Its over and I am sad, glad, mad....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Its over and I am sad, glad, mad....
8
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:32pm
I was recently involved in an affair with my husbands best friend. It went on for about 3 months. My husband found out and started questioning me. I came clean. We talked and cried alot. We went to see our Priest to get help. I was in such a bad place emotionally and think that is why it happened. We are now committed to each other and most importantly I am committed to him. I have told my husband the truth about the whole thing.I am very angry b/c the man I cheated on my husband with (his best friend)keeps making up stuff and lying to his wife about what actually happened. It pisses me off!! Basically, he is putting it all on me saying I came on to him, etc. The truth is that it was mutual, I never placed the blame all on him. I knew it was both of us. I am sad b/c I know that my husband and I will be okay, but I don't know about the other couple. That may sound weird, but we used to hang out with this couple ALL THE TIME. I want to somehow work this whole stupid thing out and eventually be able to hang out again. I am just so upset that he is lying. I want them to be able to work it out as well. I want to write his wife a letter explaining these feelings, but am scared. I just feel so horrible. It is making me very depressed. I just want to sleep all day long to not have to deal with it any more. If anyone out there has any advice i would really, really appreciate it. Thanks so much. Chele
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 6:08pm
Chele,

Unfortunately, for your husband and his wife, it's not just some "stupid thing." I think the likelihood of the four of you being able to one day hang out again is very unlikely, and in some ways, the mere suggestion would be almost insulting, I'm afraid. Do you understand that? Do you truly understand the pain that this has caused your husband and his wife? This isn't a matter of being adult and getting over it. This is a matter of the "ultimate betrayal." Your husband is dealing with a double betrayal, as is the wife, who I presume was your friend. Try to look at it from their perspective. If your husband had slept with her for three months, would you EVER want to hang out with her again? Wouldn't you wonder what the heck was wrong with her to even THINK this were possible?

I understand that you feel as if it's unfair that you're getting all of the blame, and it is, but your husband's best friend is lying, and there's nothing you can do about it. Frankly, I've just be thankful that your husband has chosen to forgive oyu and rebuild and I'd move on--without the other couple.

I would be amazed if you were ever allowed into her house again. I suggest letting it go; otherwise, you'll just continue to hurt the wife. Things will NEVER be the same again, and that's the chance you took. I'm sorry.

--A

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 6:17pm
Chele:

Hugs to you. I'm sorry that you have to be here getting over something this painful. The people on this board really understand what you are going through. The sleeping alot is a depression defense. It's a normal reaction to pain. It will get you through the initial shock of everything. I am concerned about *your* concern over the other couple. IMHO, you can't afford to waste your precious energy on their lives. I know that is the humanitarian thing - it isn't the wisest thing for you, though. I really think you should never socialize with that couple again - I don't think any marriage could withstand that - no matter how understanding and forgiving your husband seems. Your husband has been betrayed twice. I don't think that I would push for your husband to stay friends with his best friend. That friendship is gone - IMHO. Just be careful that you don't try to keep that friendship together out of guilt. You may end up losing your husband in the process.

As for the wife of your MM, she's going to believe whatever she wants anyway - they always do. You know that your MM is lying to save his butt - who cares - your husband's beliefs are the important thing - not your MM's honesty.

When you hurt, post here. It will help. That, I can promise you.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:11am
there is noway you 2 couples can ever hang out again! the wife your husband would feel to weird and wouldnt you feel so weird like its a slap in there face to see you 2 there and start picturing you together noway would that work,, i would be happy your husband has forgiven you and let go of the friendship idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 7:29am
You are in a much better place than you may think right now. You'll grieve a little bit, but before you beat yourself up too much, consider that you ended it. That took strength. Way to go! You did good! And, you've sought help, you are being honest, and you are rebuilding. You've also apparently identified what it was that led you astray.

You're waaayyy ahead of the curve, smarend. Keep on keepin' on. You'll grieve & be down some, but in the long run, you have the potential to have an even stronger marriage than you did before.

As for hanging out again w/ the old friends... forget it. That is done. Grieve over the loss of that friendship. It is done. There will be new ones. Have faith. But don't look back too much. That friendship is over. Sorry.

The important thing is your marriage. Put taht first. You're doing great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:53am
Sorry about the emotional time you are having smarend. It is a tough time for you. I'm glad for you that you told your husband the whole truth and he accepted it and now wants to move on with you. I'm not sure if you will be able to hang out with this other couple again or not. You will really have to be sure that it would be ok for your husband and the wife. You don't want to get into a situation where being together with this couple makes your husband and the wife think about all the intimate things (whatever they were) that you and this man shared. Maybe it would depend on the intensity level of the affair, just kissing and fantasizing is very different from passionate sex. I guess you would have to feel out your husband on that one. Just make sure you talk to him about it and respect his feelings. That would be the best for the both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:38am
the affair i had was only kissing....no sex! Not saying that could have happened if we didn't end it when we did. What do you think about our friendship possibly starting up again slowly with the other couple? This may sound naive or stupid or whatever, but for some reason I feel that we as friends can somehow get through this over time. What is your opinion? I am so sad over this. I don't know what to do or say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:17am
I have to be honest with you. . . A friend of mine told me once that she would be more upset about her H kissing another woman than actually having s#x with her. Kissing seemed more emotional and personal to her.

I think about that all the time- I too am involved (trying not to be) with a neighbor- we all hang in the same social circle. Many times we've been to their place to hang out at the pool or have dinner. Although we did more than kiss, we did not have s#x. When I am anywhere with his W, the one thought I try not to think about is how she would feel if she ever found out. I can't imagine for one minute that she could get over it and we could remain friends. In fact I don't know if she would even be able to allow our children to play together or participate in the same activities around town. She and I are not friends, but we are friendly and this is a betrayal to that no matter how you look at it.

I think you need to just accept that the loss of this friendship is just one of the many consequences of your actions.

Good Luck

No Strings

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:18am
You are not stupid for thinking about fixing the friendship, only time will tell if that is possible. Feel out your husband and ask him if he even wants to be friends with this man again someday. Maybe after some time has passed try and contact his wife somehow (maybe an e-mail or letter). Don't spend too much of you energy on fixing this friendship though, spend most of your energy of the fact that you are committed to your husband. You don't want upset your husband by making him think you are more worried about this other couple than him. The more energy you spend on the relationship with your husband, the better it will be. But also remember that sometimes you cannot fix these things, that is why I say it is very important to talk to your husband to see if that is what he wants. If he says no, then you should drop it. Try not to be so sad, it sounds like you have a new commitment to your husband and that is something to celebrate.