it's starting to make sense to me now.
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| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:22pm |
this "thing" that started between me and x-MM should have never happened in the first place. there was no "real" friendship before; we were just acquaintances (sp?) at work. so how can we possibly say we're going to be "friends" after this whole damn thing?
I am angry, and hurt, and sad, and depressed, and screaming on the inside.
I asked x-MM, that since we're "just friends" now, he'll have no problem telling his W that he's meeting this certain "friend" for a coffee, etc, right? well, you can guess what his answer was to that. and I'm not being a hypocrite here- I wouldn't be able to tell my H that either.
so what's the difference between staying in the A or being "just friends"? the only difference is... there's no intimacy. so it just transitions to an emotional affair. because there are still feelings, emotions, "I love yous", phone calls, emails, and sneaking around, or plans to sneak around to hang out. we would still be lying to our spouses. it doesn't make much difference if you're in a hotel room or a coffee shop. the fact is, if you lied to your spouse to get there, and they found you together, it would certainly not result in a freaking party.
I'm pissed off. and I deserve to be. I'm pissed off at him for being such a moron. because when I brought this up to him, all he could say is "what does that mean" and "so, what are you saying?" and my favorite... "I don't know what else to say."
I'm pissed off at myself for breaking NC and falling into the same damn rut all over again. I felt so strong during NC. I was miserable, but I knew that it would only be temporary. at least I wasn't surrounded in a whirlwind of emotions like I am right now. Now I find myself waiting for his call, constantly looking out for an email from him, willing to drop everything just to be able to talk to him.
I'm fed up. I'm so sick of playing this see-saw game. this is only causing more harm. causing more damage to myself. to hell with him- I was always worried about him. I put him first, above me, above my family. I don't want to do that anymore. he's a big boy. let him deal with it on his own.
he doesn't understand why this is upsetting me so much and he never will.
still, it frustrates the hell out of me.
these are the times that I wish I had a punching bag. because I feel like causing some major damage right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I do not want to waste another one of my tears on him. I'll cry over someone who deserves it.
Comp
Edited 3/16/2004 3:40 pm ET ET by its_complicated

I think alot of us want to hold on to the friendship part because it is a way of holding on. It is also a way to hope that someday down the road things might evolve when and if circumstances are different. It is all a bunch of crap. I understand that if you work with XMM or live next door to him you have to be cordial..but that is alot different then being friends, wouldnt' you say?
Jazzdiva
what you said makes complete sense to me. that it is still an inappropriate relationship. no matter how you slice it. just like a duck is a duck is a duck...
I honestly didn't have *that* much of a problem with the NC. yes, I still thought about him, but it wasn't like I was dying without him. Come on, am I that weak? ;) I think he is desperately trying to hold on to something... I mean, he's always said that he doesn't want to lose me completely. that he would rather take "being my friend" than having nothing at all if/when this ever ended. so he's basically stringing me/us along for his benefit. because he doesn't want to face facts. I just want to tell him to grow up. life is full of difficult decisions, and you can't carry a security blanket along with you all the time. especially if it's a person. (me) and this is hurting me alot to be going through this.
but the most important thing is: I am allowing myself to go through this. I can't play the victim here. I have a will of my own. he's not forcing me to do anything that I don't want to do. I must get some sort of enjoyment out of this, otherwise, I would not subject myself to this... crap.
Comp
you are not a victim but don't be so hard on yourself. An A satisfies some kind of need in us, it makes us happy (for a while), it validates us somehow. It is hard to walk away from something like that. I am the first one to admit that. It tore me apart to walk away from him, especially when he was crying and begging me to stay. XOM made me feel alive, and I literally felt dead for a while when i started NC.
My XOM told me the same stuff...that he wanted me in his life in some way..even if it was just as a "friend"...but honestly...I was in love with him, how the heck was I going to become his "buddy" after all that we went through? He knew that too. Physically we were very attracted to eachother, there was no way we could see eachother and sparks not fly. Of course we could control ourselves, but the point that I am trying to make is what kind of friendship is that? We were kidding ourselves if we thought we could be friends. There are some on this board that swear that they can do it, and maybe they could..i just feel like it is rare and so unfair to the spouse that is involved. If your husband had an affair would you feel okay with him staying friends with his mistress? Whether it be calling her, having coffee with her, or emailing...whatever contact he had with his ex mistress you would feel was wrong.
Comp, you sound strong and this is going to be a process for you. Alot of lightbulbs are going to go off as time goes by.....just try and be good to yourself.
Jazzdiva