it's over
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| Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:08am |
I hate coming back here, because here is where it all started, but the prospect of seeking out a real-life therapist petrifies me. So while I've gotten great support on all the ivillage boards that I had traveled to over the years, I do have a decent amount of bitterness toward the medium. I spoke with a counselor yesterday at the clinic I went to and got a few resources for where to pursue counseling for real, but in the meantime, I'm going to try getting my head level here first. So please forgive me all straight off the bat if I appear to have a huge chip on my shoulder about my affair and its consequences. Anger just seems to be easier to manage than actual realization and acceptance of my actions right now.
As my username suggests, I had been involved with someone outside my marriage for three years. It's actually closer to four years now, but whatever, who's counting. Point is, it's over, and that was of my doing, for sure. My husband knows and honestly, the relief of not having that huge secret anymore is such a blessing for me. I want my marriage to continue. He (my husband) wants to have our marriage continue as well, but doesn't know if he can do it. It's Thursday, and all this was just revealed this past Monday. MM (that's the right abbreviation, yes?), he's out of the picture. Oh sure, he's still emailing me, telling me that when I say I need to erase him out of my head, that invalidates what we had together all that time. I'm sorry, I just can't care anymore. That's what got me sucked into this from the beginning, me caring about how things affected him. Boohoohoo, you're hurt and sad and you don't have your own wife and kids nor girlfriend anymore. That's not my problem, well not anymore at least. For too long I was caring about his problems like they were my own. As a result, I *HAVE* problems of my own, thank you very much. Yes, they are of my own doing, I know that, but still, don't I get points for finally wising up and wanting out?
I'm rambling, I'm sorry. Introductions are probably necessary at this time, or at least a brief sketch of my scenario. MM and I met online, as I said, at a point in time in my marriage when I was floundering. His marriage was a complete pile of dogpoop (I need to censor on these boards, yes?) and I was his consoling and empathic wise email friend. We also played the cybersex game, just because, well, because we could. It's not pretty, but since when is the truth pretty? So anyway, things progressed over the years, my so-called midlife crisis within my marriage seemingly evaporated, and still MM and I hadn't met in person (did I mention that he lives halfway across the country? sorry, should've said that before). By the time the opportunity for that meeting had presented itself, it was more of a sense of curiosity for me than raw need to be finally physical with a man I was part-time in love with. And yeah, it was because I could. I was traveling on business, and he ran away from his life for a week to join me, and that's when the deed was finally done. Two and a half years into this sham of an affair. I came home after my trip, vowing that I'd never tell my husband, *JUST BECAUSE I COULD*. This was last summer. DH (that's it, right?) knew of my "friend's" existence because I made it a point of infusing as much truth into my real life as possible, just to keep me sane. I just didn't tell the details that would incriminate me. Lying by omission, and I got so incredibly good at it. So life went on.
So now it's practically a year later than that first meeting (and what I thought would be the only time, due to circumstances of being able to get away), and MM is finally getting divorced. Just for the record, I had been telling him all along that his marriage was in the toilet and that he should leave it and get on with his life while he was still relatively young (he's 34 now), but that once that happened he should not come running to me. That was a rule from the start, that I'd never leave DH. Ours was an "in addition to" type of relationship, not an "instead of" thing. Whatever, it's all dogpoop, I know. It was still cheating, even before the first penetration finally took place. And you know what? It wasn't even that good.
So where was I? Yes, almost a year later, he's finally getting divorced and an opportunity for me to travel on business to where he lives came up. I told DH about it, certain that he'd say "no way am I going to let you go out there", but no, he encouraged me to go. "Go meet your friend" is what he said. "You've been communicating for so long, you should finally meet in person. I understand." He didn't know a meeting had already happened. And he also didn't know that I do it all given the opportunity, which I had. When the truth finally came out, he said to me "I didn't know you had it in you." I said I didn't know it either, and can you imagine *MY* surprise once I realized that?
I could go on for hours, but I won't now. I'm here at this board now to talk with those who have objective insight to these sorts of things, and hopefully to diffuse some of my anger toward my situation. And just to clarify, I'm not angry at DH nor MM, though I'm not quite sure then if it's myself that I'm angry at. I don't know. That's why I'm here, I guess, because I just don't know. DH is a wreck now, because the kicker in all this is that he's always been one of those kinds of husbands that gets his rocks off at the thought of his wife doing it with another man. Careful what you wish for, honey.
