It's not getting better

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
It's not getting better
Sun, 07-08-2012 - 5:49am
I had an A with a colleague for 10 months we are both married. We got found out at the end of march though it didn't really end until beginning of May when he decided after much pushing from me that he chose his W & family and not me. A few days later my H discovered the full extent of our A. So that was over 2 months ago.

Since then my H phoned his XAPs W and she now knows. I work with XAP and we have had LC.

My problem is that although my H has forgiven me, we've been to MC, and XAP is only interested in trying to sort his life out at home I just can't seem to get over this or move on to any normal life. My H though a decent man, I just have no physical desire for him & unlike others I tend to be a slave to my feelings and cannot/will not pretend.

I have tried doing more things to take my mind off this, I have been on holiday, joined a walking club, doing more painting, trying to make sure I have as little time possible to dwell. I have tried to arrange to do things with H but they tend not to go too well, although we have been on a walk & went for a coffee without too much drama.

The problem is despite me knowing AP is no good for me I cannot stop feeling that I want to be with him. At the start LC has been broken or interrupted by him, we do at the moment need to be in contact re work, so he has in the past sent a work email, perhaps about something not working properly & then added at the end 'this is stressing me, fancy running away with me' or just 'I miss you etc' then I would start wondering, maybe he's changed his mind, is he trying to tell me that, so I would ask him, only to be told again 'you know my decision' and I would be hurt all over again. I now have a mantra in my mind that says no matter what I do, what I could offer him he wants to stay exactly where he is and no matter what his wife does or doesn't do, he wants to stay exactly where he is. So now I don't get anymore of those emails from him, only the odd information sharing ones, for example this has not come out at work thank god but last week his W told a friend of hers who works with us, so he emailed to inform me this.

Anyway I'm rambling. The crux of it is time passes I do the right things but I feel no better. I still despite it all and despite knowing he's an idiot only have feelings for XAP. I so want them to go away but they don't. I still have very few feelings for H, but don't want todo anything about it because I don't know if these are my true feelings, maybe I will act now and regret it later. I try to busy myself with stuff but it feels meaningless and just reminds me how rubbish my life has become. I have been to the doctor who says I just need to think positive. I have a strange feeling that despite XAP & H both wanting things to go back to normal as they were before but I have the opposite feeling after all this I want nothing as before, i feel like i want to destroy everthhing and start again from scratch, but again like the way I feel about my H I don't know if these are real permanent feelings or just the aftermath.

Every day is a struggle every day seems a tedious waste even though it is months since it ended. Nothing seems to help and although I don't spends weekends in bed sobbing as I did in the very beginning, that aside nothing else has changed and I still feel as much in limbo as I did during the affair. I suppose the only way is to get through each day. Do others feel the same, how long if ever before you feel normal, maybe you never feel normal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:52am
So, I'm adding onto my previous post from last month & it seems still that things get no better. I have to work with XAP although not that closely, so I hear news about his life etc. last week I heard that him & his family were going away on holiday. Just a normal thing for people to do, but it made me feel ill. I feel so resentful that he can just slip back into normal life, whilst mine has been so messed up and I seem unable to move on or feel ok.

Unlike other posters time passes but things don't get better. I almost think they get worse as I realise more what my life is now. On paper it's not bad, my H is a good man etc, has stood by me, listened to me crying over XAP & my mess, he tries to arrange fun stuff and encourage me to feel better etc, but then there are my feelings, still ridiculously hung up on someone else, someone who doesn't want me. So I try to enjoy & do things with H but by making an effort it reminds me of how I feel. I think about then making a new life alone, but that is even more depressing & it goes round in a circle. I just don't feel there's any answer or hope, that I just keep feeling worse and even I'm doing 'nice things' there's always this sad empty feeling inside and once I'm home I often start crying & take to my bed.

Not really sure what this post is all about, other than a long moan about how my actions have made me dislike like my life & how nothing I do, nor time passing makes it any better. How long is it since the first DDay back in march, 5 months, it feels like a long time
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 6:51am

MU, I am sorry you have to deal with hearing stuff about your xap, that would be so difficult. Your H sounds like he is responding  how mine did and I felt exactly the same as you. I found the five to six month mark to be extremely difficult and not only are you dealing with getting over xap but you are also having to deal with the fall out from your Dday. I was utterly miserable at the beginning of this year and still missed xap and I couldn't imagine that I was going to feel normal again. But time does heal, it truly does. For me part of the healing came when I accepted that it was really over. I forced myself to stop cyberstalking, I forced myself to accept that I was going to miss xap and that I was just going to have to deal with the pain of it. Realising that I was not going to have to deal with any more pain then I already had really helped me put it in perspective. Reminding myself that the pain wasn't going to last forever helped me cope with it when at times it sideswiped me and hit hard. And at the times when I really felt I couldn't move forward, I had some lovely ladies from here support me and remind me that the pain wouldn't last forever.

