It's over. Day 1 anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
It's over. Day 1 anxiety
31
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:17pm
After weeks, actually months, of endings and beginnings, negotiations and trying to work on the "relationship" problems with my AP, last night was the final straw. I said some things that I'm ashamed of, and he ended it definitively last night. I sent off one last apology for the things I said (mostly about his wife, who I know very well, and his home life) and now NC is in effect.
I feel horrible for hurting him. Not because it's over, but because while fighting for my "rights" in the relationship, I used his relationship with his W against him. I am also married, but he never did that to me.
I'm a bundle of crazy emotions right now. Can someone with experience please try to talk me through this...are my feelings normal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 4:24pm

TU,
Trust me, I haven't considered myself her friend since this began. I have been pulling away subtly for a long time, trying not to raise any red flags, but especially during this past week while he and I have been arguing and ended our A. It would be so much easier if I could have NC with her, too for so many reasons, but it's nearly impossible with our kids in the same school and being friends, and the fact that I have no good reason (in her eyes) to end a friendship with no explanation. The best I can do right now is slowly pull away and hope that she'll not make an issue of it, either. Such a mess.

I remember reading that Day 3 was one of the worst for so many people here, and I can attest to that. I sat through Eat, Pray, Love with a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Thank goodness the theater was dark. I feel so alone. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, yet still the loss of him is tearing me up. I know I'm not supposed to care how he's feeling or what he's thinking now, but the thought that he's doing ok when I'm a wreck is the hardest thing to process. For you vets, how long until some of this pain subsides, or at least doesn't feel like I'm drowning in it? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 4:51pm

Hey,

Omg - you are a brave woman. I cried so loud during E/L/P I thought I was going to get asked to leave. Her feelings of loss & disconnect, the scene where she is praying beside the bed - really really hard & heavy to witness. I can ONLY imagine how hard it was for you to sit through that movie. However, I also took away so much hope from that movie, specifically the possibility to re-creating oneself anew, and learning to live in the questions instead of rushing toward an answers. Learning to live in spaces of uncertainty ... while holding the knowledge that one day things would be different: time will have worked its magic, and I will have assisted myself to move out of a place of hurt & confusion through mindful reflection and dedication to exploring my unresolved hurts.

There is no magic to ending the hurt, except to learn to sit with it. Allow those hard feelings to wash over you, acknowledge them, and then free yourself of the heaviness of those feelings. It takes practice. It takes dedication. It takes willpower to not act on these tough emotions in ways that compound the hurt, i.e. breaking NC. In the initial phases of the ending, many of us simply kept very very busy, until time allowed some of the initial shock and pain to subside. Others of us spent considerable time sleeping & eating. That was me. I slept time away. While not the best option, it was all I could do to pass through those very early days. I also worked very very hard to re-frame my affair and my affair partner. I would not allow myself to drift toward missing him, or reflecting on all the "good" about him or the affair. That would be totally counter-productive. Once I was clear in my mind that I wanted the affair to end, there was such clarity. Or perhaps with clarity, I became so certain that my affair was over, that I was prepared to let go of the fantasy and get busy re-engaging with real life and picking up all the pieces of my life that I had thrown away during the affair. Ya- I missed "him", but I missed me more. I missed my sense of self. I missed stability, predictability ... I missed my children, my friends. I missed so many things ... one person was NOT worth all the things I had lost.

Hang in there - it DOES get easier, but you have to want it to get easier. There is a difference. Time alone is not adequate.

My best,

TU,

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 5:08pm

Yes, the scene where she was praying by her bed resonated with me, and that was where I started to lose it. I want to get to a place where I feel like I have learned something from this experience, but right now it's so raw. We had split up and reunited about 50 times during the course of our A, and that is no exaggeration. We have never gone for more than 24 hours without one of us texting to test the waters or say that we should talk, so being on day 3 of NC is a first, and it stings because this time the end is real. Sometimes at my lowest point l feel like there's room for negotiation, but there isn't.

Sorry I'm rambling, I'm just shaken to the core today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 6:18pm

Smoted,

It will take at least 3 weeks before you start noticing that the sun is shining, the leaves are beginning to fall, autumn is in the air, etc. Remember, you are grieving. Even though it was an A, there were still feelings involved. You built a fantasy life that ran parallel to your RL, and now with it's ending, RL is going to have to step up to fill the void you are feeling. It's not going to happen in a few days, or even weeks for that matter, but once you've past the 2nd week (which for some reason is very hard for enders), you will start to notice things that you had been ignoring. Slowly you will begin to fill the void with people, places, and things that are tangible, not imaginary or made up in our heads like the A was.

If one were to actually calculate the minutes we spent alone with JAM, you'd be shocked to find out just how little time the two of you actually shared. I was alone with my XMM on an average of 4 hours a week. Multiply that by 5 work days, (our A was conducted during work hours), and then x that by 49 weeks a year (2 weeks he would be on vacation with his family, and 1 week for Xmas break). So now it comes to 980 hours a year. Divide that by 24 hours and DRUM ROLL please.....I actually spent a whopping 24.5 days ALONE with XMM for the entire year. Our A lasted for 4.5 years but we had two break ups totaling 10 months, so without doing more math (because this is what I do all day...ugh!) we spent a grand total of 3.5 months together in 4.5 years. The rest of that time was for his W, family, friends, work, hobbies, and even his dogs. ;-) {Note: I did not include texting, phone calls, IM's and emails because our A didn't have much of that.)