I'll sign off now, and once again apologize for my anger. Thank you in advance to anyone who might respond. It would mean a lot to me.

Hmm.
I am not sure what exactly happened that made you change your mind about MM but as someone who was strongly persuaded to leave my own marriage and subsequently left alone two years down the line, I don't have a lot of sympathy. I think it was not your place to encourage your MM to leave his marriage even if you did put the caveat in there that "he should not come running to you". Come on..you know that when one AP leaves a marriage - especially the man - its almost guaranteed they will look to you to do the same. Not that you are required to of course, but to encourage your AP to leave his marriage well...I don't think too highly of that, to put it mildly. I have no idea why you are angry at MM or your H. You'll have to give us more details if you are looking for advice or consolation.
JMHO,
Ivy
Why did you find it necessary to tell your husband? From what you did say, it seems it was for your own cleansing. I know everyone has their own reason for doing so, but when the A is over and you haven't gotten caught, I guess it scrambles my brain that someone would confess at this point. I know there's many on this board that will disagree with my belief on that, but it seems that just like the Catholic religion, you can sin as long as you confess, all is ok. So to go have our "fun" with an A, then spill it all out for someone else to deal with,..I guess I'm just curious how this confession all came about. I sincerely hope that part works out for you. My husband, if he didn't choke the life out of me first, would never even consider that the marraige could be saved. He'd throw my a$$ out, no counseling, no explainations and I wouldn't stop him or ask for forgiveness because I don't deserve forgiveness.
Also, as you yourself stated, I am wondering who it is you really are angry at. Sure, we are all angry at ourselves for leaving such a mess out of our own selfishness. Your post, although filled with alot of anger, doesn't have what many of the posts have here, which is pain or hurt over losing the XMM, and you don't talk about "loving" him. I think you've realized that you've hurt your DH over someone that really didn't mean that much to you, and that is where your anger at yourself may be stemming from. With me, knowing if I got caught would definately mean a violent confrontation with my husband, I had to feel that who I was having the A with was worth it to me, worth everything I was risking.
Just my 2 cents.
I guess I was a bit misleading in my story by just dropping facts without the history behind them, my mistake. I think I mentioned that the way I originally met XMM was that he was looking for advice about his ailing marriage, and I became his friend and confidante because I was able to give him insight as to a woman's perspective on things. It was from the very beginning, before the relationship actually began, that I was saying that I didn't see any future for him and his wife. If I weren't so lost in my own marriage at the time, I wouldn't have responded to his increasing attentions as our friendship progressed to one with cyber benefits. Looking back now, I really should've never even befriended someone as lost as him, considering the state I was in, but honestly, I didn't know. Several months later, my own marriage issues started to heal, independent of my growing involvement with XMM. I know it's very hard to believe this is the case, but I know in my heart that it is true. In spite of liking having someone so doting on the side, I knew I would never leave DH for him, and I was really convinced I wouldn't fall in love with him myself. But I was wrong. I think that's what I'm angry about, now that I write this. I'm angry that I was wrong and that I overestimated my emotional resolve.
Thanks for your comments.
As I was returning home from my trip on Monday, my husband was on the phone with me, prodding me for the details of meeting my "friend". Putting it bluntly, he was getting very aroused at the prospect that I might have done something with him, and this was just getting me angry, I guess. It was that whole "careful what you wish for" thing, and plus, if I were to fool around with any other man, it wouldn't be because it gets his rocks off. I chose my own infidelities, if I am to have them, thank you very much.
The counselor yesterday, when I told her this part of the story, said that both I and my husband have some serious control issues going on. I think that might be the case, though I don't think I started this A to spite anyone. If anything, it started due to a lack of attention from my husband. Physical attention. Sure, he wanted sex, but never let me know that he wanted *ME*. But as I said, with many weeks and months of my husband and I talking things through, that issue was resolved. We finally learned how to communicate, instead of just talking at each other. But the A was well underway by that point, though still only by phone and computer. And so I kept it going, just because I could.
So back to giving up the details, I kept hedging and not giving my husband answers, telling him that I didn't believe he'd like it if his fantasy were to be a reality. He was so convincing, and the guilt of last summer's encounter was so overwhelming by that point, that I finally let out a hint that this had not been the first time. Truth is, I didn't want to be in this A anymore, and hadn't wanted to for a long time, but I didn't have the courage to end it. I genuinely didn't want to hurt XMM, whose only crime, honestly, was that he had found someone to love amidst his own loveless marriage. So I guess it is true that I was selfish in including my husband in my own suffering and guilt. I also needed an intervention to help me end it, and just gave up by telling all. When I finally said those words that let my husband realize that a meeting had happened before, the first thing he said was "Well at least you finally came clean." I'm not Catholic, but I understand the significance of confession. I needed this cleansing of my soul, even though the years of lying makes me feel like I don't have one anymore. But with all the crying I've been doing today, I think it might possibly be coming back, 'cause damn it hurts.
