somehow, lately it's been bugging me more. I'm getting itchy to go back. Maybe it's just because this last weekend at the club there were so many of my friends there and they were all encouraging us to go. But like you said, it definately is a trigger. I could go, I could basically have a decent time, but if I should see one thing there that rubs me the wrong way, I'll be left agonizing over it for some time after. It just wasn't worth it to me anymore.

We've all been calling this woman "his new OW", but she is getting married soon (not that it matters to some) but if I were to look at it realistically, I doubt there is anything really going on between them with the exception of the flirting and mutual attraction. But hey, that's where our A started too. I really think she's just his next ego-boost. She's about 10 years younger than me, and looks like a Victoria Secret model. I think that's why I'm so hurt everytime I see them hug or even talk to each other. If she looks like plain jane and she was flirting with him, I wouldn't care as much. It just looks like he eats up the attention, and maybe I shouldn't fault him for that, because we all love attention especially from attractive people, but it just is the most painful thing for me to watch. I always got my fair share of attention from other men there too, but he was always able to deal with it better than I can. So, that translates to me that he don't care as much as I do. He always said "yeah it bothers me, I just deal with it differently than you".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:03am

I'm not a subscriber so no fancy fonts & colors. You're text quoting, so I'll just continue that for easy reading. :)

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I'm trying to get this straight: You're aware it's your own choice to avoid the nightclub and social circle yet you're p1ssed at XMM for your decisions? See where I'm coming from here? You're angry at yourself, you just haven't realized it yet.

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Okay, so level with me here, and it's not an easy answer:- What is it you're REALLY running from?

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I can't answer that for you. I can offer some relevant questions though:- Why is it so important to go back? Why back rather than forward?

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IOW friends who only want to be friends if you can hang with them at a specific club. Where I come from we'd call those bar buddies or club chums rather than friends. I've discovered that "friends" can amuse themselves regardless of location and with or without benefit of alcohol or a VIP pass. I'm a classy lady but frankly if I can't belch freely in front of you, you're just an acquaintance.

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It's okay to outgrow your social circle. Find a new one. This requires positive action on your part to seek them out since social circles seldom come knocking on your door asking if you can come out to play.

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You're pretty p1ssed at XMM for your own choice not to go to a club. There are other clubs, there are other people. There's life outside of clubs, too. Maybe increase the new activities that you don't have time to be worrying about what `everyone else' is doing.

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If they missed you wouldn't they make more of an effort to see you on your terms? Unless I'm out of touch or sorely mistaken, I don't think aliens are abducting XMM's to order as yet otherwise most of us would be saving up for that, right? XMM accidentally boarding the next space shuttle with a one way ticket is also pretty unlikely no matter how much we might wish it. Returning to the real world and achievable possibilities, what WOULD help? How about filling the time with other activities? There is a whole world out there outside of a nightclub. I mean, just how cool would it be to say to these club chums when they phoned, "Sounds like fun! Pity I just can't seem to find time these days -Ooh! Did I mention I'm taking my scuba final tonight as H & I have booked a diving trip to the Great Barrier Reef?"

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Keeping it relevant to your situation, amongst other things I'd use my anger as a catalyst for more positive action much sooner than I did. I'd quit selling myself short by letting my social circle define me or determine my worth. I'd spend more time appreciating all that I -DO- have rather than missing what was never mine in the first place. I'd have made the phone calls and filled in the paperwork for therapy sooner.

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Welcome to the human race - tremendously flawed but with an enormous if often unrealized potential for addressing those flaws. ;)

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:11am

<<<<>>>>

And your not returning and telling him that "he" made it impossible for you to go to those clubs, tells him that you just can't handle seeing him and you're not over him. Which is worse?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:21am

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I'd do some soul searching and decide if I really want to remain married to my husband, and if I did, I'd get the hell out of the sophomoric bars and start building a real life, complete with new interests, and grow up. Seriously. Nothing lasting or of any value comes out of the bars. Once you're out of them the people still "going back" seem so juvenile and STUCK.

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