It's over--how to cope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
It's over--how to cope?
9
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:22pm
They say that you can't love two women at the same time, but I know better. But, because my wife of 21 years is such a wonderful person whom I love, last night I had to end my 5 mo. A with a young, beautiful woman whom I also love. We agreed to NC, and we will stick to it this time. I cannot put into words the pain that I feel right now. I feel as if I have lost my best friend and my source of true happiness. I try to act normal, but I feel dead inside. Please share with me any coping mechanisms that have worked for you. I know that time will dull the ache, but until the pain subsides, I really don't know what to do. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:51pm
You sound like your hurting so I just wanted to pass you a .

I think you can love 2 people at the same time.

Because my H of 18 years is a good man who I love, I have also chosen to end my relationship with a MM who I feel very passionate about. I could not go cold-turkey (NC)like you did because I really still want him to be a part of my life (but in a different way).

Anyway, just try to remember all of the positive things you have with your wife.

I changed my screen-saver on my desktop to a pic. of my family to remind me how

important they are to me.

I write my feelings down and it helps me. I'm sorry you have to go thru this.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 8:19pm
Hi goingnuts, sorry you have to go through this. Everyone here knows how painful it is to say goodbye to someone you love.

You didn't say if your other woman is married, but I got the impression she isn't. If that's the case, it may help you in this struggle to know that YOU ARE SPARING HER A LOT OF PAIN by ending it now. Continue to read through posts here, including older posts, and you will learn how devastating a long-term affair with a married man can be to a single woman. Yes, the love may be there, but in time it is overshadowed by shame, doubt, disappointment, and loss of self-worth. The spirit suffers terribly. She must spend her nights, weekends, and holidays without the man she loves. She is not free to turn to him for support when she needs it - he has other priorities. She has NO FUTURE with him, and deep down, she knows that. Nevertheless, she lives in a state of suspension - it's been called limbo land - waiting, hoping, for something that will probably never happen. She may be in love - but she will never be able to share that love openly with her family, friends, and community, and walk in the light with the man she loves. Some women spend decades in this limbo land, passing up opportunities to find a man who can give her the commitment a married man cannot. They end up alone and embittered, knowing that they have wasted years of their lives on a dream that will never come true. Is that what you would want for someone you love?

It broke my heart - and my spirit - to end it. I didn't know how I would get through the next minute, not to mention the rest of my life, without him. Although I was the one to initiate NC, it was pure hell, and for a long time I still waited, hoping to hear from him. But every time I did hear from him, it put me back to square one and I had to go through it all over again. Now he understands that, and he loves me enough to let me move on and find a life - and a love - of my own. Time does heal, and I have found peace with the situation. I do not regret loving him - I always will. I wish him happiness and peace and a good marriage. He will not have these things if I remain in his life.

If you truly love OW, you will let her go. To do otherwise will only prolong her pain as well as further damaging your relationship with your wife, who is innocent in all this.

In time you will know that you have done the right thing for OW, your wife, and yourself. Meanwhile, one breath at a time. Come to this board for support when you feel weak or overwhelmed - and know that you are not alone on this sad journey.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 7:14am
Your post was beautiful and so heart felt. It was just what I needed this morning and I want to thank you for so eloquently putting into words the pain and suffering a single OW goes through with a MM.

<>>

I only wish all MM would understand this before they embark on their illicit journeys. To them, (most anyway), it's the chase, the ego stroking, the sex, etc that sets them on fire; don't get me wrong, many MW enter affairs for this reason too. IMHO, the SW and SM are the ones who suffer the most, who wait the longest, and who are the lonliest, once their heart is captured. BUT, we bring it on ourselves, don't we?

Enough lecturing. I am 3 months on the mend, but it wouldn't have happened had I not had an XMM who understood that my future happiness and peace of mind all hinged on his ability to let me go, even though it wasn't easy for him. These situations are not easy on anyone involved.

Wishing you all of the best,

Id










Edited 8/13/2004 8:41 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:36pm
mtnsweetheart--I thank you very much for your heartfelt words of wisdom. In my case, the OW is married, but will most likely be divorced within 3-4 months, so I really need to look at her as a SW. I have been in a deep state of depression since Wed. when we agreed that NC was the only viable option. This morning my wonderful wife and I had a tearful talk about why I was so depressed. I told my W that I feel that in order to repair my marriage with her, I had to cast off not just my lover, but also a friend, and it was proving very difficult for me to get over the loss. I knew this would be painful for my wife to hear, but she wanted honesty from me, so I gave it to her. Maybe it was wrong to add another burden on my wife, but I have to believe that she knew the OW was more than a physical friend to me. Meanwhile, I worry about my OW's state of mind; she has had suicidal thoughts in the past. I would like to contact her to make sure she is OK, but I know that I can't do this, or we'll be back to square one again. My W is holding up better than me through this which makes me feel ashamed-I should be stronger. When will this fog lift? How do I make it go away? Thanks for reading and the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:59pm
dear goingnuts2004,

i know the pain you are going through. i just ended a 10-mo long A last friday. it hurts like hell. but i have to say, going to individual therapy once a week has been my godsend. i don't know how i would have worked through the pain and loss over my MM and the fear and anxiety over recommitting to my H without my therapist's talent and compassion. it is different than talking to a friend because you really learn the deep roots of your actions and feelings and thoughts and motives. and that is so empowering and healing.

i hope you find peace soon.

xo,

loves EC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:19pm
First of all... focus on the positive. Yeah, you'll miss her. But guess what? You'd be hurting a lot more if you lost your wife of 20+ yrs. Glass is not half empty; it is half full. What you did was not easy, but in doing so, you have saved something very precious and more important than what you almost threw it away for.

Now... grieve a little, but don't give in to it. Are you a self-examining person? If so, look inside yourself and put YOU back together again. My story was well-documented here almost a year ago (I don't know why I'm back... just curiousity I guess).

If I did it, you can too.

Trust me. I understand... but my pain is gone now (and has been replaced w/ a feeling of "man, wasn't THAT dumb!?") People here understand. Read & ask questions. But, the real "work" is up to you & you alone. Take your wife out to dinner, look her in the eyes, and thank her for being "her".

GET TO WORK! (Don't do too much navel-gazing...)

Good luck, man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:22pm
Hey~~~!!! watch those hugs!!! he's a married man!

LOL! -just kidding-

Be careful w/ 'written thoughts'.... I worry all the time now & hope & pray that x-OW destroyed all of my notes. Uhg! I'd hate for those to find the wrong eyes!!!

Your idea on the screen saver is EXACTLY the kind of healthy thing to do to get you back on the right path. Good luck to you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:24pm
Bingo.

'nuff said. (well done)

;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:26pm

This post helped me to stay strong today.

Love