It's over. Please help me get thru this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
It's over. Please help me get thru this
5
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 1:31pm

I posted something earlier on My Affair Support about my MM having something to tell me if I just gave him some time. I was asking him questions about our R and where it was going, if he was trying to work things out at home or whatever because he recently stopped visiting and calling as much. Really we were down to just emailing again. He told me that if I gave him some time that he would answer all of my questions. I told him I was in agony and I was taking sleeping pills to sleep because I couldn't figure out what was going on with us and I really needed him to talk to me about it. After he promised to tell me everything, a week went by and I heard nothing. That was last week.

He told me he loved me and that he was dealing with alot right now at home and that if I gave him time he would explain everything. He recently stopped wearing his ring. I thought he was finally pursuing a D.

Everyone that posted to my What Does This Mean post said that he was playing me and to leave him alone and run and I didn't believe you guys! I thought for sure it was different this time. You were all right.

I asked him yesterday what was going on at home and he said he didn't know what was going on. He said he stopped calling and coming over so it wouldn't cause anymore drama at home, so his W would stop yelling at him in front of their kids. He told me he just didn't know how he could leave his little girls right now. Basically he is in the same place he has been for the past almost two years. It infuriated me.

After cussing him out for not telling me anything for a week, I told him to call me on the way home so we could talk. I cried my eyes out to him and told him that i want to be happy and this situation doesn't work for me anymore. we have been thru this push pull where he cuts me off for awhile so he doesn't cause drama and home, and then he comes back to me when the drama settles down several times now and i am not doing it anymore. I told him that I am going to find happiness on my own now without him, and that he can contact me when he files for D, but not until then. I told him not to call me, come over, email me, text message me or instant message me until then and that I would not be contacting him. I am moving on with my life. If he needs me I will be there but not like this. I told him I am not going to be his friend when I want to be his W. We are done with this A.

We said our I love you's and said goodbye. He told me to contact him if I ever needed anything. I needed him for the past almost 2 yrs and he couldn't give me anything.

Today is his birthday and I gave him his freedom as his gift. And mine.

I don't know how I will get thru this. Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:22pm

Here's how you will get through this:
~you will decide to start loving yourself and realize that you are worth the attention and love of a SINGLE man that will devote his time/love/sex to you and you alone.
~you will realize that by keeping in contact with him it will only prolong your pain and make getting over the R harder and harder.
You have just embarked on one of the hardest journeys you may ever take, but you sound like a pretty strong chick so you can and will make it out in one piece.
It is definitely hard but everyone on this board is here to offer support, hugs and sometime a swift kick in the ass if it sounds like you need it.
Good luck to you.
~nutmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:35pm

When I first came to this board, I was in denial. I thought my situation was unique to all others here - my xMM was one of my H's best friends, xMM and I had been very good friends for 8 years and all of us a part of a large close circle of friends - and that my pain of my A ending was only going to be 6 months to a year -

(((He said he stopped calling and coming over so it wouldn't cause anymore drama at home, so his W would stop yelling at him in front of their kids)))
They all have some sort of excuse for going home - or not contacting us, seeing us, etc.....and I truley believe that it is PURE GUILT.
My xMM broke down late October and said that he wanted to be with me but was going home to help his suicidal wife and himself find common ground so that she would be ok with filing for a divorce. I took this as the right thing to do (we secretly rented a house for 3 1/2 months and lived together). The drama we encountered was phenominal - his cell constantly rang - they would speak and she would hang up and call again, hours of her screaming at him on the phone and he laying on the couch or bed with his arm over his eyes, nights when there was pounding at the downstairs door, calls to him saying she was going to kill herself, many nights I fled our house or hid in the attic because she was stalking the gounds.....I understood that he had to go back to take care of things......
Or so I thought.

The taking off the ring thing - I was told when xMM put his back on it was because his parents and grandparents did not know about the problems he and his W were having and for the holidays, he put it back on - he said it did not mean anything..............but it does.

I have no doubt that this man cares for you. I know that my xMM cares deeply for me.
But They have made obligations to another.
They struggle and feel guilty. When they go home or just start spending less time with you and more time with the W........things change.
I told my xMM that it is easier to do nothing that to deal with the stress and heartache of divorce........

What you told him showed him that you have found your self worth.
I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.
And believe it or not.........the pain does subside, its been 2 months (we dont have NC as we are all in a circle of friends...its impossible) and sometimes I still break down and cry but not everyday.....the days get better.....I swear.