One of the other things I had to realise was that my feelings were just that, feelings. I had to find a way to live with them without letting them tell me things that were detrimental to myself and my marriage. On the days when I really missed xap, I would have feelings of not really caring whether my marriage made it or not. Part of me wished my H would have just walked away but now that I am past that gut wrenching pain, I am so glad that I didn't act on any of the feelings I had over the first twelve months. Feelings can be so overwhelming that we forget that they don't always represent where you are really at. You might actually find yourself having a good day but then you have a trigger. The feelings come flooding in and with that the thoughts of missing your xap, thoughts of not ever being happy again, thoughts of wondering if you really want to be married, yet an hour earlier, those thoughts may have been far from your mind. Your emotions drag in the thoughts like a wave does seaweed and dumps it all over you. It is a matter of learning to deal with the waves without getting caught up in the seaweed. You can't stop the waves of emotion and you can't always stop the thoughts that come with it but you can learn to not tangle yourself up in them by believing everything your thoughts say.

Try not to be discouraged that you are not healing fast enough. You have a husband who is willing to stand by you and love you. Who desires to make your marriage work and who sees your worth beyond what you have done. Don't stress too much that you can't fully reciprocate, just concentrate on healing, figuring out what you need to so that you don't go down this path again. Life will look brighter again. It will come in small bursts and before you know it, you will be having more good days then bad. Time truly is a healer but it doesn't always come as fast as we would like but I also believe that is for good reason.

Big (((HUGS)))


The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 6:44pm
Absolutely beautiful post, RTMO - and dead on.




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 1:33am
Hi so glad, thanks for your reply. I do remember reading your posts about your XAP & wedding anniversary trip & thinking how hard that must be to stomach. My XAP never said his wife was great, Infact he said he much preferred me to his W but just didn't want to change his life in any way (who knows, that could all be a lie) and that made me feel bad in a whole different way. But you are right that whatever the reason, XAP & yours chose someone else & not us & if they wanted to be with us they would. I just wish my feelings would catch up with what I know to be reality! Thank you so much for replying & I will probably come back & re read yr reply & I hope in the end we can all feel better & all these experiences can all be in the past one day
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 9:19am
RTMO ... Very well put, everything you wrote resonated with me and I related to it all so closely! And it's all true. Those waves of feeling still wash over but I don't let them take me down anymore.
MU2012, it took me a full year I'd say for my feelings to get caught up with my reality. My xap 'preferred' me too but stayed with his SO because she was single and available and I wasn't. What we had was a big daydream. In the throes of A and after, yes I resented my life and as long as I was hurting for xap I couldn't be happy with M. But time has revealed that those two things don't need to be mutually exclusive. As long as I resisted my life because I was entangled in the heartbreak of ending A, I could not begin to really heal my M. It has been a sloooow process, a gradual release of A-toxins overlapping with self-improvement and working on what matters. With urges and withdrawal pains to push through. It was that sense of "I am miserable over xap so my available life can't be helped" that really slowed me down. It goes back to the fake it til you make it theory a little bit too. Keep doing all those nice things with your H who sounds terrific and do it with a smile.
It really, truly DOES get better! ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 2:06pm
RTMO & Miss7 thank you for your replies. Of course I don't wish any of this on anyone else but it is so helpful to read that others have gone through the same thing and hear positives from others similar stories. It is hard to accept its over even though you know it and I guess feelings and reality align eventually. Being that I work with him does mean I see him and hear stuff and that does create new things to be hurt over but soon we will work together less so maybe it will be better. I hope that my next post maybe in a couple of months time will say that yes, time has passed, and I do feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 3:00pm
And when you do, please choose a more positive name. You may have messed up or feeling messed up (not sure why you chose that name), but you are no longer messed up and/or are no longer messing up. You may not be exactly where you want to be, but you are at least in a better, less-messy place:smileyhappy: And you don't want to keep defining yourself in a negative way.

Yours sincerely,

Chairwoman, Change Your Name Committee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 6:37pm

Silvanandayoga (got a nickname?)

Bowing out with grace and got that right.  I didn't display much of that can find my grace in his splintered doorframe and on a front door that cannot be shut and must have a piece of furniture pushed in front of it to keep burglars away...and some of my dignity on the wall of local cemetary where a car drove in and we shone in the headlights...oy

But that's what we want to try to attain.  Isn't there some saying about how living good is the best revenge?  Let them think we are getting along just fine without them.  We can fall apart and work it out here.

Yes, the last image, if we can, should be the back of our head...walking away with grace and dignity.  

Congratulations on your two weeks :smileyhappy:



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 1:00pm

Oh baby, you hit pay dirt with that one. I have had that same thought MANY times--it was one of the only consolations I could come up with for a long time, in other words: I may be going crazy wondering what is going on with him, but he doesn't know that. As long as I keep NC, he doesn't know ANYthing. I don't have to lose my dignity, I don't have to make a fool of myself, I don't have to let on how shattered I am. I will survive. And it's none of his business anymore.

Believe me, I look good. From the outside. :smileyhappy: And that's all anyone gets to see anymore. I have built a public wall of dignity around myself, and I am the only one who chooses who gets to come inside.