It's over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
It's over
31
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 5:18am

So I've been in an affair for over a year. High school girlfriend, hadn't seen her in over 20 years. She left for another married him eventually. I always wanted to contact her over the years, was scared of rejection. One day I just had to do it. Found her and emailed. We sent emails for a while and then met up at a neutral city. BOOM, life changed for good. More emails, huge intensity, hours of phone calls. 'We can't be doing this its all wrong'. 'Can't stop'. Endless letters 5-10 pages each. More meetings, SC, strange, wonderful, amazing. Marriage? Divorce? What about our children, what about our spouses? Agony months and months of agony. Panic attacks and depression - therapy and anti-depressants. I couldn't leave, focus on kids was the only way I could pull myself back to any sense of reality. The only thing I knew I could do that was in anyway right. She was my dream, the only woman I ever wanted. I told her, she was angry, hurt disapointed. She felt used and taken advantage of. She wasn't, we both played our part. We've spent months pulling away after that. Now reached a sort of place of quiet with each other. We won't talk again there will be no electronic communication but there will be old fashioned letters on special occasions. I'm anticipating a flood of grief. At the moment I'm numb, It'll come. I do love her I always will, I have dreamt about her for many years. I don't even know if I was wrong. I wont start another relationship with her unless I'm prepared to go all the way. It may never happen. I wont forget or stop loving her.


So that's the testimony of a MM, XAP, cake-eater! I'm not sure men are welcome on this board. I've found EAS helpful throughout all this. We had to find our own way to

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:56am

Just~


I had to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:02am
I think we are all capable and culpable. Men and women. I have to accept my part in the affair and she wholeheartedly accepts hers, we are equals and we bear our own reponsibility for our own decisions. As far as love is concerned, well I love her despite her faults, I'd like to get to the point where I love myself despite mine. Now it's about moving forward with life and doing my best. I'm not sure that self-loathing is in my, her or anyone else's interests.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:03am

Full,


I think you may have have misunderstood what JAM was trying to say, but what isn't misunderstood is that you are right. You shouldn't be posting on this board.


Come on back when you are "capable" of seeing that an A is hurtful and destructive and would like some help in ending it.


Take care,

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:07am
Iddy - thanks, I've got a thickish skin - good job!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:08am

?

I know what i am capable of and i know you too,maybe more than you know yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:19am
This word 'capable' seems to have caused some strong feelings. I'm essentially making a point about personal responsibility and sexual equality. I'm not trying to pin the blame on her. I'm not even sure 'blame' is relevant. We all do what we do, whoever we are. We have to live with what we've done and try to do better. I don't think there are any short cuts to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:24am

Welcome to the board 'just' ... I feel very much like you do towards my xAP. Under it all, he was 'just' a human being, like me. I don't believe for a second he was every intentionally hurtful, but the situation we both chose to put ourselves into unfortunately shaped us into behaving in ways we never would have outside of an A. He was caring, loving, attentive and relentless at trying to make it work given the A parameters we were working in.

I never asked him to leave his partner, never would have. My mistakes and my choices are what I take responsibility for and I am determined to find out why I made these choices. I chose to take the chances, and I lost, we all lost. His choices are his to live with, and indeed I know his suffers for them. My only focus now is re-building what was lost, learning from my mistakes, and moving forward with grace, and giving and asking for forgiveness.

Sure, some days I will need to rant, other days just cry, other days I will be in denial, other days just plain scared. All these emotions will be part of my journey and I hope that each of us will continue to be welcomed 'here', accepted for where we are at, and pushed, nudged, invited, sometimes dragged forward, by one another to a life free from an A.

J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:38am

JAM,


Im one of the MW who welcome your thoughts and outlook. Ive been in my A now for 15mths. Its been a long emotional roller coaster that I struggle with everyday. Not only is it welcoming to have your thoughts and perspective but it also serves as comfort so to speak for lack of a better term.


There are many sides to an A and your story is a reminder to me atleast, that the M has to recover from the A as well. I can tend to get so wrapped up in my own struggle and healing that I forget that XMM is going through the same thing. He is also doing his best to get over the A. He isnt happy go lucky and skipping through his day while I go through a wide range of emotions. My XMM is having the same emotions that I am having and I needed to be reminded of that.


I went into this A knowing that I was playing with fire and then I fell in love, he did too. Men are not immune from the same feelings as us ladies, they just handle them differently.


You have my support because I know what you are going through.


Remain strong,


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:46am
hmmm, sounds like 'xxyyzzr' is the other half of the story. Is it just me or does it seem to someone else as well?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:49am
Jodi, deeultra - thank you for your posts. I am far from out of this. I am not going to find it easy to move through this. It 'seems' at the moment that it would be great to disrespect her or feel less of her, to feel some anger or resentment. I don't and I'm not going to force that. In the long run I'm not sure a load of free-floating misplaced anger is going to help. To me this is not about withdrawal so much as simple grief. There is a real loss. Bad choices, yes. Underlying reasons for those choices, yes. She's not a drug though, she's a human being (a very special one). She's not available to me because of choices we both made long ago, and recently. I'm not even grieving the affair. I'm doing some long overdue grieving about someone I lost as a potential wife long ago.