It's over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
It's over
31
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 5:18am

So I've been in an affair for over a year. High school girlfriend, hadn't seen her in over 20 years. She left for another married him eventually. I always wanted to contact her over the years, was scared of rejection. One day I just had to do it. Found her and emailed. We sent emails for a while and then met up at a neutral city. BOOM, life changed for good. More emails, huge intensity, hours of phone calls. 'We can't be doing this its all wrong'. 'Can't stop'. Endless letters 5-10 pages each. More meetings, SC, strange, wonderful, amazing. Marriage? Divorce? What about our children, what about our spouses? Agony months and months of agony. Panic attacks and depression - therapy and anti-depressants. I couldn't leave, focus on kids was the only way I could pull myself back to any sense of reality. The only thing I knew I could do that was in anyway right. She was my dream, the only woman I ever wanted. I told her, she was angry, hurt disapointed. She felt used and taken advantage of. She wasn't, we both played our part. We've spent months pulling away after that. Now reached a sort of place of quiet with each other. We won't talk again there will be no electronic communication but there will be old fashioned letters on special occasions. I'm anticipating a flood of grief. At the moment I'm numb, It'll come. I do love her I always will, I have dreamt about her for many years. I don't even know if I was wrong. I wont start another relationship with her unless I'm prepared to go all the way. It may never happen. I wont forget or stop loving her.


So that's the testimony of a MM, XAP, cake-eater! I'm not sure men are welcome on this board. I've found EAS helpful throughout all this. We had to find our own way to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 11:00am
heissick - You never know, do you? I don't think dark mysterious messages are really her style. Also she'd use 'I' instead of 'i'!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 11:37am

Maybe you and xxxyyzzr could introduce yourselves here .


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:04pm

JAM,


I just wanted to let you know that I am another woman here that welcomes you to EAS. I think we could all benefit from a male perspective. I don't doubt your hurt just as much as any woman here. The only thing I don't agree with is that you are open to contact with your XAP. I'm hoping in time you will come to understand that is a

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:16pm
Thanks Star, NC is possible. I'd never ignore her. I may not have to! I'm not going to send a load of 'missing you!' texts either. The affair is totally over and I'm glad. Any possibility of further relationship of any kind between us being over? The jury is still out, there will be no contact of any sort for at least 5 months. I'm hoping to live for another 30/40 years. I can't really imagine that I'll never contact her again for that long. I understand NC I'm just being honest here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:44pm

JAM,


I must say, you saying that

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:02pm

Ending affair because I hate being in one, mutual decision. Wife does not know. I love my wife, she is not filling space. There will be no other affair. We will not be friends. That's where I'm at now. Only ended last week, one day at at time. I'm going on a course for several days now. Will check back next week. You've given me something to think about. Thing is I've got so much on my emotional plate at the moment, I don't want any more! I just want to make it through the next few weeks without either breaking down or breaking current NC. Yes I feel guilty about wife. Reminding me may be helpful but I'd rather not go there now. If I overdose on too much pain I'll be reaching for easy answers again. I know you mean well, thank you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:17pm

jam,


Extending my hello and welcome to you as well. I am one of those on the board who had a 3yr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:29pm

JAM,


I do mean well and so choosing my words carefully. Last thing I want is to bash one of the few men who have courage enough to post here. I'm sure plenty just read.


Thanks for your honesty. Like I said before, I believe your perspective can help many. When you're ready you will seek more

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:50pm

Welcome to our Community, justanotherman :)


By now, I figure you've heard us refer to our xaffair partner as


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 2:45pm
I spare you the trouble of doing advanced,lol. I was then the SW ( now married,happily) with a MM who was having multiple A's and it turned out really ugly with each one finding out about another .Thats an extremely short version as you do know,there are plenty of stages,lies, emotions,loss of trust and time involved.
The attitude of some men does bring out the same feelings on the surface. I post rarely but do lurk to remember what it was and couldnt see while being in the thick fog.