It's over. Day 1 anxiety
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It's over. Day 1 anxiety
| Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:17pm |
After weeks, actually months, of endings and beginnings, negotiations and trying to work on the "relationship" problems with my AP, last night was the final straw. I said some things that I'm ashamed of, and he ended it definitively last night. I sent off one last apology for the things I said (mostly about his wife, who I know very well, and his home life) and now NC is in effect.
I feel horrible for hurting him. Not because it's over, but because while fighting for my "rights" in the relationship, I used his relationship with his W against him. I am also married, but he never did that to me.
I'm a bundle of crazy emotions right now. Can someone with experience please try to talk me through this...are my feelings normal?
I feel horrible for hurting him. Not because it's over, but because while fighting for my "rights" in the relationship, I used his relationship with his W against him. I am also married, but he never did that to me.
I'm a bundle of crazy emotions right now. Can someone with experience please try to talk me through this...are my feelings normal?

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It's been over 24 hours since AP's last txt to me saying that there's no need for us to talk anymore. Yesterday was hard, but this morning is even more difficult. As I was driving my son to school I saw him driving to work. I pretended not to see him and smiled while talking to my son just to put up a good front, but as soon as I dropped off my son I fell apart.
This morning I made a list of pros and cons and by FAR the cons outweigh the pros, but he is a good man, a kind man, and I love him dearly. I'm the endee, and I know this is for the best, so why do I keep glancing over at my phone?
Hi Smoted -
<<>>
It's only been 24 hours for you. You will find a lot of things, including looking at your phone, are a habit. These next few days will be very, very hard but just know that it WILL get better. I'm glad you made a list of pros and cons. Do everything you can to keep your head in reality. I posted a Fantasy vs. Reality thread awhile back, and it really helped me.
Thinking of you -
Bodhi
Hello!
Great job on just looking the other way and smiling! That's a great start. Have you blocked him on your phone yet? This is one way you can stop waiting for him to text/call. If you know he can't get through to you, then you aren't waiting in anticipation. Some early enders (and late enders!) keep themselves hooked to the affair by half a$$ing the NC thing. By 'allowing' him to still get through to you, you are still getting an ego stroke because you can validate yourself through his breaking of NC: "oh see, he must really care because he is texting me" etc ... Only by going totally NC, blocking and walking can you begin to really and truly get your healing underway.
My best to you. And remember, by staying NC, you will NEVER EVER have to do this painful & fresh, first time ending again!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Best,
Dee
Hi Smoted
You will feel a little like Pavlov's dog, cos we trained ourselves so well, i looked forward to the tingle when a txt came...... in the early endee
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Dear Smoted,
How are you doing? May I suggest that if you haven't already, please read the thread in the HL called, "Advice for newbies." I bumped it up for you and any other newbie in need of help today.
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Good-morning Smoted,
Just waking up and having my coffee before starting the day, and you know what? I have no freaking idea where my cell phone is ... perhaps it is at my desk where I was last working, or up beside my bed - nope I think it is in the washroom. The point? It is no longer glued to my hip. That cell phone represents everything that I hated about the affair (aside from all the fairly obvious wrongness of it all). It represents inaccessibility, inconsistency, and inadequacy. Pretty much everything awful about living an affair life. If we unpack each of these terms, well, you can see why in the heck I hate my cell. Why did my phone represent inaccessible? Because I wondered, "Is now a good time, shiz maybe that was too early/too late? I need to talk to him right now, but I can't call" "Crap, I missed his call, but I got my kids now so I can't call him" ... so many ways that darn phone lead to the death of my relationships in my RL. I became a monster if I couldn't get cell reception on vacation, or if my H or children reached for my phone when a text came in. My xAP would text whenever he wanted with no concern for me - like in the middle of the night after my H and I had just reconciled for the first time. He wanted to know if we were still "okay".
So - all of this to say - throw the phone out, disconnect it, turn it off, give it to a friend, do WHATEVER you need to do until you can get those urges under some sort of control. I remember my battery running out on my cell and not re-charging it because I didn't trust myself. And I NEEDED my cell phone. I left a message that I was unable to retrieve phone calls and to call my H number if it was an emergency. You just do what you have to do. Seriously. No efforts are too great - this is your LIFE you are fighting for. We go overboard in the affair trying to get our needs met, So we need to go overboard in ENDING it to protect ourselves, sometimes even from our own compulsions.
You can do this!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Thank you, ladies for all of your wise and supportive replies. Going on day 3 and already today has been rough. I passed him on the road again this morning and I saw him looking right at me, but I had on sunglasses so I pretended to look right through him, straight ahead.
I think the hardest part of all of this so far is realizing that I think he really *hates me, at least right now. Our last text war was vicious, and we both said very hurtful things, although I went for the jugular in trying to prove my point. I know it shouldn't matter (what he thinks of me) because in the end all that matters is the heartache is over. But I will see him (we have children in the same schools, his wife and I are still friends) and being on the opposite end of his ire is painful.
I'm going to see a movie this morning with friends and my phone will stay in the car. Today my goal is utter and complete distraction.
"his wife and I are still friends"
I am sorry Smoted, but you stopped being her friend when you entered into the affair with her husband. I know that you're probably feeling like you need to uphold the performance of being her friend, but in no way, shape or form are you going to be able to continue this facade of a friendship or stop the destructive affair while being in their lives.
It will be ALL the more horrific for her if she were ever to find out about the affair and you continued to try and share a friendship with her, potentially gaining "insider" knowledge on their relationship that she wouldn't have shared with you in a MILLION years if she knew the truth.
DDays can happen at ANY time. Please read the DDay thread to see just how possible it can be that months or sometimes even years after the affair ended, that it is discovered. I don't know how you get yourself out of that situation ... I am so sorry that you will be faced with yet another very difficult decision.
This may seem harsh, but I am just calling it like I see it.
**edited to say: on a really positive note - it is great to see you at NC day 3 and that you are keeping busy and leaving that phone behind.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 9/10/2010 3:42 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
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