It's SO hard:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
It's SO hard:(
9
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 2:25pm

Hi, All~

Prayers and thoughts to those on the boards affected by the storms on the East Coast!   I miss hearing from you-hopefully things will get better soon:)

So...I'm a fellow poster but have been off boards lately to do some healing of which I'm feeling like I've made absoulutely NO progress. Wish I could say I'm better along than I was a few months ago after the A ended, but I'm still tender and very vulnerable.  My short story is that my A ended with NC on his part.  He got a new cell phone and number but did not give it to me.  XAP told me he had to change his phone because he was going on the family cell plan.  

Here's the part that really stinks....he's fished since then.  3 times to be exact.  He has popped by my work and my home.  It has caught me off guard because at the time(s), I wasn't really ready for things to end.  

Now that some dust has settled...I'm realizing I really want to contact him to say what I need to say about ending things. I want things to be over not because I've really 100 percent gotten over him, but that I DO NOT want to go through this horrible pain ever ever again.

For those of y'all who've had closure, I'm very envious of that.  I want so badly to have been the one to cut off all contact.  I wanted to block numbers, block emails, etc.  Instead, he's gotten to do that with me.  I feel so rejected.  It's the worst feeling in the world to know that he's cut off all contact with me yet he still gets to fish on his terms.  His fishing attempts have not been to start things up again but rather, to just say hi.  I'm so conflicted.  I just want the chance to say to him that I can't have him fishing anymore.  It's breaking my heart for him to come by even under the guise of saying hello.  I can' t go through that anymore.  But, and here's the but......my hands are tied.  I have no way of contacting him except through his work email which would be detrimental to contact him that way OR to meet him when he leaves/comes to work at his workplace.  There's really no good way.  So far, I've just done nothing and felt so horrible day in and day out.  Pretty much I feel like he's gotten away with just arrogantly brushing me off like a piece of lint, and can go about his life day in and day out without a care in the world.

Any of y'all out there who have gone through a similar situation and are in a good place regarding it?  I desperately want to hear from those who DID NOT initiate NC and are doing Ok.  Thank you so much:)

Sandy

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 3:20pm

Hi Sandy! It is so hard sweetie and I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. I know you are looking for responses from others who have been on the receiving end of NC and who did not initiate it, and I'm sorry that I am not that person, I was the one to initiate NC and to end my A. But what I wanted to tell you is that I don't think it really matters that much who initiates NC and who ends the A, I think really enders and endees both feel the same. I know that I felt rejected the whole time I was having the A, rejected because he wasn't choosing me, he was choosing his wife, and no matter what I did to try and make him love me and want me more, he still preferred her to me.

I do understand the need for closure Sandy, and I got the chance to say absolutely everything  I wanted to say to my xAP, both when I ended it, and also when he came fishing and I spent 2 hours chatting to him. I didnt gain anything from it unfortunately Sandy, I wish I had done. But he just kept saying the same things he always said, sticking to the same story, coming out with the same old lines, I didn't learn anything new, I didn't get any answers, I still don't know for sure what the whole thing was all about, I only know what I have managed to surmise myself. So, it seems to me that closure doesnt come from the things that we say, it must be something that comes from within, a kind of acceptance within ourselves, and understanding of ourselves and the whole A. I don't know if any of this makes any sense Sandy, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Clarity will come along any minute with some good advice, but in the meantime, cyberhugs to you Sandy,

Love, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:27pm

Hi StarsSandBeach,

I’m sorry you feel you have not made any progress but I wonder if you have in what you wrote here: << I DO NOT want to go through this horrible pain ever ever again.>> I mean you couldn’t write that unless you’ve gone through the pain. So this realization in and of itself is progress.

<<For those of y'all who've had closure, I'm very envious of that.>>

The only closure that I am aware of in most cases came from within and not from xAP. Also, I don’t think closure should really be the focus. I think healing and acceptance should have the bigger emphasis.

<< I wanted to block numbers, block emails, etc.  Instead, he's gotten to do that with me.  I feel so rejected.  It's the worst feeling in the world to know that he's cut off all contact with me yet he still gets to fish on his terms. >>

Do you have more say here then you are giving yourself credit for? Can you foil his fishing attempts by giving him no response and asking him to leave when he shows up to your place of work or home?

<< I just want the chance to say to him that I can't have him fishing anymore.>>

Can’t you tell him you want him to go away and stop all contact next time he shows up on your door step or at work?

<<Now that some dust has settled...I'm realizing I really want to contact him to say what I need to say about ending things.>>

Do you really need him in order to make those decisions? I mean he is probably going to do whatever he is going to do regardless of what you say.  Is more for you then for him?  If so, then why do you need him for any validation in this? Make your decision and stick with it. He does not need to be privy to it one way or the other unless he makes contact in person, then it would be appropriate to tell him to leave/stop.

Is this really about hurting him through rejection because he hurt you that way? Does revenge or purposely setting out to hurt someone really feel good in the end? Sure it might feel good at the time but revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it. You often end up hurting yourself more than you hurt them. This would be a good thing to journal about. Rejection hurts but why is this aspect keeping your stuck? Was the A about a power struggle for you? Lots to think about here.

I think many of us gave too much power to AP during the A. We seek to get it back when it ends. We only have ourselves to blame for giving up our power and they are never in control of whether we get it back or not. We are by making decisions of what behavior we are going to be involved in and what behavior we are not.

XAP ending it does not really give them any power. We can never control what others do. We are only in control of ourselves and what we will do. Don’t allow him to further take your power by giving him too much importance by breaking NC to tell him this or that.