You mention that most posters here express remorse about losing their extramarital partners. If this is not the proper forum for someone with my particular scenario, please tell me where I should post. I looked at the other affair-related boards and they didn't seem to fit the direction in which I want to travel. Plainly put, I want to get XMM out of my life and fix my own marriage. XMM's marriage is over and he's got a new direction to travel in, and I can't hand-hold him anymore. I've made a terrible mistake with my life, my husband's and XMM's, but it's only mine and my husband's that I want to concern myself with now. XMM's marriage a mess before I even met him, and he said his various therapists over the years told him that the only reason he stayed married as long as he did was because I was in the picture for him. I was his crutch for happiness, albeit part-time and long distance. That's sick. And so another reason I'm angry is that I allowed a sickness like that perpetuate itself, knowing full well that it existed. I was selfish. I'd like to make good on that, but I can only have one major allegiance, and that's my life here with my husband. I never promised XMM anything, yet now it's unraveling as if I did. Yet another reason that I'm angry.
If there's a board for rebuilding one's marriage after an event like this, I think that's where I should go, now that I think about it. Thank you to you and the previous poster for your questions and insights, and good luck to everyone here in whatever paths they may choose.
I think you are on the right track, you seem to see things very clearly now, and that's a positive sign. You are right in putting your marriage before any pain XMM may be feeling. Try expressing to you husband what you have to us here, and it may be the direction to start in.
As for your hubby getting excited over being with another man, mine always has been also, but it doesn't hold the same excitment for them if you did this behind his back, rather than include him in it to begin with. But that's another topic :)
Good luck to you, I think given how things unfolded, I might have come clean also. You wanted it over and this was your way of making sure it was, otherwise, you'd be like alot of us here still trying to end it for good.
Oh you're in the right place for support on & after ending an affair, 3yearslater. I don't spend a great deal of time here since I'm a long time out of my own affair.
More than anything, I wanted to interject that not all of us cling quite so tenaciously to the deny-deny-deny section of the cheater's handbook. I'm another married woman who ended her affair as well as one who told all to her DH.
For me, it wasn't a matter of easing my own conscience or soul and I'm not Catholic either. It really boiled down to simple respect with an element of how I'd wish to be treated were our positions reversed. I'd want to know & I'd want to hear it from his own lips. Furthermore, I respected DH enough to reveal ALL in order that he could finally make his own decisions with regard to whether or not he wanted to continue/rebuild a marriage relationship with me.
I'd dodged the consequences for my own actions for long enough, and if one of those consequences was DH no longer wanting to be with me, well, at least that was a consequence of a decision he'd finally been able to make with ALL the facts before him.
Anyway, you may also find some interesting perspectives from the All Sides of An Affair board. You'll also find a number of us former OW/Married OW discussing rebuilding right alongside Betrayed Spouses there. All Sides is very much a debate board rather than a support board. Expect ideas & opinions to be challenged, some more politely than others, though understandable given the emotive topic. While there's often support given there, it's more of the frank to the point variety and it's seldom offered with kid gloves or on a silver platter. You don't know whether you're ready for the full on, frank discussions All Sides has to offer until you visit the board for yourself. I'd suggest a good lurk before diving in just to get a feel for the board itself. Link is here http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-ivallsides&nav=start
~LeFeen~
Lefeen
Hmmm....the All Sides board, eh? Could it be the BS's are running low on shark bait again?
Woody
I've mentioned I'm very much a former OW, Woodbie_1. I'll ignore the unoriginal insult to posters to All Sides and instead ask simply whether I strike you as "shark bait?"
There's a good reason I suggested reading/lurking before diving in with posts there. That reason would be that not everyone is ready to absorb the information imparted there.
Those who ARE ready to view posts which may challenge them to think a little or to consider differing perspectives benefit from what is often a wonderful resource of shared knowledge & experiences.
Interestingly, over the course of a couple years, it's been my experience of the All Sides board that the ones most likely to vigorously challenge the opinions/perceptions of an OW or former OW is actually another former OW. ;)
~LeFeen~