It's over
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| Wed, 01-20-2010 - 5:18am |
So I've been in an affair for over a year. High school girlfriend, hadn't seen her in over 20 years. She left for another married him eventually. I always wanted to contact her over the years, was scared of rejection. One day I just had to do it. Found her and emailed. We sent emails for a while and then met up at a neutral city. BOOM, life changed for good. More emails, huge intensity, hours of phone calls. 'We can't be doing this its all wrong'. 'Can't stop'. Endless letters 5-10 pages each. More meetings, SC, strange, wonderful, amazing. Marriage? Divorce? What about our children, what about our spouses? Agony months and months of agony. Panic attacks and depression - therapy and anti-depressants. I couldn't leave, focus on kids was the only way I could pull myself back to any sense of reality. The only thing I knew I could do that was in anyway right. She was my dream, the only woman I ever wanted. I told her, she was angry, hurt disapointed. She felt used and taken advantage of. She wasn't, we both played our part. We've spent months pulling away after that. Now reached a sort of place of quiet with each other. We won't talk again there will be no electronic communication but there will be old fashioned letters on special occasions. I'm anticipating a flood of grief. At the moment I'm numb, It'll come. I do love her I always will, I have dreamt about her for many years. I don't even know if I was wrong. I wont start another relationship with her unless I'm prepared to go all the way. It may never happen. I wont forget or stop loving her.
So that's the testimony of a MM, XAP, cake-eater! I'm not sure men are welcome on this board. I've found EAS helpful throughout all this. We had to find our own way to

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Maybe you and xxxyyzzr could introduce yourselves here .
JAM,
I just wanted to let you know that I am another woman here that welcomes you to EAS. I think we could all benefit from a male perspective. I don't doubt your hurt just as much as any woman here. The only thing I don't agree with is that you are open to contact with your XAP. I'm hoping in time you will come to understand that is a
JAM,
I must say, you saying that
Ending affair because I hate being in one, mutual decision. Wife does not know. I love my wife, she is not filling space. There will be no other affair. We will not be friends. That's where I'm at now. Only ended last week, one day at at time. I'm going on a course for several days now. Will check back next week. You've given me something to think about. Thing is I've got so much on my emotional plate at the moment, I don't want any more! I just want to make it through the next few weeks without either breaking down or breaking current NC. Yes I feel guilty about wife. Reminding me may be helpful but I'd rather not go there now. If I overdose on too much pain I'll be reaching for easy answers again. I know you mean well, thank you.
jam,
Extending my hello and welcome to you as well. I am one of those on the board who had a 3yr.
JAM,
I do mean well and so choosing my words carefully. Last thing I want is to bash one of the few men who have courage enough to post here. I'm sure plenty just read.
Thanks for your honesty. Like I said before, I believe your perspective can help many. When you're ready you will seek more
Welcome to our Community, justanotherman :)
By now, I figure you've heard us refer to our xaffair partner as
The attitude of some men does bring out the same feelings on the surface. I post rarely but do lurk to remember what it was and couldnt see while being in the thick fog.
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