E1

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:38pm

Hugs to you Sandy,

Rejection is a biggie for all, whether we are the one that ended it or on the receiving end of NC,we all go through it.  You need to reframe it and look at it that it's not you that is being rejected, but the A, the fantasy, an impossible situation.  

Fishing sucks.  The fact that he ended things and is fishing is saying that it's OK for him to have you in his life when he wants and on his terms says lots.  If I read your post correctly, he broke NC in person, which really really sucks and I'm sure messed with your head and sounds like you weren't prepared for those and may have left him with an unclear message.  (RBM will be chiming in with his be prepared mantra soon)  I know it's clear to you, but is it clear to him, that he has to respect NC and his fishing attemps will not yield anything.  There is no point at this stage, in you breaking NC to let him no that you are going NC, all that will do is give him his kick, his puff on the crack pipe that he can still get a reaction out of you, regardless of what it is.  All you need to do now is take care of you, and that included doing what's necessary to make sure that he can't get to you anymore and to be prepared if he does fish again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 6:17pm

I'm sorry, JAM keeps showing up and interrupting your healing process...how rude and inconsiderate.  I'm glad you are not flattered because there's nothing to be flattered about.  It is a display of total disregard for your feelings and extremely disrespectful. 

Before I go on, the ultimate message of refusal to participate is to simply turn your back on him and walk away...without a word.

I don't know what the environments are like as far as who is around...at work and at home.  Are you able to just turn your back on him and walk away without a word?

If not, we are going to practice getting your cold, hard bitch on.

Let me know

And I do believe that you HAVE moved forward...because you have a new mindset.

It's all in our voice and body language, Sandy.  You want him to leave knowing that it is totally over for you and he is sooooo totally not welcome.

Clarity


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 7:51pm

I am here and I will repeat it, because you didn't hear it last time. 

BE PREPARED!

You have to know what you are going to do when he does...........or whatever he is going to do next time.

What ever side of the ending you are on, you have to be prepared. It's just the way that it is.

 

This whole thing ends only, ONLY when both of you decide it is ended.  As long as one of you hangs on then it is still going, just not going as fast as it was.  Get it?

From the sounds of it, you are BOTH hanging on. 

You didn't want to end it, and sounds like you would jump right back in if given the chance. Isn't that the truth? 

 

There will never be any closure to this until you reach indifference.  You may get the last word in, or you may feel that you are getting the best of him in an argument, but there will never be true closure.  There is no such thing.

You will never forget him, will you?  The feelings you have for him will/may change, but you know that you will always remember him.  There will never be the day that you have forgotten his name. Closure just isn't going to happen, until you end whatever you are hanging onto.

Take our advice.  Give it up.  Give him up. End it. Be done with him, done with wanting him. Move on to something that will make you truly happy.

Blocking him is part of the plan of being prepared.  If he shows up again then this time end it once and for all time.  It is as simple as saying "I'm done. Please don't come back."

This man has shown you that he has nothing for you. At least nothing that is good for you. 

Until the day comes that you can do that, there will be no closure or indifference. How long it takes is your choice.

Me, I got fed up waiting, holding on. It drove me crazy until I chose to really end it. I still don't have indifference, but I have my pride.

My best to you, take control of your life.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:53pm

Thanks, everyone for the replies.  The heart of the matter is just letting go....I know that.  It's much easier said than done.  I know closure must come from me.  I guess I just needed to hear it from others.   In a really deep way, I need permission to move on, and the only way I feel I can get it is to have this door shut for good.   I'll just have to rationalize that the door is shut, and I'm just going to have to move on myself.  I appreciate the encouragement.  The hardest part is putting on a smiley face every day when I just want to cry.  I really am crying under my sunglasses, but I try to hide it with a smile.  I guess I'm faking it until I make it, right?  Sorry for being all over the place...just need to sort everything out in my mind.  Thanks again, everyone:)

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 11:28pm

Please don't apologize for being all over the place.  We all understand about that.

Ask yourself this and maybe journal out your answer.  What is the worst case scenario that can happen if you let go?

These are some thoughts I had when I posed that question to myself and where they led once I put them out there and grounded them.

I'd be giving up the fight...and that means I lost...and that I wasted alot of time and energy trying to fit a square peg in a round hole...and it is exhausting because it will never fit..and to make it fit, I'd have to shave an awful lot off of me because he's not going to change to make me fit.  And what kind of relationship is it that I'm doing all this fighting...shouldn't relationships that are good for me come without a fight?  And lose what?  Okay...so you lose this one guy...he's only one guy...and I'm not going to die.  I'll probably even live better...free from all the angst...oh, wouldn't that be nice...free from all the angst. 

That's just to give you an idea of how journalling can work.  Writing it all out can start to dispell those fears in our heads; and more often than not, they turn out to be just unfounded fears we made up in our heads.

Journalling it out can really help you work through stuff.

Keep posting in for support, Sandy.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:36pm

It's nice to see you Sandy, sweetheart. I am sorry you are hurting.

I was the one who ended things and went NC.  I still felt rejected.  I really do not believe there is any such thing as closure, from the xAP..

BUT, since he is fishing, you CAN make your point that you are no longer available to him when he needs his little ego boost.  Just do  not be there when he opens the door. 

The best revenge or closure would be, NOT being there when he opens the door.  "Surprise!  Not here pining over you any more buddy!".

And if you are still pining (and I will admit, I still pine at times myself, you do "fake it until you make it".

For me, it is about my dignity.  No way will I respond to any more fishing attempts.  It just tells him he can still hook me.  Even if it practically kills me, I will ignore any future fishing attempts (easy for me to say I know, I think I am pretty safe at this point, he hasn't tried in 9+ months).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:44pm

Hey there,

I just sent you an email.  :)