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| Wed, 07-28-2010 - 6:33pm |
Tomorrow marks 15 weeks of NC for me. YAY!
I have to tell you that I am so much better than I was even three weeks ago. xAP is still in my thoughts, but it's a little less each day and I'm not sad. He's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and he's not the last thing I think about at night anymore. I have so many other WAY MORE important and precious things in my life that I am thankful for!
The fog has lifted and I can see the A for what it really was. I'm finally feeling like I'm getting the results (healing) from all that pain that I went through.
"Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange." - a quote from the movie Inception which I saw at the theater recently. It really hit me. While I was in the A, it felt real. It felt like it could be real, like if I just held out, if I just worked hard enough, it would be real. But once I woke up, the fog lifted, and I can see now that it wasn't real and it never could be real.
I am a much happier person today.
Those who are still struggling with ending and NC listen to me. I was head over heals with xAP for four long years. I loved him with all that I could, and I felt like he loved me too. I couldn't imagine life without him. But you know what? Now I can't imagine going back in to that A. He has moved on, and now I can say that I'm moving on too.
If you had told me 15 weeks ago that I would be in this place, I would have told you "no way".
Stay strong! Stay focused on the people who really matter in your life! It will get easier, I promise.
-Angel

(((Angel)))
Bravo! The end of that darkened tunnel is within your grasp.
~Iddy~
Yay Angel!!
Congratulations on your 15 weeks!
Dear Fallen!
It was amazing to read your post - we are at the same place, literally. I could have written your post. Each and every word resonated with me. There was no way I would have ever believed I could be this happy without xAP in my life. There are some down moments to be sure, but it's about the loss of what I thought could have been and certainly not the loss of the lived reality of WHAT WAS (love that quote). There are days when I miss him stroking my ego, or more like, days I miss feeling validated by validating his ego. I now struggle to find one memory that's actually a positive one - NOT that there weren't (what I felt were) amazing times together - because there were many, but now when I reflect back on them, I can see all the lies and deception that went into making those moments happen. Then they don't seem all that beautiful anymore.
And I remember the awful pain when we parted, and sitting in angst waiting in all that uncertainty of wondering when we would connect again but struggling to show him that I could survive off crumbs ... while I knew he could plainly see I was starving but he was too hooked on me to let me go.
NOT ME NO MORE - and not you Fallen!!! How amazing. Can you imagine where we will be this time next year?! I can't wait.
So dear sister in NC - thank you for the amazing post (-: and let's keep on keeping on!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Ditto!!!
Today is fifteen weeks for me also. (I have a program on my smart phone to tell me.)
You sound strong. I envy you. Last couple of days I have weakened and have actually been planning my fishing trip. (Take my phone away from me.)
Although I understand, I am just weak. Hopefully the 48 hour rule will keep me in check, until the weekend when the W will keep me in check.
My best to you. You sound better than I.
Smile!!! you will be victorious.
Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.---Margaret Peters
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Hi RBM
Dont go fishiing.....
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
WOOOHOOO. You sound so healthy, so happy. I reached this same point around the same time... just after my 3 month mark and it has been fairly smooth sailing ever since... I mean some tough moments and days, but nothing like early NC. It's an amazing place... that light at the end of the tunnel is so close for you now. Keep on moving forward. Big hugs to you today.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/