It's no longer about a broken heart...
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| Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:09am |
I'm clearly passed all the warm fuzzie feelings I held for XMM. I can't even muster up any good feelings for him at all. What this is about now, is the mess I've created within myself, the damage this (this=the specific situation that resulted in me breaking up with him) has done to my pride, the anger that I can't shake, the resentment that's eating me up alive. I'm bitter. It's becoming a ritual every morning to wake up and direct an "I hate you" at XMM's memory.
Then, there's this, which had me reeling....an email from XMM yesterday indicating that he has heard where I've been going ever since I stopped hanging out in our mutual social circle 5 months ago. It simply said "hmmm, Marcillo's huh?"... he obviously heard it this past weekend when he was out where I SHOULD have been. We have many mutual friends which I ran into at Marcillo's and knew somehow, it would make it back to him..and it did. I'm furious that no matter where I go and what I do, he seems to know about it. So I wrote back this "yeah, its a danceclub..and? You sort of made it impossible for me to go where I've been going the past 4 years..am I supposed to sit home?" In which he emailed back "calm down, it was only a question". No it wasn't. Would any of YOU would have thought this was "just" a question? I didn't reply back.
Everyone I know was out at my former stomping ground on Saturday night. Everyone but me. I'm not sure I'm going to be ok when it comes to this. I'm angry and it's getting worse instead of better. The anger has been making it possible for me to totally let go of him, so that's a good thing. But it's also consuming me. I've noticed (and my H has noticed too) that I am being very aggressive with people in general. If I get cut-off on the road, I've chased the person down..I told off a drunk in a bar because he was annoying me..things that aren't in my nature. I didn't think much of it, and then it began to dawn on me that this is all stemming from one area.
The biggest issue with me right now though, even more than my anger issue, is my damaged pride. For those that don't recall my story, I'll recap briefly. XMM pursued me and in a way that made me feel like I was extrordinarily special, which resulted in a nearly 3 year A. About halfway into the A, him and this other woman who was starting to hang out in our social circle, started showing interest in each other. I told him what I was seeing, and of course, he said I was making too much out of it. This went on for nearly 18 months..resulting in tons of arguements, and a few break-ups along the way. I had finally had enough of having to witness this mutual attraction between them and the flirting that went on right in front of me, all the time he's practically telling me I'm hallucinating. I had enough, and ended it for good about 7 months ago, but continued going to my usual nightclub acting as if I didn't care. Well I cared and I couldn't deal with it. So I haven't been back since.
So my pride is hurting pretty damn bad right now. I feel like I wasn't good enough, because all it took was a younger, prettier girl to cross his path and like a typical man, his ego skyrocketed and I am left here feeling like yesterdays news. He would have kept this going on as long as I would have permitted it. He maintains there was never anything between him and this girl, but he's referring to anything sexual or emotional...to me, if it was hurting ME, he should have made the effort to distance himself from her. He never did. He went from making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, to the ugliest...both outwardly and internally.
Instead of where I should have been Saturday night, me and H went out with other friends and I tried to enjoy myself, but was raging with anger inside over the way my life had taken such a turn around. Giving up the place and people I enjoyed over him, someone who now appears to not have been worth it.
I think it was Free that said, you end up leaving the A with less than you went into it with..and that is so true in my case. I've let go of him, of the A, of all the good feelings I held for him...but I'm drowning in self-pity, and anger and I want it to stop.

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You're right, I'm angry at myself that I cannot handle this situation more like he does. I'm angry at myself for letting him get the better of me. I feel that running from the circumstances at hand, shows weakness, and that kills me.
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I know this answer very, very well. I know exactly what I'm running from. I have a very low opinion of myself and my physical imperfections, and seeing this girl flaunting her perfect body in front the man I adored, makes me feel even worse about myself, especially after seeing how she effects him. So, as you can see in that answer, you also have your answer for the "why" I had not one, but two A's. It's about feeling validated as a sexy desirable woman. So that situation, takes all that away from me again. And before you say it, yes I know I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.
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Because I feel like I'm running away rather than being strong and dealing with it. It's like the only way I can move on is to turn my back on everything I've known for the past 4 years. It sucks.
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Thanks for the comic relief :) You're right again, they really aren't "friends" but rather people I just had a great time around.
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Working on it :) Even planning our first vacation in a long, long time. I really AM working on other outlets. I keep the thought that once I have a new place to go, with new acquantances, and I'm having a good time, it won't matter to me where I'm not, it will only matter where I am.
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It definately would be cool. And I guess, for some sick reason I'm sure, that him letting me know that he's aware of the place I've been going, sort of gives me this sense of satisfaction (once I got over the annoyance that he always knows where I am). Because at least it showed him I'm not sitting home doing nothing..I AM going out.
Thanks lefeen, for taking the time to give me more to think about.
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I'm not sure anymore :(
edited to add: It's not seeing "him" that bothers me. It's seeing him and her, and it's about him seeing me. I wanted to take me away from him. I told him once, if he and/or her don't go some night, let me know because I may want to go back and see some old faces.
Edited 3/22/2005 11:35 am ET ET by hurtpup
hurtpup,
like you my OM was also in the circle of friends. ive also distant myself from them because it hurts me when i see him.
my question is how did you rebuild with your husband?
i find that i am so hurt that i just want to be alone.
i dont find happiness with DH and i just pretend. but that does not work all the time.
i stay because of the kids.
how do you do it?
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