I've been Dumped

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
I've been Dumped
3
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:54pm
Well, I only found ivillage last week, while my now XMM was on vacation. I had big apprehensions about the holiday to begin with and it turns out my instincts were right. I guess his W gave him what he needed.

I was quite an emotional farewell. He wrote me a letter, which we read together in my vehicle. I cried a lot! I am in love with him, and he knows it. We kissed passionately, we hugged and we said goodbye. Then when I got back to work, I wrote him a letter as well. I spoke to him this morning, and he said he loved the letter - it kind of exonerated him, so he said it made him feel good, but also a little sad.

Anyway, I am an emotional wreck. And in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better, I had a few drinks when I got home. My H was on my back wanting to know what is wrong with me, and what has been wrong with me for some time now. I told him to just leave it be, because if I end up telling him my problem (of course I'm blubbering again by this time) that it will end our M.

He was insistent that I talk to him, and said he can't live like this anymore. So I ended up telling him everything! I feel sick for the fact that I have hurt this man, that I do care deeply about. He looked so sad this morning.

I haven't been all that happy in my M for a while now. My H works long hours and on opposite times of the day from me. I am alone a lot. I have 2 daughters that keep me busy, but let's face it, I need my H. I guess that's why I ended up in an A to begin with.

Even with my broken heart - I have to try and fix this mess I've gotten myself into and subjected my H to. My H says he thinks that we can work through this, but I know he will have great difficulty. There are many issues in our M that need to be worked on, the A is just the icing on the cake.

I have already tried to reassure my H that the A is all my doing - my curiosity and need for validation that I'm an attractive woman. I have been with my H since 17 (and prior to this A - the only person I've ever been intimate with) and I am now 37.

I have been on marriagebuilders.com today and started reading through, and I printed out the Emotional Needs Questionaire, which I plan on filling out tonight, and hopefully my H will participate in filling one out as well. I know for a fact, that for as many of my emotional needs that are not being met, I am also not fulfillling most of his. This makes me very sad indeed.

Do any of you have any other suggestions for the immediate crisis, to help me help him. I would really appreciate any input. My selfishness has me questioning my own sense of worth. How could I have done this to my best friend? I know that time will heal my broken heart, but will it heal my H's.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:39pm
HI red

Here is a web site that could help you, it is populated by a group of X other women/men and B/S that have lot to offer people in your spot, some are there now someare past it, if you bring the attitude to that board that you have displayed here today I believe you will find a lot of helpfull people there.

One word tell your husband the whole truth hold back nothing and no lies not even to spare his feelings.

Good luck.

http://www.affairs-help.com/cgi-bin/Ultimate.cgi?action=intro&BypassCookie=true

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:29pm
Red, it's good to see you have feelings for your husband. He is going to feel devastated, it is only natural. He feels as devastated as you, you both are basket cases.

Betrayal is a difficult thing to get over. It will take a lot of work on your part to win back his trust.

How sad that you had succumbed to that 'ole black magic' that we have all been tempted with. I, myself, have been attracted to other men while I was married. My husband didn't meet my needs either. I didn't act on those attractions, I tried to stay clear of them.

I know it's difficult to overcome, but it can be done.

There really is no way to help your husband in his grief, he will have to want to regain your trust. From what you have said, he really wants to make a go of it.

He may always be a little distrustful. Time will tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:36pm
Hi Red: I read your other post and now this one, and I am so sorry for you. My MM and I also called it quits, after more than 5 years. Like you, I'm sick inside too. My H in the meantime is all over me to either 'be a wife' to him, or we'll split up. I'm thinking I may leave my M, and just plain stay away from men. I need to heal, and so do you. I know you are feeling guilty to your H, but like I told my MM, both of our spouses have a role in the A too. I know if I had been happily married, I never would have become involved in an EMA. Not an excuse as I know it was wrong, but I was also at a very low and vulnerable point in my life then and as usual, my H was clueless as to my needs. I noticed the website you mentioned about marriage builders. I will look into it as I need to be able to sort out the problems in my M. My heart goes out to you Red. You have much courage, to have told your H, as I can't tell mine (he's not nearly as understanding as yours, and I would not trust his reaction). Take care of yourself and if you'd like to email me, I'm here for you if you need to talk (tulip9155@aol.com). Hugs to you sweetie, Virgogirl