Once I asked myself in my early healing days, "What have I really lost?" Aside from 225 pounds that was not mine to have in the first place, I lost the stranger within that had taken over all that I had once loved and respected about myself. I lost someone who thought it was okay to lie and deceive, and harm others so I could feel better about myself. I lost 24 more wasted days out of the year on some imaginary pipe dream that would never see the light of day. In summary, I lost the worst parts of myself, and now I thank the powers that be that I am no longer carrying around this toxic baggage.

There are going to be hurdles to jump, barriers to remove, bad habits to break, and a complete overhaul in your thoughts and perceptions, but the journey will be well worth the pain you are going through now. Also, healing time is different for everyone, so for now keep your eyes on the 3 week mark for having some relief. Until then, you push through it one hour at a time.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:13pm

Bloody hell! That was a great thing to read Iddy- THANKYOU!!!



Smoted I soooooo know where you are at! It is Day 3 for me too, day 2 of NC (I dont count Day 1 because he was responding to a communication I sent on the break up day). As you can see I am a bit of a maths fiend too- and Iddy your post about how much actual time you spent with exAP is a lightbulb moment for me! Wow.



We were seeing each other 18mths and had 3 trips away. I wont do the precise maths but Im sure we spent a total of 7 days together in absolute total. Of that at least 48 hrs was spent with me 'p@ssy footing' around his ego or questioning myself and what I had just said/or should have said. So taking that away, I uess we had 5 days of 'thrill' amongst 18mths of doubting where his head was at! Oh that feels sorta shameful.



But when Smoted said < but the thought that he's doing ok when I'm a wreck is the hardest thing to process. For you vets, how long until some of this pain subsides, or at least doesn't feel like I'm drowning in it? :(> really resonated.



I am dirty (cranky) that I am here feeling devestated, and he is so bloody relieved. God that hurts.



Iggyx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:38pm

"But when Smoted said < but the thought that he's doing ok when I'm a wreck is the hardest thing to process. For you vets, how long until some of this pain subsides, or at least doesn't feel like I'm drowning in it? :(> really resonated.

I am dirty (cranky) that I am here feeling devestated, and he is so bloody relieved."

***

Hello,

I was hoping to address this kinda thinking - this kind of negative self-talk that comes from a place of thinking ourselves so unremarkable that they just go on without missing a beat. I am going to skip the IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT THE HECK HE IS DOING/THINKING for a moment, to try and stop this kinda framing of your xAPs attitude.

Okay, no one walks away from an affair without uncomfortable emotions, unless you are a sociopath. People are deeply altered by having an affair and there are a host of complex feelings that are experienced when an ending happens. I felt relieved, anger, frustration, hurt, rage, regret, shame, disbelief, freedom, empowered ... the list goes on and on.

You know what my xAP was allowed to see? That my life was going on without him, and that I was happy to be free of the drama and capable of treating him with professional curtosy and nothing else. I would attend work meetings and put my best face forward: I was faking it until I made it. I would leave those meetings and cry my freaking face off. But that soon faded. I was doing it!!! I was making it out of the fog and it felt so great. What he thought? That I was feeling totally relieved and that he was way more impacted by what had happened than I was. The truth was, I was no longer willing to stroke his ego with my sadness, NOR was I willing to continue roping him into a care-taking role for me.

Nope - it was time we got serious about ending it. That meant no more sharing of emotions and no more leaning on one another to try and help one another end the affair. No more "oh my god this is going to be so awful, I need to know this is as hard for you as it is for me, why oh why ... if only, maybe, perhaps, know that I will always love you, be thinking of you" etc ...

I view my treatment of him and my behvaiour toward him in the end, as a silent gift, whether or not he ever recognizes it as such, I could care less. I was doing him a favor by keeping my chin up and acting like all was right in the world. What good would it have done either one of us to mope around acting like it was the end of the world? You don't want your xAP dragging you down with fishing attempts and sloppy emotional emails and texts that mean nothing in the end. Seriously, how would that be helpful. Remember, your sense of worth is going to come from within. No amount of pining for reassurance from him that you "mattered" is going to heal the hurt. You have to do that work.

So stop now. Stop worrying about what he is or is not feeling. Your worth isn't contingent on how hard a time he is or isn't having moving on. The reality is, everyone has to move on, and while it sucks to feel like you're not as far along as "they" are, it sucks more to be moving no where.

Keep working the work of it.

*** edited to add: i went back to my original post tonight from Jan. and OH MY GODDESS there was a lot of hurt, confusion and fear in my posts. And now I am "here". It may be useful for you to go back about 6 months and start reading some of the posts from those of us who are still posting today to see how far we have come by working our endings and staying connected here. It was so amazing to see how far we have come!

My best,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou






Edited 9/10/2010 11:40 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:43pm

WOW TU- that was FANTASTIC. Thankyou



Every post here for me is like 'DOH- yes!!!!!'



I need to cut and paste some so I can read them at work during the day I think.



Iggyx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 12:38am
TU how do I search earlier posts?
You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 7:37am

TU - Such a great reminder - thank you. This is an area I've always struggled with too. Probably because during my 7.5 years with XAP, his life always seemed "larger". What I know now is that he is NOT happy. He never was and he never will be. He will go on with his life, just as he did the entire time we were together. Nothing has changed, other than I am not letting him drag ME down with him. I'm not allowing him to use ME to fill in the cracks. I'm doing much better at separating myself from XAP a little more each day.

Iggy - I went back and read my old posts and it was helpful for me. Just make sure you are ready for it. And printing them - I had a folder about an inch thick of posts I printed from here - mostly the healing library. They were highlighted, underlined - I read several about a hundred times.

There is an "advanced search" button toward the top of the EAS page - click on it and then you should see the options.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 7:39am

IGS,



Go to the "advanced search" option up in the right corner. Click that and it brings up choices for

   ~Iddy~