Karena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:43pm
Dear unhappy/sad, I feel your pain and I know the rest of the women on this board do also, we are all at different stages of our NC and mine is still fresh. My A lasted a little over 2 yrs. and I have to tell you that the pain is still there but then it has only bee a few weeks for me. I take it you are single, I'm also single and I got to tell you it's not easy not haveing a family or H to concentrate on. I wish I had some great advice for you but the only thing I can tell you is I know for me I needed to grive like it was a death, which it was and is. then you will go through a several emotions anger, hurt denial ect. Let your self feel these things it is only then can you move forward. Then try to keep your self busy go out with friends, talk to a close friend who will understand. I had a date sat night, I really did'nt want to go but you know what this was really a great guy, he showed up at my dooe with a single red rose and took me to the movies... god it had been so long since I had been taken out in public, I had a great time and even if I never see this man again it was a start to my freedom. I know this may sound silly but I ware a rubber band around my wrist and every time I get the notion I need or want to call him I snap it, hard then tell myself nothing is going to change and I'm not geting any younger and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. If things should change on MM home front then and only then do you even consider going back. Always gaurd your self and your heart don't let him wiggle back in because beleive me you are hurting alot more than he is. remember he has a family he goes home to regardless if he is unhappy or not he is with his family and you are alone. Keep posting here and read all the other threads on this post and here other womens stories and it does help to know you are not alone.
hugs and keep going forward,
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:52pm

<<>>>

U_S,

I know this had to be very painful and difficult for you, but somewhere in your heart you must have known that it was inevitable. I'm sorry it had to be on his birthday, but you are right by looking at it as a gift; A gift of sacrifice, in that you are letting go of someone you love very much for the betterment of both his family and your future. You may not see this now as your eyes are clouded by tears, and you heart is wreathing in pain, but in time you will understand the importance of what you have done today. You have given this man back his family and have removed the temptation that has been distracting him from giving 100% to his wife and children. This is what unconditional love is ....and you gave it to him before it was too late.

You will be in terrific pain and we are here to help you pick up the pieces that your heart will be in for while, but understand that it was your inner strength that finally forced him off the fence, as was your courage to speak the truth no matter how painful you knew those words would be to say.

The hardest part comes now....in sticking with NC, no matter what. Every 10 minutes you are going to regret what has happened, but PLEASE realize that you have made a very powerful decision, and you need to stand behind it with every fiber of your being. Why? BECAUSE it was the "RIGHT" decision, and *WILL* pave the way for all future decisions that need to be based in honesty.

We are here for you,

Id

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:24pm

Thank you all for your responses, I am going to need you guys alot during this time to keep me strong.
I stayed home from work today to give myself a day to grieve (he works in my office, sits right down the aisle from me). I haven't cried all day. I think I am numb. Either that or I knew it was just time.
I called him today to wish him a happy birthday because I didn't want him to think that I was so cold that I didn't care about his birthday. I also sent him a note telling him some things I didn't get to tell him last night since we couldn't talk very long. I told him some things and then I said goodbye. It was very sad writing that note. But I did it. One more thing to be proud of I guess. I needed to do that to help myself with closure. I had to say goodbye and apologize for all the pain I caused in this situation.
He sent me two text messages thanking me for the note. I didn't respond to his messages. I have said all that I have to say to him while he is M. I think that he doesn't believe me when I said I won't contact him because I have said similiar things and never followed thru. I know in my heart that this time is different.
I am going to focus on myself from now on. Do things for me and me only. Time to be selfish. Time to take control of my life.
Tomorrow is back to reality. I am strong now, but I don't want to crumble when I see him at work. That is going to be the hardest. I am going to try and work from home for awhile so that I can heal a little before having to see him daily. I think that will help me be stronger.
I just feel weird now. A little relieved. Very sad. But I can't bring myself to cry. I cried last night talking to him. But since then I have not. I know I can't grieve him if I am holding it in. I don't know what is wrong with me. I put away anythign that reminds me of him. I don't want to think about him. We just have so many memories together in so many different places though, it's hard. I don't even want to sleep in my own bed. I wish I never had him over at my place so I don't have to remember him everytime I walk into a room in my own house.
Yes, I am single, a few of you asked me. That makes it so much harder. I have never been single before. I was M for a time, recently D, and have never been alone. Maybe this is what I had to learn from this experience. How to be alone. I don't have a clue how to meet someone else. I would like to try and go out on a date, but I don't know where to meet anyone. Any suggestions?

thank you all so much for your support.